Sleep.. Or Lack Thereof.

I am soo tired. The only problem is by the evening/nights I’m so over tired that I end up slightly energetic; well no, maybe more hyper than anything. You know with some little kids when they get over tired they start running around and being a bit difficult and actually seem completely unable to stop themselves. Well that’s me to the T. I am trying to sleep, trying to settle and I seriously just can’t, I’m keeping a better routine than I ever have before, I’m trying to avoid all napping during the day to avoid that issue, but seriously, it just still doesn’t happen. I’m dissociating A LOT at the moment, and I was wondering if being so tired was making this worse? Probably, I knew my sleep was going to mess up, time of year, memories, and my sleep is always the first thing to go. For me, that’s just how it is, so it was EXPECTED that I would have problems sleeping, but not this bad this fast and I wasn’t expecting that I would be getting no relief at all. Dissociation is being so wide and varied at the moment, which is different to how it normally works for me, normally; I mainly have one type of dissociation for a while and then it kinda moves on, or steps up. I am having a lot of lost time, but any time I am here I feel completely cut off, emotionally, physically sometimes feeling completely unreal. Everyone keeps telling me I seem very ‘guarded’ I can understand why it’s happening now, the memories are pretty bad, worse than they normally are by this point in the year. What bothers me the most I think is the lack of control for it all. When all this began, I CHOSE to ‘leave my mind’ to cope, whereas as things got worse, and as I’ve gotten older it seems completely out of my control, and I’m losing and missing out on things I really don’t want to do, and remembering more and more.I think those are what hurts the most, I’ve spent so long trying to convince myself that I was overreacting and that really I had nothing much to complain about, but the more I remember the harder it is for me to keep reminding myself of this. It's so much harder to make it all make sense, it's so much harder to make it feel like it's not my fault; I realise maybe that doesn't make sense, but for me, to do those things to someone they must have done something really bad to you. So it is my fault, I must have done some terrible things to deserve this. Also, does anyone know how to switch the repressed memories off? Seriously I have enough memories to deal with right now without more on top. Plus, my support keeps getting cancelled. I really don't know how much longer I can keep a lid on this, and it scares me to know that this is only going to get worse.