Met with my CC this morning, and it was actually okay. I mean I started fairly closed down but with alot of effort I managed to be more honest about the thought's that I've been having. She has read my file - she declared it lengthy.. well I have been in the services for years.. There is going to be a change in my consultant: although as of yet we don't know who, but if I need someone she will find someone. Dr B was fairly useless anyway, so maybe I'd find someone else more helpful. I'm not sure how much of it was to do with my diagnosis, but I felt so invalidated and patronized by him. Maybe not deliberately, but I hate so much how he tried to refuse to see how I don't fit the criteria - maybe I did [although I still think something else would have fit me better and they just chose to see me being 'difficult' instead of having a lot of issues that I wasn't just going to turn around and tell them easy as pie. I have trust issues you fucking twats! I'm not just not telling you to 'test' you and I'm not trying to kill myself to 'manipulate' you in any way but actually because I am fucking hurting beyond what I can cope with. Plus, to think that I actually care enough about what you think/do to feel the need to manipulate you means you have one hell of an excessive ego] but I'm on about NOW. I don't fit the criteria and with the way you get treated when you have this diagnosis, although no-one should have to deal with it, it is something I refuse to have to deal with when it doesn't even make sense. She feels getting my sleeping better seems to be very important in helping me cope so, first I've gotta try some Nytol shit.. then when that doesn't work she'll find someone who will prescribe me proper sleeping tablets. I got the Nytol today but seriously almost threw up trying to take it - seriously awkward because I can't swallow tablets. Which after my initial optimism about sleeping better helping, I'd completely forgotten how sensitive my system still is to tablets of any kind: probably due to all my various overdoses, but yeah, I now struggle to take pretty much anything without almost or actually throwing up. Knowing that she's read my file at least means she'll have a rough idea when I mention flashbacks and nightmares.. I struggle to communicate those things clearly, so anyone I'm talking about them to needs an idea of what I'm trying to go on about otherwise we both end up frustrated by the lack of understanding. I cried. Calmed down, and then cried again. God I am so fucking pathetic. I feel like such a failure:
I'm supposed to be okay, I'm supposed to be coping.
I'm supposed to be the strong one.
She just kept saying "What about your sisters, and your family, with everything else that has gone on they really don't need to lose you too" Like I haven't been thinking that anyway.. I truly don't want to hurt them.. but there is also nothing I can actually do to help them. I feel so fucking helpless when it comes to them. I want to get involved and try and help but because everyone [read Dad] feels that Mum still needs to be a 'proper' part of the girls lives. Yes, fine whatever. I get that, of course I do, I don't want my Mum upset and angry or feeling like I'm taking over her place, but she is NOT able to do it. What would be the point of anyone talking to my Mum about the girls, depending on my Mum's mood you'll either get the 'low down' on how she almost died - which by the way is an excuse for everything apparently, way too much information on her being sexually abused - although so far we've managed to keep that from the girls [triggering me heavily of course] , or a lecture on how hard everything is for her and how we don't appreciate her enough. To try and talk to her about the girls is virtually impossible because for her the world revolves around her, so the bits about the girls you may end up with is how there 'horrible' to her, and behave just generally difficult for her.What is the point of me trying to take on her role in every other way when I can't actually do anything about any of it. Instead I just have to nag Dad which makes me feel guilty, and also means that the simplest things may take up to or over a month to get down, which obviously means anything I'm trying to help my sisters with by the time Dad 'gets round' to doing it have had enough and don't want to bother anymore. I've told Dad lots of times to get more help and support for the girls, and it should be a priority. I understand his work in important, but then again, I've never known him to miss any of Mum's appointments or extra needs. I can't take on the extra worries and concerns of a parent without the rights and for-say to actually do so. I still feel like suicide is the best option to be honest. It is purely my sisters keeping me here and as long as they've got support in place, I'm sure they'll do okay. Yes, it's wrong, selfish, evil of me to do this, but to be honest if I get to be selfish at any point in my life I rather it was for the very end. I can't keep living for other people. It will hurt them, I know, I feel terrible already but I just can't see any other way right now.
