Too Much..

My Nan died yesterday, I tried to spend a good day with my boyfriend teaching him how to cook [something more than toast :)] but I ended up on and off with flashbacks all day. We tried to settle to talk this evening and more flashbacks, more tears. And finally admitted to my boyfriend about what I've been thinking about; Suicide.
It seems like a good option.
All I can think about it hurting myself.
I'm doing more harm to anyone else than good.
My sister's on her way to getting support - the other two already get support.
I'm hurting way too much now. 
I truly can't take anymore.
I think I have to, to save other people, the longer I live the more people get hurt around me.
I think I'm the one causing this - yet I still don't know how.


I've had enough.
I do deserve everything I got/get but I can't do this anymore.
There is no other way out.
I will go to the funeral, I have to at least say goodbye to my Nan properly. 
- I feel guilty that I wasn't there when she died. 

R.I.P Nanny

I received bad news today.


My Nan has died. 
3rd March 2011 at 4:45pm.


I love you so much, I'm sorry for everything!


And now I'm here, all alone in my flat. 
Having to deal with this. 


I miss you already.
I'm sorry about the broken promises. 
I wish I'd came to see you more.


Please don't leave me
Come back.
I need you.

Detached.

I feel so detached today.
Other than tired, nothing is really getting through, with how I've been feeling recently it IS a relief..
But then the way I consider 'fakeness' makes it hard for me to deal with..
[Ironically I have spent years and years pretending I am okay etc.. Yet I still can't stand fakeness]
Not that it's a choice. It is just the way it is. 
How I cope, but with a mind of it's own.
In most terms I feel like things are definitely getting harder.
It's getting harder to do simple things again. Get out of bed. Clean the flat.
Clean myself to be honest.. I'm not as bad as I know I can be with my personal hygiene 
but I know it's worse then I have been doing for a while in those terms.
Concentration is going out of the window. I can't seem to read properly anymore..
It all ends up blurring and I re-read the same lines over and over.
Getting to the end of a few pages and realizing that I haven't taken any of it in..
Frustration when I'm trying to explain myself, except on here where I can take as many hours as I need to get what I'm trying to say across, my brain feels like it's being so deliberately slow JUST to annoy me further. I know logically that makes no sense and is impossible but after quite a while doing better, it's really hurting to find myself struggling again. These ED thoughts are taking a front seat aswell. It's hard, trying to please them when I don't even have to energy to read, let alone, go for a run or something like that..The flashbacks are still bad. It's hurting me so much. Like even more then multiple kicks in the stomach every time I think about 'him' Dad's got parent's evening for my sister tomorrow; he swears that he'll talk to someone about supporting her then. [We'll see I suppose]

Broken Promises.

I hate how alone I feel. 
My sister was upset last night; so was texting me. 
I truly don't think Dad realises how much it hurts that everything always has to end with

"Make sure you tell Dad about that"

It's not that I don't want him to be part of the picture, far from it. 
It's just frustrating that I cannot do ANYTHING to help my sister myself.
It's all promises and niceties that I'll get Dad to do "..." etc and make 
him see how important this is.
Yet.
He seems unable. 
My support worker did say to me that most men are just unable to prioritize when it comes to 
physical and emotional stuff. Emotional stuff always being bottom of course.
He has 4 daughters that he is now in complete control and care of bringing up;
now is not a good time to be ignoring emotions.
I just think it looks like my parent's are still not seeing what I've been through/done to cope..
I don't want another of us to end up coping in these ways but if they keep using the 
'sweet blissful ignorance' technique that seems very likely to happen.
Problematically, he is breaking my promises's to my sister. 
I told her I'd make sure he got her help [she was extremely reluctant for ages] 
and that it would be asap [any longer and she'll try and back out of it all]
I've already had 4 conversations with her trying to back out of this and Dad seems 
to fail to realise how hard it is to keep re-convincing her that it's the best thing..
Yesterday aswell as texting my sister. I got a text from my Nan. 
First contact in I don't know.. months. I saw her at Christmas, but it was a kinda flying visit.
I haven't seen my friends in a while. And it's definitely not consistent. Plus I've only just realised
how cut off I am from my family. Other than this particular sister, I am pretty much alone. 
And unless money is needed/wanted, I am a complete last thought.