My rainbow tears
My secret fears,
Throughout these years,
Were drowned in tears,
Watch them sparkle,
By moonlight,
Watch them dance,
With all there might,
See there power,
See there greed,
Notice there delight,
At being freed .
Early Years -
♥ I wasn't the child you wanted me to be.
♥ You wont love me like I am.
♥ For not being happy/social/chatty enough for you.
♥ For being your little 'failure'.
♥ Everytime you told me I was 'not wanted' and a 'mistake'
♥ For believing that I ruined your life.
♥ For every time you and dad argued about how to 'deal' with me.
♥ All those times I ran away and never wanted to come back.
♥ For the fact you always wanted more/I was never enough.
♥ For your belief that I 'let' myself be bullied.
♥ For the confusion of how I hate AND love you.
Childhood -
♥ For making you angry when I'd made you 'look bad' as a parent.
♥ For everytime they made me cry.
♥ For all the times you made things worse and taught me not to tell.
♥ For all the names I was called, and everything the teachers ignored.
♥ For wishing I'd never became friends with you -
despite knowing I would have killed myself without you.
♥ For wishing I'd never became friends with you -
despite knowing I would have killed myself without you.
♥ For the 'games' we played and when I cried.
♥ For my sleepless nights and dreadful dreams.
♥ Trusting you, your views and the way you saw it all.
♥ Lying for you when marks/bruises were noticed.
♥ For the fact as a 9 year old I tried to kill myself, yet all you did
was tell me I was an idiot and insist that no-body else was to know.
was tell me I was an idiot and insist that no-body else was to know.
♥ When you started [and continued] to lock me out when you didn't wanna know me.
♥ For how much you hated me - and had no problems with telling me so.
Teens -
♥ For lying by omission the first time.
♥ For not telling when I had the chance because I loved you too much.
♥ For the fact I wasn't his, the fact you lied and the way it tore me apart.
♥ For caring more about you then myself.
♥ For everytime you said "I'm Sorry"
♥ For everytime you said "I'm Sorry"
♥ Your promises and lies.
♥ The first time you hit me - I should never have came back.
♥ Believing that it was all my fault.
♥ KNOWING that I didn't want to have sex, but allowing you
to convince me otherwise for fear of angering you.
to convince me otherwise for fear of angering you.
♥ How you abused me in the name of 'Love'
♥ Because I still love you - in a small sick way, despite everything you've done.
♥ How sick I felt when I found out I wasn't the only one.
♥ Missing you, despite knowing to you, I was just your job.
♥ Continuing to be a failure.
♥ For being weak and pathetic - not telling, not admitting and for being too cowardice to join the others.
♥ For being the secret keeper - not just my own, but everyone around me too.
♥ For what I did that day
♥ For everytime I've hurt myself and wished myself dead.
♥ Wishing they hadn't found me that night it almost worked.
♥ For starting to get somewhere with trusting you and losing
everything that helped in the process of being honest.
everything that helped in the process of being honest.
♥ When you believed me, helped me, and then insisted you never believed at all.
♥ For being the 'unmentionable' one in the family, because my biggest
achievement is failing in killing myself so even in success I'm a failure.
achievement is failing in killing myself so even in success I'm a failure.
♥ Not feeling wanted - and you turning my sisters against me.
♥ Knowing that I wasn't welcome in this family.
♥ Knowing that I wasn't welcome in this family.
Now - [Everything above plus]
♥ My greatest ambition to date is to self-destruct - so far I've failed.
♥ For never being what I want and need to be.
♥ For everytime I've ever said, "Yeah, I'm fine thanks, how are you?"
♥ The fact that time hasn't helped like people said it would.
♥ The fact you still haunt my waking hours and my dreams.
♥ For still being completely messed up.
♥ For realising that not telling enabled things to go on for so long but
still not being sure if I'd have been able to do it any differently.
still not being sure if I'd have been able to do it any differently.
♥ For not being able to be a 'proper' adult.
♥ For still very much feeling like a child.
♥ For the fear of nearly losing someone that you'd do anything for despite pretty
much every memory you have of them involves them hating you in some way
much every memory you have of them involves them hating you in some way
♥ For not feeling one of the family - still.
♥ I've managed in some way or another to screw up every opportunity I have had to move forward.
♥ Still regretting what I did that day.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
