Cycle Of This Life Must End Now.

Back when my Nan was young, things that are considered abuse was normal. Due to her illnesses she was abusive to my Mum and Uncles, physically and emotionally. Not that being ill is an excuse - but she thought my Mum was the devil and things, tried beating the 'evil' out of her. When my Mum was very ill still and getting some of her first memories back, she had some memories of being touched inappropriately [sexually] when she would have been very young - about 5 years. By her father. This was clarified by her elder brother - who had caught him at times and being older understood it more. It was hard to hear. Horrible in fact. My Grandad died when my Mum was 12 so I've never met him and before my Mums illness and these memories he was a kind of 'hero' in the family. My Mum always considered herself a 'Daddies Girl' although never seemed able to explain why this was the case. I've been thinking about this alot recently. It explains so much. The way she was with me, our relationship, the problems and differences in abilities of parenting from my Mum and my Dad, but with Mum being the one at home all the time. Dad wasn't about enough to make up for the way Mum was. And then he was never mine anyway. My Mum, completely unintentionally [I think] messed me up - and since all this came to light it's all made so much more sense and logic - BUT I am worrying about my own future so much more since this all came out. Now, I know my Mum loves me, I know she cares - in her own way. I understand that most of the anger wasn't actually caused by me, I just seemed to be someone who triggered it off. I know that now.. but at 5 when my Mum wouldn't look at me for weeks, when Mum would send me to Nan's because she couldn't cope with me and my little sister at the same time.. at 7 when she would scream and shout and tell me she hated me, that I'd ruined her life and any chances of her making anything of herself, that she just wanted me to go, still spending so much time at my Nan's. At 9, trying to kill myself, hurting myself, hitting my head on walls, punching things, feeling like I was gonna break but that it didn't matter because Mum hated me anyway. Meeting J, falling apart more. But then I was sick, evil, twisted little girl who was hated by everybody. Why would I expect any different; even if he did promise to be my best friend. Getting off track now, but you know what I mean.
I'm worried that despite all my best intentions I will end up screwing up my children. I don't have any yet and no plans anytime soon, but I cant help but think and worry that that's how it will be with my children. That I'll be so focused on my own pain I'll lash out at whoever's closest. I don't wanna mess up my children. I want this all to stop. I wanna stop this cycle here.