Headache :/

Soo. Striding on into a new year and new start! [bullshit!] 

New start, does not mean new start, will people be getting their police records cleared? There memories zapped? Freedom of speech, expression and whatever else? Will there be sudden miracles - Cures found for diseases and illnesses? People told there terminally ill getting news of it being a mistake. No.  Of course not. Just because I know have to remember 2011 when I date things, because I'll spend a couple of months screwing things up because I continue to put 2010 without meaning to.. Does not mean that these memories will disappear, it does not mean I will be anymore trusting of people who's very jobs make it neccessary for them to have my trust. I will not want to kill/hurt myself anymore or get into debt and other trouble through being so high I feel untouchable. I will not magically be able to make and take phone calls without the anxiety just like I will not suddenly stop waking up screaming from my nightmares. I realise I that I took the point out of what it actually means, I think for a lot of people it can be a good motivator to make change; to lose weight, start an exercise regime, Start a new career, take a further step in a relationship. Thats all well and good; but I've spent ALL YEAR trying to make changes, all year managing my struggles alone, all year trying to manage my feelings, thoughts and mood swings.. What I really want is a year off. To have someone else take the reins [although I doubt I'd cope with that either] from me, and manage these things for me. I know that's not going to happen and I will continue as best I can to move on/move forward. What I really want is for someone to say; I can erase all the bits of memory you want me to get rid of. Theres now a magic pill or something that wont make me fat and physically ill that will 100% sort out my moods.. Unrealistic, but hey, who said wishes had to be.

Last Night.

Other then struggling to cope, not wanting to admit to myself I couldn't cope plus the fact that I was allowing myself to enter a year I did not want to be in or even have in the distance of my vision; I am here. Of course I dealt with it by getting completely and utterly trashed. Embarrassing myself totally; being filmed being a idiot, phoning people to declare them a "Merry Birthday."  I was pretty far gone. Which isn't something I do/let myself do much because I fear being out of control. But even through my drunken state and subconsious, I refused to see and insisted it was not New Year's - something my Dad and sisters found highly amusing! - Even in my out of mind state, I didn't want it to be New Years. *Sigh* I had such a headache this morning so spent most of the day asleep, tucked up in bed trying to sleep and thinking about how nice it'd be to sleep. The saddest thing is other people seem to think I was so positively looking forward to see the New Year in.  

Meh. I want to cut. Really badly. Bleed so much I feel dizzy. I'm feeling so triggered right now.