New Years Eve. ♥

As much as I'm trying to feel positive about this - reading back through yesterdays post regarding the last year - ♥ ♥ ♥  and how positive in ways I sound, how much progress, in some ways, I've made. I can't seem to shake of this horribly intense sense of terror, this forewarning of worse to come. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I don't know. I just know that it won't leave me, at all. I am trying to look forward, truely, to this next year, like I said in before mentioned post;

I am not expecting a better year, because good things are just not handed to you. I will try and make myself a good year. For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to trying; looking forward to this challenge.

But it's just not here.. I want this sooo bad. This positive attitude, this nothing can hurt me, no-one can knock me back down and I can and will succeed attitude to life. I know things are generally harder because I'm struggling at the moment. I suppose until today it didn't properly feel real, until now where I only have 5ish hours until its all over and done. I can't, won't let this ruin me but all these intense, unbelievable needs to hurt myself, to cut, to overdose, to hang until I black out and never have to think again. I HATE it so much when depression gets this way, when I am doing nothing but sleeping I can cope for the odd little hours I'm actually awake with the feelings/thoughts.. but now, when I can't sleep, can't focus and my mind is racing with thoughts/clips of my doing things.. flashbacks kicking off and then my emotions; I'm running out of useful energy to control myself. I have energy, but it's useless energy. It's the way I feel so often before I attempt. This agitated, sleepless low. The devils advocate, whispering in my ear, I don't really know what to do. It all seems so tempting, and after so long of feeling shit and having plans, having the energy to do something about it is torturing me. I want this pain, these feelings, these thoughts, to stop. I need them to stop. Dying seems like such a good option, a good plan and a good end to the year. I want to stay positive, I want to keep thinking about my family/friends.. but they don't know, they dont understand how I feel, what it's like to feel this way and I don't think I even have the words to explain, the words to describe.. I feel like I'm drowning. Suffocating inside myself.

I wrote this poem on the 29/12/09 -Trigger-SH/Suicide

Razor, razor,
Be my friend,
Take my life,
And make it end,
I need to die,
I need to go,
I need to lose,
What I cant show,
What I cant tell,
What I cant say,
The fact  I cant,
Wait another day,
To take each memory,
And my broken heart,
Bring them so close,
And rip them apart,
So close I can feel it,
To make it all stop,
To take all the pain,
Take everything I’ve got,
Take everything that hurts,
Everything in my head,
Take away the noose,
That’s laying by my bed,
Razor, razor,
I need a friend,
To take my life,
And make it end.

This was written around the same time in 2008

I want to meet with my shiny friend,
Who helped me through the years,
Who helped me with my suffering,
Collected so many tears,
My wanted friend will hurt me,
More then you ever will,
To release the way I’m feeling,
Release me from this harsh deal,
I want my friends pressure back,
Against my arm and wrist,
His strange way of healing,
I have sorely missed,
No words of comfort,
Just hit my pumped up vein,
Let the river flow fast,
I’ll be alright again,
I want to meet with my shiny friend,
Who helped me through the years,
Who helped me with my suffering,
And stopped my flow of tears.

And again in 2007.

I want to be an angel,
To wash away my sins,
Wash away the memories,
Of unforgettable things,
I want to stop the pain I feel,
The unrelenting tears,
To stop the harm I cause myself,
Protect me from my fears,
If I was an angel,
I could just fly away,
Not watch him hurt me,
All those planned out days,
I could just hide away,
I’d never see him grin,
Never hear him tell me that,
I’d be better thin,
Never have to feel his touch,
Never have to bleed,
If I was an angel
My soul would be freed.

2006 

As the memories come,
The tears flow fast,
All sense of reason,
Becomes a thing of the past,
Emotions are let loose,
Through my body they seep,
My life’s not worth enough,
For me to keep,
No options are left,
Only one thing to do,
I’m in the darkness hidden,
Only thing that stops me is you,
My hesitations enough,
The brick wall falls,
The options are back,
To help me stand tall.

2005

Alone in my room,
All is calm,
My special possessions,
Clasped in my palm,
Alone in my room,
Crying for you,
I’m living a lie,
And scared a bit too,
Alone in my room,
Prayers ignored,
Before me lies,
The faithful cord,
Alone in my room,
To no longer be,
To feel no more pain,
To no longer see,
Alone in my room,
A foot above the floor,
I gasp my last breath,
‘I’m Sorry’ to the door

The last 5 years. I have been hurting [actually longer but I only started writing in 2005] The last 5 years suicide and self-harm have been predominently on my mind. I wanted this year to be different. 

But it's not.