Today I can't quite decide how I feel. Kinda numb, kinda in pain.. but it's like my mind is trying to keep it from me; I keep trying to look a little closer at it and it runs, changes.. Probably a really weird way to describe it, but still..I know it's probably better that I quite detached like this but I also know how much the 'unknown' bothers me, how out of control it makes me feel. Sort of like, even though I know it's bad, I need to know how bad so I can keep a proper measure of it all.
My moods getting lower and lower. It wasn't really until today and feeling this detached that I can make a bit of a overview of the time recently, and looking back over my posts.. Definitely getting lower. Struggling more, more often. It's still a couple of weeks until I see my CC but then again even then, I have no idea what she can do. It'll just be all the usual crap she says; routine, sleep, eat, etc. Relaxation blah blah blah.. I KNOW all this stuff. I am doing all of this stuff to the best I can do it for now. What I need is something else.. Reminding me of all these things I could understand if I wasn't already doing them.. I need something new, something helpful to try and get me through this. I truly don't want to get back to a point where suicide is an option; let alone the only option. If they put more effort into prevention then they wouldn't have to worry so much about 'fixing' things when they've not only fallen apart, but also all the pieces to have been smashed up and burned to the ground. On another ranty-type note; my Dad's still screwing up with the girls. Seriously. how many more times do I say this, how more often does he require being 'nagged' This shouldn't be my job but it is! Why am I the only person being left to deal with all this, why when that is the case. Do I not have an adult. Anyone else, who can look after me aswell. Why do i have to be the grown-up all the time.. I'm struggling now, and the only thing holding me together is knowing my sisters need me. So who do I go to; when I need someone?!
My moods getting lower and lower. It wasn't really until today and feeling this detached that I can make a bit of a overview of the time recently, and looking back over my posts.. Definitely getting lower. Struggling more, more often. It's still a couple of weeks until I see my CC but then again even then, I have no idea what she can do. It'll just be all the usual crap she says; routine, sleep, eat, etc. Relaxation blah blah blah.. I KNOW all this stuff. I am doing all of this stuff to the best I can do it for now. What I need is something else.. Reminding me of all these things I could understand if I wasn't already doing them.. I need something new, something helpful to try and get me through this. I truly don't want to get back to a point where suicide is an option; let alone the only option. If they put more effort into prevention then they wouldn't have to worry so much about 'fixing' things when they've not only fallen apart, but also all the pieces to have been smashed up and burned to the ground. On another ranty-type note; my Dad's still screwing up with the girls. Seriously. how many more times do I say this, how more often does he require being 'nagged' This shouldn't be my job but it is! Why am I the only person being left to deal with all this, why when that is the case. Do I not have an adult. Anyone else, who can look after me aswell. Why do i have to be the grown-up all the time.. I'm struggling now, and the only thing holding me together is knowing my sisters need me. So who do I go to; when I need someone?!
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