2 Weeks && Sibling Stay.

So.. 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 weeks today. [ Not exactly the biggest achievement but for me, who has extreme trust and relationship issues. J I think I’m happy. Besides struggling so much with my own personal issues, I am happy with him. I do still feel safe with him, but I understand that he is really worried that it’s just going to be a matter of time before I don’t feel safe with him anymore; I suppose for me, the hardest thing is, that I can’t guarantee him that that won’t be the case. I really am so fed up of my past destroying my future. I’ve got my sister over to stay this weekend.. I’m not sure how it’ll go really. It is nice to have her here and to be able to spend some proper time together. [ I had my other sister other last weekend] [ Even if we’ve spent most of the day inside, watching DVDs and playing on the Wii.. She wants to go to the park so I’ve said to leave it till a bit later so it’ll be empty – although really it’s because I really don’t feel up to doing the whole sociable bit and despite the fact I’ve got my sister over, she’s pretty good at amusing herself for the general part of it all. I know that it’s not the point of having her here, despite giving my family a break, I do like being with her but because she’s seen me, as bad as it sounds, in terrible worse then this states, it really doesn’t phase her. 

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Please, Please Free Me ♥

Today is a day like no other. 

I'm too much of a mess to make much sense. 

I'm sorry.

For everything.

I'm hurting so much.

11 years of fear, tears and pain, 

all rolled into and remembered in one.

How do I make it all go away.

Please, please. 

Help me. 

I need to hurt myself so much.

What Was The Point Of Successful Failure?

I cried tonight. I never cry, I shouldn't give in, I'm such a fucking failure!
Scared the fuck out of my new boyfriend.
I'd been slightly dissociated all night, when i first got there, he kept asking 
if I was okay, and I kept saying that I was fine.. but then I was pretty zoned out within minutes of falling apart so wasn't able to properly reply when he was asking what was wrong.
He's scared I'm going to hurt myself.
I really want to hurt myself.
I said it was only likely to get worse over the next few months or more..
He said he'd never going to leave, however tough it gets.
I don't know what to think, what to do..
What was the point of surviving it all; 
of fighting this most of the year, every year for 11 years.. 
to live like this; 
to feel like this, 
to still remember all of this.

Memories; Haunting And Taunting My Mind

It's his birthday on Thursday.


10th February has been one of the worst 
days of the year since I was 9; so since 
2000. This will be the 11th year. 
The first year that I will not be seeing him [unless he manages to find me]
This will be, something that should make 
me feel so free, yet it continues to 
remind me how trapped I still feel.


It hurts. 
It still hurts so much.


Such specific memories, hurting me, haunting me, taunting me, playing twisted games.


The things that have happened on his birthday.


Like it was his right to make it more; longer, painful, detrimental and with an extra dose of fear on top of what was already there.

Like I owed him something because he was still bigger and stronger then me.
It feels like the beginning of the 'build up' between now and my own birthday everything stepped up levels regarding the physical and sexual abuse and the mental and emotional torment that was caused.

  
I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile.  I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile.  I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile.  I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile.  I will do this. I will cope.

And no-one will ever need know. 

Happiness, Fear && Lurking Memories ♥

I think I am happy.


He gives me butterflies.


I want him to touch me, but it just doesn't feel do-able at the moment.
But then I'm scared and weirded out, because I've never wanted to be touched before.


I even ate with him today. Breaking the rules. Breaking my record.


He held me and I didn't freak out.


I felt safe.


Yet.


I'm already contemplating the end of March/beginning of April for my death.
It's isn't an insistent, unbearable, impossible to ignore thought yet.. but it will be.
Soon enough. 


I don't want to hurt him at all.


Do I break it off now?


Or do I keep everything that might get me through the first April, since it all, unscathed. 

♥ I think I might be falling in Love ♥