Stupidly Pointless Post. ♥

I know it's incredibly early to be worrying about this.. but I am terrified of April.

It is one hellish month for me, I've got lots of memories, lots of 'anniversary dates' if you like of bad things that have happened.. I don't wanna think about it right now, but I am.. Ahh. I wanna scream, why am I doing this to myself ALREADY?!? I know I'm worried because I've been coping 'generally' better for a while and only had occasional slips really, I'm scared this is gonna completely throw me off track. It's getting closer, I know we've got Febuary and March first, but things will be harder in March anyway purely BECAUSE it's so close to April.. Why does it all have to hurt so much. Sorry. Pointless post, but I'm stressing out already, I'm struggling to keep a handle on things but other than this week because of all the appointments, I have been doing well, even with self-harming; I nearly got to 3 months free, and before I started this one it was over 6 months free.. It does seem to be getting harder, and like I said, I realise it's getting to that time of year again and that I'm struggling more and more with that knowledge. Plus I've got a hectic year this year, moving out, back to college - if I'm accepted - and all this heart stuff. Everything is going to be new and I wanted it to be a new start, not something that creates havoc in my life trying to just GET TO THAT POINT. It's nearly 4:30 am.. damn I'm tired but sleeping is a mess it seems. If only I could sleep, might stop the worry for a while. Wow. I do complain alot. You guys must be fed up of me.

Heart Appointment - 20/1/11

So, big appointment of the week.

Met up with Dr B - my specialist doctor for my heart 'crap' yesterday and he's concerned..My heart is a mess; it's too thick, apparently all over rather then just the septum - which is a problem in itself and my blood pressure is screwed because it's not able to respond to anything properly [exertion or rest] so hence, fainting or near fainting spells. Rythmn is bad, but not the biggest concern although it could be making the others worse.. Ah. He wants me to have a pacemaker. An ICD to be more specific. I have decisions to make, options to consider and to be honest, I just feel completely overwhelmed. As unlikely as it would have been I was seriously hoping I'd go in and he'd tell me it was all a big mistake, there's not a problem/not as bigger problem as they first thought.. Meh.. stressful times indeed. Maybe it's avoidance, I don't know, I expect so though, I also am considering delaying the next 'steps' because I know the longer I take to make decisions, the further away all the BIG steps will be.. It's basically once I've made the decisions then it'll just be a matter of meeting and checking again, and then organising the op. To be honest. Just getting to, being at and STAYING at this appointment was hell. I freaked out for a while before, but more lower level anxiety getting worse as it got closer.. by 11:30am on Friday morning I was a wreck.. a complete and utter mess and falling apart and crying, generally not wanting to go to my appointment. Ended up going in the end, had a test done, waited a while - this time not being too bad because the waiting room was fairly empty - I got called in and talked a little to him, he spoke about concerns, and asked if I'd do another test for him, he went and spoke to someone who took me in straight away and did it then, finished with all that and went back to the waiting room - this time a lot harder because it was packed; seriously busy. Thankfully he only saw one other person before he called me back in to tell me the good news. [sarcasm] Oh joy, a pacemaker, I've always wanted one of them.. Huff. Madness, it all feels unfair, shouldn't I not have to think about these kinda things until I'm like 50/60 years old.. The whole thing of course being made worse by the fact I spent a good load of time that day half naked with men.. Damn. But I'm scared. Of thinking about it. Of making the wrong choice. Of choosing AT ALL. It's all whirling around my head, a massively big, overwhelming mess.

I Gave In Like The Failure I Am.

This whole evening has been a mess.. I was having flashbacks.. really bad.. they seem to be getting worse and worse by the day at the moment. I tried distraction, it just wasn't working, I wasn't calming down, the only thing I could think of was to try and sleep.. but my cat wasn't in.. I tried getting him in and ended up arguing with a neighbour [who I've had problems regarding my cat with before - feeding him, taking him into her flat without my knowledge and all that] who went off on one about me being 'crazy' and 'paranoid' I was falling apart and she told me that I'm not good enough for my cat.. he deserves a PROPER owner.. I shouted back - even though I know I shouldn't, I just couldn't hold myself together like that. She threw accusations at me and reckoned she was going to phone the police.. I walked away and phoned the oncall phone, was told that I'm just being silly, he'll come in when he's ready - which was obviously my biggest issue in the situation ¬¬ - but I did want him in, I can't sleep without knowing he's in and safe -hence trying in the first place.. I came back in and fell apart, crying, rocking, pulling at my hair. I gave in. I cut. I've ruined my nearly 3 months.. I feel terrible now. It helped. It calmed me down so much. But now I've just managed to prove to myself how much of a huge failure I am.. I don't wanna do this anymore.. it all hurts too much and I should be able to cope, I should be strong and capable, but I'm not, I weak and pathetic, how am I supposed to move on when everything, including myself is holding me back. I'm such a huge, fat, ugly, failure. She's right, I should just go and die, I'm not good enough for my cat, I'm not good enough for anyone else or myself. I'm now not only freaking out due to appointments [Care-Co-Ordinator yest, ESA Lady today and Hospital tommorrow] but also flashbacks and anxiety and now the police [apparently] and the fact that she is NOT going to let this go.. she truely wont and this will be a source of topic forEVER now. I feel so low, so terribly low and I'm quite seriously having suicidal thoughts.. I'm not going to follow through with them, but how I wish I could. I'm so truely such a waste of space, I KNOW that, but it still hurts when I'm reminded of that fact. I'm fed up with hurting so much, I'm fed up of STRUGGLING all the time. Please, just let this end.

EDIT - The police have just been here.. seriously. They looked as fed up as I felt. They just asked a general 'What happened?' so I told them.. I have nothing to hide, and although I may not have dealt with things fantastically, I didn't actually do anything WRONG; nothing the police can do anything about anyway.. Meh. What a fucking night, can things get any worse..

ESA Lady (:

So as part of getting my ESA benefits, I have to do some meetings with A; ESA Lady. I'm in the 'Support' group so we don't really do much constructive..but just someone else who can open other doors for me I suppose.. this is only the second time I've seen her, and she's my second person. I LOVE her..seriously, she is amazing, we're SOO like-minded. She's funny, cheerful and has a pretty good knowledge of most things, both mental and physical health..it's times when I meet people like her and I wonder how I ended up with such a shit mental health team when someone who works with mental health, although in a different area, is so, so much better as a whole at working with me.. We had a good chat, random things, and then moved on to the tasks I was set; I had completed both infact over so for one, because instead of just getting the prospectus and 'browsing' college courses, I got a prospectus, browsed, chose a course and applied.   

She was thrilled (: 

Haha, damn, I'm such a people pleaser when I'm able to be. 

We spoke about my Care-Co-Ordinator and how;

"yes, she is out of order for not having read my file and that no, I'm not just being sensitive and reading too much into this" 

or something.. she was completely shocked.. 'furious' was her word so maybe angry is more appropriate.Talked about my heart, about my family, worries - my anxiety is often a mess when I see her thanks to the long bus journey and public place bit of it all.. and then more random stuff and talks of and about her own life - she has a daughter about my age.

This appointments new tasks are;

I have to write questions for my appointment tommorrow with the doctors down, so I don't forget them even once I'm in a complete and utter panic over it all && to continue to look after myself and my health. Now I've come to write the questions I had - I can't remember them.. fuck.

Not All One In The Same (:

Completely Random Post! 

So there's a new tenant in one of the upstairs flats.. I've seen him around a few times, talked with him in his flat the other week but tonight I spent hours in his flat with him.  He's so super sweet.. easy to talk to,  understanding.. trustworthy.. 

I suppose I'd forgotten in a way that not all guys are arrogant stuck-up twats who don't respect other people or there personal space.. I'd forgotten why I always had more male friends then female.. the whole easyness of it all was amazing.. No bitching.. No So-and-So said this about Whoever..  Nothing like that.. just peaceful, honest talk. Important things, he was upfront and honest. Everything I'd loved my old male friends for. Until I got to a certain age then things were more arkwardBeing able to talk about just random things and it not lead into a "Yes, I was had depression the other day" but I just 'got over it 'The irony of course being that you have to be 'depressed' for weeks for it to count as depression. 

He's just so NICE! Not nice in a - I'm trying to get in your pants - kind of way. Really, seriously, truely nice. He thinks I'm AMAZING [big-headed moment :)] He says that he normally finds it so hard to open up and talk to other people but he found me so easy to be with and talk honestly too. I'm so glad I've found someone again, help me re-gain my faith in men.. I know logically that they can't all be the same, but when your proved otherwise repeatedly it's hard to remember that. More then anything. I felt safe. Completely and utterly safe. Not once did I worry about him in that way and I didn't even find him triggering - which is odd in itself because normally I'm triggered quite easily.

Care Co-Ordinator Appointment

She actually asked what I was having flashbacks about.. 

I assumed she meant which memories were causing the biggest problems.. 

but no, she confessed to having not even read my file! 

She doesn't know, she doesn't know anything.. 

How is she supposed to help me when she doesn't know why I'm hurting so much!? 

I can't do this alone. I just cant.
But every day, life proves to me, just how alone I am.
Would it kill for ANYONE in my care team to actually DO THEIR JOB properly! 

How do they expect to help someone when they know nothing about them.. 

it's not even like she's only recently been on my team.. not far off a year.
I'm falling apart. And they can't even see what to be looking for to know when I'm struggling.. 

I'm so alone.
I'm scared and all alone.

These memories are tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. It hurts, it all hurts and I don't know how to make it stop.

To Cut Or Not To Cut; That Is The Question.

Self-harm. Self-mutilation, Self-Injury.. 

Whatever you call it. Whatever you consider it. 

It all means the same thing.

Deliberating hurting yourself.

Wikipedia describes it as; Self-Harm

 "Intentional, direct injuring of body tissue without suicidal intent."

It's a coping strategy. 

It can bring pain or relief, numbness or feeling, punishment or attempts to cope. It can give you space and time to manage or avoid your feelings. And/or trigger even more feelings.

Self-Harm can be cutting, burning, scratching, banging or hitting body parts, interfering with wound healing, hair-pulling (trichotillomania) and the ingestion of toxic substances or objects.

I self-harm as a completely last resort. If I cut, then I've already done/tried every other technique I have within my grasp to tolerate/cope with/manage things and it hasn't helped/worked either at all or enough to mean I can tolerate the feelings again.. When I self-harm it is often self-harm or attempt suicide.. like a final barrier.. the last wall before all control is lost. 

How do you decide when it's okay to do something so negative. If it's okay to fast because then you wont cut, or conversely it's okay to cut because otherwise you wouldn't eat.. it's okay to self-harm if it'll stop you ODing or attempting suicide.. it's okay to self-harm rather then hurt someone else - it's okay to hurt yourself instead of someone else.. It's okay to run 6 miles because then you wont self-harm.. it's okay to drink this bottle of vodka so you don't self-harm.. It's okay to take a 'small' overdose so you wont take a bigger one, or so you'll sleep and wont have to deal with the feelings..

Where and when are the boundries, how do you decide upon them and how do you make sure you stick to them.. make sure you don't continue up to the next level.

When I feel like this - intense, intense agony yet numb at the same time, crying so hard I can barely breathe and dirty from memories, paranoid, terrified, like life is completely unbearable - is it okay to self-harm? Is it even a choice, I've already not eaten and walked 6 miles.. so would it be wrong for me to do the 'instead of' part of the deal anyway. I will try not to, and try not to break my deal.. 

But how do you deal with this? How does everyone else decide?
.

My Angel, My Devil And Everything Inbetween.

I feel terrible.

My dreams. 

Flashbacks. 

Thoughts. 

Memories. 

Feelings.

It's all against me. Aiming for me to really really hurt myself.. I don't know what to do! I truely don't wanna give in, I truely dont want to self-harm, I don't want to have these thoughts of killing myself.. I know, I'm weak, pathetic, I deserve to hurt this much.. I deserve it all but I just can't bear to have it all again.. this is the week.. doctors, care-co-ordinators and other randomers all within one week.. I don't like hospitals - in fact I hate hospitals!! And I'm going to have to be in one, for hours.. and knowing the fact that there never running on time, it'll probably be even longer then it's supposed to be anyway..I don't want to die - not yet. I need this achievement first, I need to make it to my very end goal weight.. it's all very well to be achieving my smaller goals.. but I've still got so far to go.. I will be strong. I will continue.. I will do this.. but these memories.. they haunt me. Break me. I think about him all the time, it's not fair he already had so many years of my life and he's still got me.. still scaring me, still making me feel like this. I want to sleep. I want to be able to properly sleep, and not wake up screaming.. not wake up crying, absolutely sobbing.. I want it all to stop hurting. It's been so long.. and I know last year was my first year without any contact with him.. but I cant take it.. It hurts. My head hurts, my chest hurts, my heart hurts, pounding and heavy, my eyes swollen from the tears.. but still it continues. This assault of my mind.. even now it's stopped, I don't feel any free-er, I was promised cutting off from him completely would make it better, but I'm still stuck, a hostage from my own mind. Why do I still love him! I'm stupid. Sick. It's ridiculous to love someone who has done the things he has done.. but everyone else forgets he once saved me.. the bullying.. the suicide attempts.. the one that I would never have survived if he hadn't of cut me down, family life and friendship problems.. despite everything.. he did good too.. maybe for his own selfish reasons others say, yeah, maybe it was.. but he still did it.. he could have let them beat me, again and again, he could have left me, let me die, let it all end, he didn't have to be waiting outside my house that time my mum hit me.. he didn't need to be there the time my boyfriend raped me.. of course he never knew [I dont think] that K had raped me, but upset and a mess nevertheless, he was still there.

I hate him, but I don't. He was evil, yet he wasn't. He saved me, yet destroyed what was left.

I hate the confusion in my head, in my own mind of how I feel about him and how I see him..

Everyone else says he's evil. So why do I have so many memories where I'm considering him my angel?