A bit of a "This Too Shall Pass" moment..Should be asleep. Well beyond asleep by now, seeing as it's nearly 6am. I am tired,
yet so wired at the same time.. it's not fair.
When I feel like this, I could really do with being able to sleep.
At least getting some kind of relief from it all.
Even knowing it will pass isn't helpful, as being at the beginning of the year,
it is all going to get so much worse, before it gets better.
I'm trying to cope. I truly am. I keep telling myself that I can do this, I've done this before..
I fear my mistakes, I fear the risk and I fear failing.
But.
Something has got to give.
And I don't know if I can do this again. I realise I feel the same every year, for the first, say 6 months.. because of dates and memories.. but after doing so much better recently..
after Mum being more well..
I'm not sure I can do this.
I get through these times of year with self-harming and suicide attempts,
psychotic symptoms, severe dissociation and paranoia [to name a few]
this time of the year really messes me up.
I don't wanna do this all again.
I am doing better with my self-harm..
My last suicide attempt was last year in April.
I don't wanna go back to all this just to get through.
When I know that I'll have to do the same next year.
And the year after that.
Everyone keeps asking me if I've taken anything.
Apparently I'm talking pretty fast, and being 'too' open..
About useless stuff I imagine because I haven't told anyone much about my
feelings of what's coming up, they all know already,
they don't need to keep being told.
Hyperactive type, and jumpy thought process.
I don't know if this is just a random thing for the moment,
or my mood getting higher.. in a way, it feels like that would be such a relief.
Although I do not need to be feeling out of control right now.
I'm not really noticing the things that there mentioning..
I realise that it's likely for me.
Just another thing to think about.
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