Headache :/

Soo. Striding on into a new year and new start! [bullshit!] 

New start, does not mean new start, will people be getting their police records cleared? There memories zapped? Freedom of speech, expression and whatever else? Will there be sudden miracles - Cures found for diseases and illnesses? People told there terminally ill getting news of it being a mistake. No.  Of course not. Just because I know have to remember 2011 when I date things, because I'll spend a couple of months screwing things up because I continue to put 2010 without meaning to.. Does not mean that these memories will disappear, it does not mean I will be anymore trusting of people who's very jobs make it neccessary for them to have my trust. I will not want to kill/hurt myself anymore or get into debt and other trouble through being so high I feel untouchable. I will not magically be able to make and take phone calls without the anxiety just like I will not suddenly stop waking up screaming from my nightmares. I realise I that I took the point out of what it actually means, I think for a lot of people it can be a good motivator to make change; to lose weight, start an exercise regime, Start a new career, take a further step in a relationship. Thats all well and good; but I've spent ALL YEAR trying to make changes, all year managing my struggles alone, all year trying to manage my feelings, thoughts and mood swings.. What I really want is a year off. To have someone else take the reins [although I doubt I'd cope with that either] from me, and manage these things for me. I know that's not going to happen and I will continue as best I can to move on/move forward. What I really want is for someone to say; I can erase all the bits of memory you want me to get rid of. Theres now a magic pill or something that wont make me fat and physically ill that will 100% sort out my moods.. Unrealistic, but hey, who said wishes had to be.

Last Night.

Other then struggling to cope, not wanting to admit to myself I couldn't cope plus the fact that I was allowing myself to enter a year I did not want to be in or even have in the distance of my vision; I am here. Of course I dealt with it by getting completely and utterly trashed. Embarrassing myself totally; being filmed being a idiot, phoning people to declare them a "Merry Birthday."  I was pretty far gone. Which isn't something I do/let myself do much because I fear being out of control. But even through my drunken state and subconsious, I refused to see and insisted it was not New Year's - something my Dad and sisters found highly amusing! - Even in my out of mind state, I didn't want it to be New Years. *Sigh* I had such a headache this morning so spent most of the day asleep, tucked up in bed trying to sleep and thinking about how nice it'd be to sleep. The saddest thing is other people seem to think I was so positively looking forward to see the New Year in.  

Meh. I want to cut. Really badly. Bleed so much I feel dizzy. I'm feeling so triggered right now.

New Years Eve. ♥

As much as I'm trying to feel positive about this - reading back through yesterdays post regarding the last year - ♥ ♥ ♥  and how positive in ways I sound, how much progress, in some ways, I've made. I can't seem to shake of this horribly intense sense of terror, this forewarning of worse to come. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I don't know. I just know that it won't leave me, at all. I am trying to look forward, truely, to this next year, like I said in before mentioned post;

I am not expecting a better year, because good things are just not handed to you. I will try and make myself a good year. For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to trying; looking forward to this challenge.

But it's just not here.. I want this sooo bad. This positive attitude, this nothing can hurt me, no-one can knock me back down and I can and will succeed attitude to life. I know things are generally harder because I'm struggling at the moment. I suppose until today it didn't properly feel real, until now where I only have 5ish hours until its all over and done. I can't, won't let this ruin me but all these intense, unbelievable needs to hurt myself, to cut, to overdose, to hang until I black out and never have to think again. I HATE it so much when depression gets this way, when I am doing nothing but sleeping I can cope for the odd little hours I'm actually awake with the feelings/thoughts.. but now, when I can't sleep, can't focus and my mind is racing with thoughts/clips of my doing things.. flashbacks kicking off and then my emotions; I'm running out of useful energy to control myself. I have energy, but it's useless energy. It's the way I feel so often before I attempt. This agitated, sleepless low. The devils advocate, whispering in my ear, I don't really know what to do. It all seems so tempting, and after so long of feeling shit and having plans, having the energy to do something about it is torturing me. I want this pain, these feelings, these thoughts, to stop. I need them to stop. Dying seems like such a good option, a good plan and a good end to the year. I want to stay positive, I want to keep thinking about my family/friends.. but they don't know, they dont understand how I feel, what it's like to feel this way and I don't think I even have the words to explain, the words to describe.. I feel like I'm drowning. Suffocating inside myself.

I wrote this poem on the 29/12/09 -Trigger-SH/Suicide

Razor, razor,
Be my friend,
Take my life,
And make it end,
I need to die,
I need to go,
I need to lose,
What I cant show,
What I cant tell,
What I cant say,
The fact  I cant,
Wait another day,
To take each memory,
And my broken heart,
Bring them so close,
And rip them apart,
So close I can feel it,
To make it all stop,
To take all the pain,
Take everything I’ve got,
Take everything that hurts,
Everything in my head,
Take away the noose,
That’s laying by my bed,
Razor, razor,
I need a friend,
To take my life,
And make it end.

This was written around the same time in 2008

I want to meet with my shiny friend,
Who helped me through the years,
Who helped me with my suffering,
Collected so many tears,
My wanted friend will hurt me,
More then you ever will,
To release the way I’m feeling,
Release me from this harsh deal,
I want my friends pressure back,
Against my arm and wrist,
His strange way of healing,
I have sorely missed,
No words of comfort,
Just hit my pumped up vein,
Let the river flow fast,
I’ll be alright again,
I want to meet with my shiny friend,
Who helped me through the years,
Who helped me with my suffering,
And stopped my flow of tears.

And again in 2007.

I want to be an angel,
To wash away my sins,
Wash away the memories,
Of unforgettable things,
I want to stop the pain I feel,
The unrelenting tears,
To stop the harm I cause myself,
Protect me from my fears,
If I was an angel,
I could just fly away,
Not watch him hurt me,
All those planned out days,
I could just hide away,
I’d never see him grin,
Never hear him tell me that,
I’d be better thin,
Never have to feel his touch,
Never have to bleed,
If I was an angel
My soul would be freed.

2006 

As the memories come,
The tears flow fast,
All sense of reason,
Becomes a thing of the past,
Emotions are let loose,
Through my body they seep,
My life’s not worth enough,
For me to keep,
No options are left,
Only one thing to do,
I’m in the darkness hidden,
Only thing that stops me is you,
My hesitations enough,
The brick wall falls,
The options are back,
To help me stand tall.

2005

Alone in my room,
All is calm,
My special possessions,
Clasped in my palm,
Alone in my room,
Crying for you,
I’m living a lie,
And scared a bit too,
Alone in my room,
Prayers ignored,
Before me lies,
The faithful cord,
Alone in my room,
To no longer be,
To feel no more pain,
To no longer see,
Alone in my room,
A foot above the floor,
I gasp my last breath,
‘I’m Sorry’ to the door

The last 5 years. I have been hurting [actually longer but I only started writing in 2005] The last 5 years suicide and self-harm have been predominently on my mind. I wanted this year to be different. 

But it's not.

Hello New Year, I've Been Expecting You ♥

Well.. this year has been one hell of a challenge! 

♥ I have OD'd too many times to count, 

♥ I started being hospitalised [adult style ;)] repeatedly.  

♥ I had my first psychotic episode - which they now can't decide if it was - hearing voices, seeing things and believing the government were out to get me because I had secret information hidden in my subconsious that they wanted. 

♥ I had my first decent period of time without the abuse and therefore memories, flashbacks, dreams and thoughts went into overdrive worse then ever before.  

♥ I first told someone about the 'agreement' between me and my abuser.  

♥ Me and Mum getting closer, trying to try and work through some things.  

♥ Mum having an 'emotional' affair whilst she insists nothing physical happened.  
♥ Mum and Dad splitting up.. Mum and Dad getting back together.  

♥ My mum almost dying, spending 7 months between hospital and rehabilitation [I meanwhile developed and maintained an amazing relationship with the rest of my family -Dad and all 3 sisters- who all admitted -without her there- that Mum had made things harder in terms of having a relationship with me]  

♥ Struggled with Mum throughout her not remembering me [anyone, except Dad] her difficulties, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of belief in how she 'used to be'    

♥ My first hypo/manic episode; spending nearly £2000 in under 2 months, reckless, overconfident and hyposexual - I pierced my own lip, I met strangers for sex [considering I don't like/enjoy sex] plus made a few relationships I already had difficult with either having/offering sex to them. I felt I was amazing, attractive, great in bed and how I had a theories about stuff regarding psychiatry and similar things.  

♥ I became catatonic. I didn't get out of bed for weeks. Lost a fair bit of weight. 

♥ Triggered both by my sexual behaviours when higher, flashbacks and the weight loss I started up alot of my ED behaviours without realising it, until I look back in hindsight and feel too lost/safe in them again to change despite knowing the risks.

I started the year being abused on rare occasions only,  self-harming constantly and attempting suicide was a means of escaping anything, I refused to acknowledge my abuse and rapes and the memories of my bullying. My relationships with my family, but mostly my Mum, were poor and I had abandonment issues with my best friend with put our relationship into such a seriousness that we for a while lost the fun of it. I constantly argued with my 'team' and refused to co-operate in a childish manner. I'd only had one care-co-ordinator and one psychiatrist at that point. At the beginning of this year, death was very much my only wish, I hadn't wanted to start the year and [unwillingly] passed many dates of which my death was welcome.

I'm ending the year saying I haven't been abused in nearly a year, I don't self-harm very often and I haven't attempted suicide [despite wanting to, feeling like I need to] in 7 odd months. I recognise my abuse and trauma and although can still be fairly dismissive of it [because I feel others have been through so much worse, so I shouldn't complain] I am willing to accept that due to it I do struggle with some things that other people might not and instead of seeing it as a weakness I know try to see it as something else to just work with/around. My relationships with my family are really pretty good, it's still up and down with my Mum but I refuse to let it get to me anymore and knowing she can't stop me seeing my sisters like she used to do, makes things easier. Me and my best friend have come from strength to strength, we have had many changes this year, and although there have been struggles, we're still here, out the other side, expecting more. I work hard to be honest with my team [although I struggle to talk to my psychiatrist cause he's a male] and I'm not perfect but it's improving. I'm ending this year now having got to my third care-co-ordinator and my second psychiatrist. I still think about suicide often/plan suicide all the time but I'm getting better at not following through with my thoughts and plans. I have made it this year past all my bad dates, all these anniversaries and even though I know I am once again the 'wrong' side of my worst month, I am hoping I can try and continue this through, because trying is all I can do. I am not expecting a better year, because good things are just not handed to you. I will try and make myself a good year. For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to trying; looking forward to this challenge.

P.S. I also wanted to say that in this year, I haven't been on any medication for a sustained period due to me overdosing on it all the time and I haven't had any psychological intervention [just assessments; which recommended I have some!] at all within the year. All the improvements; as slight as they are. Were me. Just me and my effort and determination. (:

EDIT: P.P.S. I have never heard myself sound soo positive.. it's quite wierd cause I generally don't think like that, I'm normally extremely negative and pessamistic and I wouldn't say reading that back, that that's how it sounds/feels in my mind. No wonder I confuse my team. Meh. (:

Gone From My Mind;Back In 4 Minutes ♥

Last night and today have been incredibly hard, I have been crying and having flashbacks, trying to sleep but having nightmares. In consequence, I'm a physically tired, stroppy 'wannabe' teen who is thinking about and remembering things she'd really rather not and continues to be seriously tired because I'm too scared of the nightmares now to sleep [even though I couldn't if I wanted too]. I'm so FUSTRATED with myself; I thought I was dealing with/had dealt with this.. I thought things had gone away alot more.. now I'm still in a 'low' mood [still want to hurt myself, kill myself - whichever takes less effort, both seem like such a good idea right now] but I have energy - not proper energy mind you, stupid useless agitated energy, the kind where you move, jiggle your leg, tap your fingers etc.. I can't sleep, my mind is racing, I'm struggling to focus my attention [seriously this post has taken me all day, I just had to keep coming back to it] I've been trying to sort out my college stuff - fail. Organise my whole flat - fail. Yet, I have cleaned my sink and table [forgetting the rest] in my kitchen, my toilet and sink [forgetting the bath] and half organised my DVD collection [until I found a bouncy-ball!] I haven't listened to a full song in days and I can't even escape into a book like I'd normally try and do because I can only read a page before something distracts me. This is driving me mad. I'm ALL for distraction - brilliant, bring it on I'd normally say - but when I can't stick at any of these things for longer then a few minutes maybe 10 at most, then it doesn't work and doesn't help. I didn't realise [my support worker mentioned it] but I was completely unable to keep on track of our conversation, it kept jumping around and it took her alot of effort to keep me on task. I'm worried. I scared about having these thoughts and the energy to follow them through.. I really don't know what to do..