Christmas Eve [just] ♥

It's here. Finally. I suppose the sooner it's here the sooner it's over. I don't wanna feel so negative about it all, and I'm really truely trying to join in with everyone, and everything.. I'm making so much effort and sometimes I feel so good it's like I'm convincing myself that I actually wanna be here too. We've had a few drinks tonight (: not much but enough for us to be a bit 'giggly' then we played Twister.. which although being so close to other people freaked me out was funny enough to overcome that so I think I genuinely enjoyed that. My mum told me I'd regret it if I didn't come over.. which is probably right, to be fair.. but I wish I could have come to this conclusion by myself. To have made this decision to come over on my own. So it was completely my OWN decision - I don't wanna have a little thing against mum for a while because I felt 'forced' into this. I don't think I'd have felt so forced if she hadn't of brought the girls into it all.. she ended up doing the whole "But the girls need you here, it wont be the same for them if there sister isn't here" and "After the year we've had your gonna let your sisters down like this" STUPID! I dont wanna be guilted into doing things that I might not wanna do.  My sisters do mean the absolute world to me. Beyond this world! I am fed up of my feelings for people being used against me. I'm supposed to be watching some movie with the family, but I'm so damn tired. Still. So I've come up to settle for bed. Having this act on for such a long period of time is so hard.. I'd forgotten how hard it was seeing as I haven't been home for this length of time in a fairly long time. *sigh* I just want it all to be over to be honest. I'm hoping people will like there presents of course, but I know already I'm going to be beyond stressed for the next few days especially.. when I go back home I'm gonna end up sleeping for a few days pretty straight I can imagine. Okay, gotta try and get some sleep. On top of everything else, I've forgotten to bring my teddy - I actually can't sleep without him, so tonight should be interesting I suppose. I'm so annoyed with myself for that! Stupidness, allowing the stress of it all to get to me so much that I've left behind things I need.

Daddy, I Love You So..♥

Dad, 
Firstly Merry Christmas!
We've made it through to the end of this year and damn, what a year we've had. I know I probably don't say it enough, in fact I can't even remember the last time I did. I love you. You mean the world to me, you are my dad and I never imagine it or want it any other way. I know it should be water under the bridge by now but things like that still hurt, but thank-you! The way yoiu have been with me through-out the break up and Mum's illness has made me feel more part of the family now then I ever have before. I suppose because I'm not the easiest person to be with I assumed if there was ever a chance to leave me out, you'd take it. Obviously this year there has been more then one chance for you to do that and you still havent. I can now believe things you told me when I was 13. You ARE my dad, you always will be and I love you so much. I'm sorry I've never really told you this before. Again, I love you, I'm sorry for how I have been in the past and although I don't think you will. Please don't leave me now. 
Love Forever

x

Okay, so this is most of a letter I'm putting in my dad's christmas card,  things have been difficult in the past, particularly after I found out he wasn't my biological father at 13. I thought I'd dealt with all of this.. years and years ago. Writing to my dad was supposed to just be a 'Thank-You' note, for being amazing whilst all the shit was going down. :/ Whilst writing a lot more came out, and I've realised that so much of the time I thought I was fine with it all I wasnt.. and in those terms, it explains one hell of a lot. It's really making me think alot about different things. [I'll post more when I've got my head around it a bit more, having to re-open doors that I didn't realise needed to be re-looked at and into] Christmas very soon now. Still worried, still slightly freaking out. But also kinda resigned for the inevitable. Really short post today. I'm sorry. :( I've got a lot on my mind but don't seem able to focus enough to get it out in a sensible and logical manner. I'll probably try again later.

You Can Take Me, But Not My Dreams ♥

You were supposed to save me.  

Instead you broke me more.

I loved you. 

I LOVE you!

Yet pretty much every memory I have of you is painful.

Why can't I think about you without feeling sick.

Tears filling my eyes, fear, pain, desperation..

I wish I could hate you like I want to.

Tonight I would like to sleep and not think of you. 

Not remember you touching me, holding me, hurting me..

I don't want to remember how much I cried. 

Everytime you used my problematic family relationships against me.

I can still feel you on me. Smell you near. 

Can you feel my fear? Or would that be too close to reality for you?

I don't want to think about how I am to blame..

How 'I wanted this' and how much of a 'tease' I am.

I don't wanna see your eyes flash; that warning sign..

To realise I am not safe, I'm not your's, but again, I'm still not mine.

Your ownership and possession of my body; of my mind.

Bruised, battered, blood and pain.

I still don't want to hear that you are sorry, again.

Promises upon promises. 

Broken, again and again.

I want MY mind back, my body, my soul. 

Despite the 9 months since I last saw you.. 

You still have me. 

All of me. Every last part.

My first and last thoughts.

Haunting my days and in turn, playing with my dreams.

The thrill I'm sure you'd feel if you knew all this.

You've caused me irrepairable damage.

And I still love you. 

And I hate it.

What do I have to do to let go?

MY J, would never have hurt me like you have.

Was MY J an act? Did he even exist at all?

♥ "Why do I love you? 

Don't even want to.

Why do I love you like I, 

like I always do" ♥

My First Love ♥

Hmm.. well.. a random topic.. as most of my blogs tend to be but why not kick off with something hard (:
So. My first love, well it would have been J; to be fair I didn't recognise that I loved him for a LONG LONG time - during therapy. So before all that I wouldn't have included him for reasons I promise I will go in to. >.< 
M was the time after/during being with J. I met J at 9 and M at 11. M was my first actual boyfriend. He'd been badgering me for a while [we were really close friends] to make it 'official' which sounds ridiculous given we were like 11.. I did love him, he was my best friend, I could talk about anything with him and the time we spent together felt 'right'. Cliche I know. (: He was my first kiss, both normal and french :L and even though he'd already made a name for himself for being fairly outrageous sexually, I never felt pressured to do anything with him. Which was brilliant considering what else was going on at the time. As is fairly normal at that age anyway, we broke up and made up, [I think he reminded me the other week that we'd been 'going out' like 13 times] Funny looking back on it. It never ended badly, we just decided we were better of as friends. We remained close and even still are fairly close now although we don't get to see each other much anymore :/ I have fond memories of our relationship, he never expected me to be all 'girly girl' and infact said it was one of the things he loved about me.. I would join the guys playing football, climbing trees..etc. I pretty much WAS one of the guys. So back to J [breathe..] J abused me for a very long time [nearly 10 years] and I was convinced that I hated him.. sure I was scared of him and all the other stuff that goes along with it, but as a general emotion, hate would be what I would associate him with. During therapy I realised I did/do love J. Well, I love the person he could be, the fun guy who would talk to me properly about anything.. play random games, listen to music.. etc, it wasn't as such what we were doing together but the fact that he didn't mind as long as we were together. For a little while it felt good, I felt so special; a way I had never felt in my life although I struggled with the attention and found it embarrasing and often blushed.. which he said was cute. -.- He never stressed out over the fact I didn't do 'girly' I didn't/dont wear skirts/dresses and think nothing of climbing trees, walking through rivers and getting dirty and hurt. For a while, thats ALL he was. This gentle, kind, amazing guy who wanted to know me, talk to me, be with me. Then things slowly changed, there were odds days at first where he would be argumentative, difficult and very stroppy, he would hit me if I annoyed him [which was often] and we started playing 'games' He questioned how much I cared about him and often tried to make me 'prove' it. These days became more frequent, quickly.. and over time I saw less and less of MY J. He was making me play 'games' more and more and these games were getting worse. One time, when he beat me up properly for the first time seemed to change it all. The touching stopped being under pretences of games and accidents. Soon he didn't care whether I knew what he meant to do despite always saying he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. He didnt care if I cried and if it hurt. After these things he would temporarily be MY J again. Knowing that would sometimes get me through. But I loved MY J, I seperated him in my head and memories between the two; MY J, kind, caring, sweet person who loved me and the other J; who seemed to hate me, got off on making me cry and hurt me all the time. After a while I could actually 'see' the change in his eyes, more often then not when I'd said 'No' or refused him in some other way.. He changed. As we got older and things got worse, I saw MY J less and less.. but before I completely go off track. I loved MY J, the only problem was the other who always managed to get in the way. My issue is I suppose; My first love is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me!

Ergh.

Today, is just one of those days. It's closer and closer to christmas all the time, and I am completely freaking out over it all.. Its not just the food/eating part.. it's all of it, the social part terrifies me! I have such social anxiety but it causes problems because my family decide I'm being 'anti-social' it's stupid but I don't really feel like I can explain to them. I'd feel stupid at my age [although age has nothing to do with it] saying that seeing people freaks me out, the whole making conversation, small talk, all the usual social graces; fear is imminent! Plus at christmas people are so unbelievably touchy-feely, I mean seriously, does someone need to touch me whilst there talking to me?! Is it normal? Am I the only person who finds this beyond point of coping? To be fair it is generally just the older generations who are like that to an excessive extent. But either way I end up having to deal with them the most since I left my parents home as they don't get to see me as much, therefore they seem to use this as a chance to completely bombard me with questions and opinions on my life. Ergh. Then we get onto the food. :/ I HATE this time of year, I'm gaining weight already because of all the stupid meets with everyone else that happens around christmas and I'm hating it so much. There will be more weight gain before the week is out and I'm struggling so hard to cope with it.. I'm using every trick in the book to try and get out of eating but they've got an answer for everything. It really makes me wonder if I've really been avoiding food for so long that theres nothing they can't work around! I've already figured out my food/exercise plan for the two weeks after and needless to say it's gonna be fairly strict. Try and lose the stuff I've gained and then continue to lose once I'm back on track. Damn. This has definately not been my week weight wise.. so much anxiety about it all though.. I'm so fed up of being fat and it's killing me to know that I can't really do anything about it till next week. :/ On top of everything else I'm still so fucking damn tired. Stupid, stupid brain. Sort it out for gods sake. I want my life back.

If I Had 10 Wishes..♥

I would wish;

1. That all my scars were gone completely.
2. That I wasn't fat and ugly.
3. That my eye-sight was good.
4. That I didn't remember the things he'd done but was still able
   to feel the compassion and empathy that comes along with facing tough times.
5. That me and my mum could have a consistently good relationship.
6. That my moods would stabilise out and not cause me such stress.
7. That I could cope without resorting to hurting myself in some way or another.
8. That my parents would learn from their mistakes made with me and not make them with my sisters.
9. That I still had all the friends I used to have.
10. That I didn't have any mental health problems at all.

And on a random note (:

♥I want your love and I want your revenge,
You and me could write a bad romance♥

Sleep [Or Lack Of Anything Else]

At the moment I'm in the low of my mood cycle :/ Sucks, but whatever. I'm in it, and I'm shattered. Seriously. Constantly drowsy, if I'm don't get like 16 hours sleep then I'm a complete mess! Irritable, unable to focus, all the nice usual things that come with lack of sleep.. although I feel like a freak because I get them when I've slept like 12 odd hours.. Obviously this is the wrong time of year to need to sleep this much.. I am struggling to get everything organised like I need to and it's causing me even more stress over it all. So for the last couple of months I've been sleeping like this, in terms of getting everything else sorted I'm managing except social life is kinda down the drain.. but these last couple of days I've been feeling worse, emotionally/mentally.. the thoughts of self-harm and suicide a more focal point in my mind now, and that's getting me down even more. I believe it's the "lack" of sleep over the last couple of weeks where I've been busier with christmas and all that but I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to enjoy christmas at all.. cause I'm either so tired I'm paying nothing else any attention, or all I can think about is hurting myself. :/ I haven't been 'low' at christmas for a few years and with all thats gone on this year I was hoping this would be able to be a really good year.. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm stressed plus god knows what else and it's all cycling and making the other feelings consequently worse. I realise thats whats happening, but don't seem to know how to stop it.. My team are useless. I have been told to have a routine; have hot drinks and baths.. although I'm sure these must work for some people - they must get this shit advice from somewhere - I know they do not work for me.. I have ALWAYS had messed up sleep. Even as a kid, it used to drive my mum mad cause I either couldn't [in her eyes, wouldn't] sleep at all or it's all I wanted to do. To be fair, that hasn't particularly changed, but I'm sure you can appreciate that since being a child, and I'm talking 3/4 my sleep has been screwed [my mum said it always has been including when I was a baby, but I don't want to include when I was 2/3ish years because my sister came along and I can imagine that wouldn't have helped my sleeping.] so in 16 years I've had messed up sleep.. I have tried and tested every imaginable and possible chance of something that may help one sleep. From extremely specific bed-time routines with baths and hot drinks to relaxing music and soothing lights.. so you can see why it fustrates me to keep getting the same replies.. it's not like I'm after sleeping tablets. I dont want them. I've had them. Been re-offered them. It's not what I want, they work fine whilst I'm on them, but once I'm off them its screwed again.. and I don't wanna be on things that can be so dangerous and addictive for long.. so I fail to see the point to try them again. The difference is obviously I don't want help to sleep, for these couple of months I'm sleeping fine.. too much, but fine. I just need some useful techniques to stop the [illogical] tiredness screwing up everything else. I only need to manage for the next week at most really, then I can just give in for a while.. but I don't wanna self-harm and I don't want to kill myself.. which makes the thoughts and images all the more distressing. I don't really have many good coping strategies.. it's hard to get ones that consistently work because my moods change to extremes and they change ability to focus on other things and ability to remember other things to do. The only thing I really do do alot is use distraction.. but my team are worried that I'm taking it too far and am entering 'avoidance' So either way I can't win; I have a technique that works/helps and I'm not supposed to use it because it works to well :/ I'm trying to stay aware and I know that, even though I'm not struggling as much as I know I can, if I just leave it it'll just get worse, I try and do something about it now, and no-one takes any notice because I'm not yet at a point where I'm about the try and jump in front of a train. These stupid services are going to be the death of me yet.

Newbie (:

Haii (:
I am me. (: Alot of my own information I will choose to keep private due to not wanting my blog to be found by certain people in my real life. I am young, not 20 years yet. Yet things have been difficult my whole life; as far as I remember. Most of my memories are of struggling with one thing or another. I am in the adult mental health services - and they suck! I am sorry to those people who work in the services and are truely good and caring, but are incredibly let down by the load of idiots who work there for god knows what reason because they do not give a flying fuck and actually seem to get a kick outta watching me struggle. Maybe I'm just particularly unlucky in terms of when I've had my team handed out, I don't know, but I have found most of my team to be incompetent idiots who know nothing about recent mental health and trauma. I have been with my CMHT since June09 and have had 2 psychs and 3 Care-Co-ordinators; in forms of a social worker, a CPN and an OT.. to be fair I don't actually care much what their qualification is.. I just want them to listen and to try and understand. I can remember HATING it when I was in CAMHs but seriously, there mess ups are NOTHING compared to how much my adult team manage to screw up.. I am willing to say I did not make things easy for my first Care-Co-ordinator; I was fresh out of hospital, kicked outta the family home and the transition period was, well.. non-existent. I saw my CAMHs social worker once whilst I was in hospital and that was it.. I met my adult social worker a couple of weeks before I left hospital, to almost leave hospital and be told that the person I'd met before wasn't actually going to be my social worker, she was just someone to meet me as who was mine was on holiday. Finally met him at my discharge meeting - HIM - because of past abuse issues I'd requested to not have a male.. I know theres problems with sharing out clients sometimes but I KNEW I would not be able to be honest properly with him due to not wanting to feel vunerable in front of him. Not his fault I know, and even though I'd tried to counter-act this happening, it still managed to make me look like a difficult, un-co-operative stroppy teenager because I wasn't able to tell him when I was struggling. I have been bullied, abused and emotionally neglected through out most of my life and they wonder why I have 'trust issues' God damn.. these 'professionals' really piss me off sometimes. I dissociate regularly and have relationship and trust issues.. I have high's so high I feel I could do anything, I won't sleep for days and when I do, a couple of hours will do, not eating feels normal and crashing into lows where I easily sleep 20 odd hours a day for a month or more.. crying, wanting to die, anxiety, self-harm and suicide attempts.. Or I hallucinate.. voices, people.. delusional ideas of plans to 'get' me and harm me in various ways. I have nightmares and flashbacks and have not yet found someone who understands it all.. I am fed up of being told I'm 'difficult' when to be honest, it's the only things keeping me alive. I have better relationships with my family again.. but it's not the same. I wont get back those years I needed and wanted care and love. I wont get back all the times I've hurt myself because my mum just wouldn't give a fuck. The nights other people have managed to hurt me because my mum chose to lock me out so I wandered about all night. They say they know.. that they understand. They understand jack-shit. They don't know me and they don't know whats going on in my head. I do not expect them to be mind-readers, of course, but they have never took the time to find out. They have worked with so-and-so who had bipolar, another who had bpd and many people with trauma issues.. so they KNOW.. bullshit. If they ever took the time to listen, they'd realise just how much they really don't know. And maybe, thats what there scared of.