Fighting This Losing Battle.

I really don't think I can win this. 

The Funny thing is;

I don't think I was ever meant to.

Today I cut again. Deep.

I couldn't see another way around it, I can't feel like this, 

feeling like this triggers the memories and the memories trigger the feelings. 

I can't win. 

This is a lose:lose situation that will always be one to him and nil to me.

I'm falling so fast this time, I don't know how to stop this, 

how to change it, how to manage this. 

I'm alone, just as alone as I was whilst it was all happening.

And I'm dealing with this alone, just like I did at the time. 

I don't want to hurt anyone.

How come things screw up just as I sort things out with the family?

I love my sisters more than anything, it scares me that if I do anything

then maybe he would manage somehow to get access to them.

There'd be a way of him going back on his word, 

without me here, to ensure he doesn't.

It's harder to keep him from my mind every day.

The more I think of him, the more the memories,

the more the worry, the stress, the fear.

He's at Uni now, and even though that is not exactly far

it is a hell of a lot further away then before.

I am able to go to my parent's house without completely 

freaking out.. Well. Sort of.

I think this is all just showing me just how alone I am. 

As long as before I die, I get a few things sorted.

Couple of tasks to complete first.

I was always meant to lose. 

I know that now.