Mixed Moods && Family Pressure

Today I can't quite decide how I feel. Kinda numb, kinda in pain.. but it's like my mind is trying to keep it from me; I keep trying to look a little closer at it and it runs, changes.. Probably a really weird way to describe it, but still..I know it's probably better that I quite detached like this but I also know how much the 'unknown' bothers me, how out of control it makes me feel. Sort of like, even though I know it's bad, I need to know how bad so I can keep a proper measure of it all.
My moods getting lower and lower. It wasn't really until today and feeling this detached that I can make a bit of a overview of the time recently, and looking back over my posts.. Definitely getting lower. Struggling more, more often. It's still a couple of weeks until I see my CC but then again even then, I have no idea what she can do. It'll just be all the usual crap she says; routine, sleep, eat, etc. Relaxation blah blah blah.. I KNOW all this stuff. I am doing all of this stuff to the best I can do it for now. What I need is something else.. Reminding me of all these things I could understand if I wasn't already doing them.. I need something new, something helpful to try and get me through this. I truly don't want to get back to a point where suicide is an option; let alone the only option. If they put more effort into prevention then they wouldn't have to worry so much about 'fixing' things when they've not only fallen apart, but also all the pieces to have been smashed up and burned to the ground. On another ranty-type note; my Dad's still screwing up with the girls. Seriously. how many more times do I say this, how more often does he require being 'nagged' This shouldn't be my job but it is! Why am I the only person being left to deal with all this, why when that is the case. Do I not have an adult. Anyone else, who can look after me aswell. Why do i have to be the grown-up all the time.. I'm struggling now, and the only thing holding me together is knowing my sisters need me. So who do I go to; when I need someone?!

Pathetic!

I feel like it's ridiculous that I'm hurting so much.
I feel pathetic.
I am pathetic!
Nightmares, flashbacks and all these thoughts.
I don't wanna hurt anymore. I truly can't bare it!
Please someone, anyone, help me.
Before it's too late.

I Just Wanna Forget It.

I'm fed up with remembering.
Why can't I forget.
Let it all just get the hell away from me!
I don't want to keep remembering.
It hurts so much.
I remember most of the time anyway, 
but it is so much worse generally for this part of the year.
I'm fed up of feeling like this.
I'm fed up of being responsible.
Shouldn't we be able to choose whether we remember things or not?!?!
Like a switch; yes please let's remember that, no thank-you, don't want to remember that.
Unrealistic of course.
But that doesn't change the feeling of wanting that..

Toy Story 3

Why did no-one tell me how damn amazing this film is?!?
Watched it last night with the boyfriend :)
I think I enjoyed it more than he did but either way, 
super cute little girl in it, typically.

Binge :/

Had an idiotic binge last night/this morning, so have spent a hell of a lot of today in my bathroom with sickness and diarrhea [food induced of course]. I KNOW how fucking sensitive my stomach is when fasting and I still let my emotions get the better of me and control me enough into a binge.. I don't know how to stop feeling so sick. I know that fasting for a week and then binging for a day and then fasting, binging, fasting. Is not a good cycle.. I KNOW this. Yet I still don't seem able to keep myself from it. I hate myself enough at the moment, without what the scales are going to say on top of it all. At least when I'm fasting I felt pretty in control of it all and the weight loss gave me both achievement and motivation. Meh. Todays a shit day.

Struggling Again.

I felt pretty flat yesterday; but in a more, seriously depressed but so tired that I can't even feel it type way. It's kinda hard, thoughts of hurting myself are becoming so much more constant..This hatred I have for myself is becoming harder to control.. I feel like I am falling apart, bit by bit, day by day; memory by memory. Why do I have to have such a long seriously bad memory period.. If I knew this would only last a short while then I think it would be easier to take, to deal with.. But knowing this will be hard, for the next load of months [5ish]..  Knowing things are not going to get better for a long time and that they are going to get a whole lot harder for ages before theres any kind of improvement, does not exactly help fill me with hope. Struggling already, does definitely not help me feel like I'm going to be doing well this year.

Giant Lava Lamp ♥

Just had to declare that my giant lava lamp is amazing, 

and incredibly fun to watch!