Content With Failure? ♥

I have had a better day, slept about 4 hours, which is a little more then it has been recently which is better.. I woke up stressed but more tolerant then yesterday. Havent eaten at all. 

So I am content. Content with giving in, content with this failure on my part. Content that when I wake up tommorow the scale will have a lower number.

I am upset at the same time that when I struggle to catch and keep a tight hold on one thing, something else, whilst my back is turned starts the fall apart again. I'm reaching for things to stop me killing myself and to do so I forget [at first; then willingly] to eat and ENJOY not doing so..

Yesterday I was ready to jump in front of a train, if I allow my eating and exercising to slip, I can't cope. To such a point where it's even subconcious.. I will naturally just be more relaxed and cope better if I haven't eated anything/much or if I've done all the exercise I needed to do.

I re-joined a site I was on years ago, TeenHelp ♥ 

I'm not a hero. I never was and I never will be.

I can't do it all, and to be fair, I'm fat enough for weight loss to not particularly be noticable or damaging anyway. Plus one day, one day wont hurt. I gained weight over Christmas anyway.

It confuses me when other people seem to think I'm strong. I'm not strong. I'm weak, I'm pathetic. 

My head feels a mess. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I don't want to gain weight; I want to lose, but I don't want to be fasting like I am even though my weight loss goals are my only reason to be alive, to see if I can achieve them again.. I dont want these moods swings, yet medication will make me even fatter.. How am I supposed to decide? How do you decide if self-harm is okay as long as it stops you attempting suicide, when you might take it too far anyway, accidently, subconciously aiming for more..

Damn my racing mind. I'm still falling apart bit by bit and I don't think I remember where all the pieces go anymore. I don't think I'm fixable now, it's been too long. Too much and too long.