Numb

Recently I've been feeling horrendously numb.. not exactly noted by myself until I got my news on Wednesday and my support worker telling me I seemed far too calm and collected and [for me] highly reasonable over such an important scary thing.
Now I'm only now actually aware that I'm numb now, I as a general thing, try and ignore and refuse to feel my emotions anyway because dealing with them and having to feel them I think would kill me so maybe that's why I didn't notice, I am normally extremely insightful and self-aware..

So. I have to go to a hospital, and talk nicely and sensibily to doctors about my 'high risk' and chances of dropping dead any minute.. yeah, fun conversation for anyone..

I'm not sure how I feel about it, truely. When I first got the letter and was waiting for my support worker to get off the phone I was scared and I can distinctly remember shaking.. but since then, nothing.. I was feeling quite numb this week anyway, but I think that's been due to lack of food. Possibly.. I don't know.. It's Friday now, and I shall be eating for the first time since last Saturday..

I suppose once having it pointed out to me, I am pretty weirded out by my reactions. They ARE right, 

I don't do calm and collected when it comes to doctors and hospitals, and am mostly distinctly unreasonable through fear over little things, let alone this kinda thing which is likely to mean everything I hate - a hospital stay, doctors, operation, being constantly monitered.. plus extremely regular appointments and check-ups afterwards to make sure everything's continuing to go smoothly I suppose.

Now, this has never been something I could cope with, I have asthma, and since I was told and collected my first inhalers I've never gone back, your supposed to go to clinics and things, have it monitered.. but I never have and never felt able too. I'd been skipping further tests in regards to my heart within the last 9 months also, due to this fear, and the fact that I didn't want there to be anything wrong so maybe felt unconsicously if they couldn't get enough information together then they wouldn't be able to do anything.

Except they managed, they can and they did. Avoidance is a big strategy I use to cope in a variety of ways and as much as I can see how unhelpful it obviously is being, I feel so unable to let it go.

I'm seriously considering cancelling my appointment. I'm worried I'm gonna get there and completely freak out. I'm worried there going to tell me things I don't want to hear. I scared that I'll be in trouble for skipping appointments.. I do want them to help my heart out because if I die it is going to be my damn choice.. but in so many ways it feels so much easier/better/safer to just bury my head in the sand and hope it all goes away.