So, big appointment of the week.
Met up with Dr B - my specialist doctor for my heart 'crap' yesterday and he's concerned..My heart is a mess; it's too thick, apparently all over rather then just the septum - which is a problem in itself and my blood pressure is screwed because it's not able to respond to anything properly [exertion or rest] so hence, fainting or near fainting spells. Rythmn is bad, but not the biggest concern although it could be making the others worse.. Ah. He wants me to have a pacemaker. An ICD to be more specific. I have decisions to make, options to consider and to be honest, I just feel completely overwhelmed. As unlikely as it would have been I was seriously hoping I'd go in and he'd tell me it was all a big mistake, there's not a problem/not as bigger problem as they first thought.. Meh.. stressful times indeed. Maybe it's avoidance, I don't know, I expect so though, I also am considering delaying the next 'steps' because I know the longer I take to make decisions, the further away all the BIG steps will be.. It's basically once I've made the decisions then it'll just be a matter of meeting and checking again, and then organising the op. To be honest. Just getting to, being at and STAYING at this appointment was hell. I freaked out for a while before, but more lower level anxiety getting worse as it got closer.. by 11:30am on Friday morning I was a wreck.. a complete and utter mess and falling apart and crying, generally not wanting to go to my appointment. Ended up going in the end, had a test done, waited a while - this time not being too bad because the waiting room was fairly empty - I got called in and talked a little to him, he spoke about concerns, and asked if I'd do another test for him, he went and spoke to someone who took me in straight away and did it then, finished with all that and went back to the waiting room - this time a lot harder because it was packed; seriously busy. Thankfully he only saw one other person before he called me back in to tell me the good news. [sarcasm] Oh joy, a pacemaker, I've always wanted one of them.. Huff. Madness, it all feels unfair, shouldn't I not have to think about these kinda things until I'm like 50/60 years old.. The whole thing of course being made worse by the fact I spent a good load of time that day half naked with men.. Damn. But I'm scared. Of thinking about it. Of making the wrong choice. Of choosing AT ALL. It's all whirling around my head, a massively big, overwhelming mess.
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