Newbie (:

Haii (:
I am me. (: Alot of my own information I will choose to keep private due to not wanting my blog to be found by certain people in my real life. I am young, not 20 years yet. Yet things have been difficult my whole life; as far as I remember. Most of my memories are of struggling with one thing or another. I am in the adult mental health services - and they suck! I am sorry to those people who work in the services and are truely good and caring, but are incredibly let down by the load of idiots who work there for god knows what reason because they do not give a flying fuck and actually seem to get a kick outta watching me struggle. Maybe I'm just particularly unlucky in terms of when I've had my team handed out, I don't know, but I have found most of my team to be incompetent idiots who know nothing about recent mental health and trauma. I have been with my CMHT since June09 and have had 2 psychs and 3 Care-Co-ordinators; in forms of a social worker, a CPN and an OT.. to be fair I don't actually care much what their qualification is.. I just want them to listen and to try and understand. I can remember HATING it when I was in CAMHs but seriously, there mess ups are NOTHING compared to how much my adult team manage to screw up.. I am willing to say I did not make things easy for my first Care-Co-ordinator; I was fresh out of hospital, kicked outta the family home and the transition period was, well.. non-existent. I saw my CAMHs social worker once whilst I was in hospital and that was it.. I met my adult social worker a couple of weeks before I left hospital, to almost leave hospital and be told that the person I'd met before wasn't actually going to be my social worker, she was just someone to meet me as who was mine was on holiday. Finally met him at my discharge meeting - HIM - because of past abuse issues I'd requested to not have a male.. I know theres problems with sharing out clients sometimes but I KNEW I would not be able to be honest properly with him due to not wanting to feel vunerable in front of him. Not his fault I know, and even though I'd tried to counter-act this happening, it still managed to make me look like a difficult, un-co-operative stroppy teenager because I wasn't able to tell him when I was struggling. I have been bullied, abused and emotionally neglected through out most of my life and they wonder why I have 'trust issues' God damn.. these 'professionals' really piss me off sometimes. I dissociate regularly and have relationship and trust issues.. I have high's so high I feel I could do anything, I won't sleep for days and when I do, a couple of hours will do, not eating feels normal and crashing into lows where I easily sleep 20 odd hours a day for a month or more.. crying, wanting to die, anxiety, self-harm and suicide attempts.. Or I hallucinate.. voices, people.. delusional ideas of plans to 'get' me and harm me in various ways. I have nightmares and flashbacks and have not yet found someone who understands it all.. I am fed up of being told I'm 'difficult' when to be honest, it's the only things keeping me alive. I have better relationships with my family again.. but it's not the same. I wont get back those years I needed and wanted care and love. I wont get back all the times I've hurt myself because my mum just wouldn't give a fuck. The nights other people have managed to hurt me because my mum chose to lock me out so I wandered about all night. They say they know.. that they understand. They understand jack-shit. They don't know me and they don't know whats going on in my head. I do not expect them to be mind-readers, of course, but they have never took the time to find out. They have worked with so-and-so who had bipolar, another who had bpd and many people with trauma issues.. so they KNOW.. bullshit. If they ever took the time to listen, they'd realise just how much they really don't know. And maybe, thats what there scared of.