My First Love ♥

Hmm.. well.. a random topic.. as most of my blogs tend to be but why not kick off with something hard (:
So. My first love, well it would have been J; to be fair I didn't recognise that I loved him for a LONG LONG time - during therapy. So before all that I wouldn't have included him for reasons I promise I will go in to. >.< 
M was the time after/during being with J. I met J at 9 and M at 11. M was my first actual boyfriend. He'd been badgering me for a while [we were really close friends] to make it 'official' which sounds ridiculous given we were like 11.. I did love him, he was my best friend, I could talk about anything with him and the time we spent together felt 'right'. Cliche I know. (: He was my first kiss, both normal and french :L and even though he'd already made a name for himself for being fairly outrageous sexually, I never felt pressured to do anything with him. Which was brilliant considering what else was going on at the time. As is fairly normal at that age anyway, we broke up and made up, [I think he reminded me the other week that we'd been 'going out' like 13 times] Funny looking back on it. It never ended badly, we just decided we were better of as friends. We remained close and even still are fairly close now although we don't get to see each other much anymore :/ I have fond memories of our relationship, he never expected me to be all 'girly girl' and infact said it was one of the things he loved about me.. I would join the guys playing football, climbing trees..etc. I pretty much WAS one of the guys. So back to J [breathe..] J abused me for a very long time [nearly 10 years] and I was convinced that I hated him.. sure I was scared of him and all the other stuff that goes along with it, but as a general emotion, hate would be what I would associate him with. During therapy I realised I did/do love J. Well, I love the person he could be, the fun guy who would talk to me properly about anything.. play random games, listen to music.. etc, it wasn't as such what we were doing together but the fact that he didn't mind as long as we were together. For a little while it felt good, I felt so special; a way I had never felt in my life although I struggled with the attention and found it embarrasing and often blushed.. which he said was cute. -.- He never stressed out over the fact I didn't do 'girly' I didn't/dont wear skirts/dresses and think nothing of climbing trees, walking through rivers and getting dirty and hurt. For a while, thats ALL he was. This gentle, kind, amazing guy who wanted to know me, talk to me, be with me. Then things slowly changed, there were odds days at first where he would be argumentative, difficult and very stroppy, he would hit me if I annoyed him [which was often] and we started playing 'games' He questioned how much I cared about him and often tried to make me 'prove' it. These days became more frequent, quickly.. and over time I saw less and less of MY J. He was making me play 'games' more and more and these games were getting worse. One time, when he beat me up properly for the first time seemed to change it all. The touching stopped being under pretences of games and accidents. Soon he didn't care whether I knew what he meant to do despite always saying he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. He didnt care if I cried and if it hurt. After these things he would temporarily be MY J again. Knowing that would sometimes get me through. But I loved MY J, I seperated him in my head and memories between the two; MY J, kind, caring, sweet person who loved me and the other J; who seemed to hate me, got off on making me cry and hurt me all the time. After a while I could actually 'see' the change in his eyes, more often then not when I'd said 'No' or refused him in some other way.. He changed. As we got older and things got worse, I saw MY J less and less.. but before I completely go off track. I loved MY J, the only problem was the other who always managed to get in the way. My issue is I suppose; My first love is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me!