I Should Be Happy.

I feel like I'm doing everything I should be doing, getting up in the mornings, getting dressed, washing, going for walks, talking to people about pointlessly irrelevant shit and not self-harming, not trying to kill myself and trying to avoid thinking about and planning my death.. I'm not crying in public, I'm being told how well I'm doing and that I'm managing fantastically.. and I thank them and say I am trying thanks for noticing, but my hearts not in it. I really don't feel like I am okay, like I am better or even like things have particularly improved. I realise to some extent they must have for me to be functioning better in terms of pretending that everything is okay, but I don't feel okay, I don't feel happy. People keep saying it must be such a relief to be feeling better now, but I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm waiting for this rush, this sudden emotion that I seem to have forgotten how to feel and it's still not here. I feel like I'm wearing a mask, to get people off of my back I am doing to basics, functioning enough for people to leave me alone and nag me about generally being a waste of space.. but I want to feel it! Some people said, that I'd feel happier if I put the 'effort' in, if I 'got off my ass and did something' that it wasn't just going to turn up, I am doing everything I can, I can't do anymore at this point and even though that upsets me, I still just want what I've been promised in a way.. stop self-harming, attempting suicide, look after yourself better and you'll be happy. I'm trying this. I'm doing this. And I'm still not happy. I feel like a failure. Like a fraud. I want this happiness everyone talks so highly of. I want the 19 years odd that I'm due of happiness.. Why should life have to be unfair, why do I not get any, I'm young, I know, but I don't wanna think that the rest of my life I'll just have to 'get by' I wanna enjoy life, I wanna be happy. I'm fed up of just 'getting by'..