I Gave In Like The Failure I Am.

This whole evening has been a mess.. I was having flashbacks.. really bad.. they seem to be getting worse and worse by the day at the moment. I tried distraction, it just wasn't working, I wasn't calming down, the only thing I could think of was to try and sleep.. but my cat wasn't in.. I tried getting him in and ended up arguing with a neighbour [who I've had problems regarding my cat with before - feeding him, taking him into her flat without my knowledge and all that] who went off on one about me being 'crazy' and 'paranoid' I was falling apart and she told me that I'm not good enough for my cat.. he deserves a PROPER owner.. I shouted back - even though I know I shouldn't, I just couldn't hold myself together like that. She threw accusations at me and reckoned she was going to phone the police.. I walked away and phoned the oncall phone, was told that I'm just being silly, he'll come in when he's ready - which was obviously my biggest issue in the situation ¬¬ - but I did want him in, I can't sleep without knowing he's in and safe -hence trying in the first place.. I came back in and fell apart, crying, rocking, pulling at my hair. I gave in. I cut. I've ruined my nearly 3 months.. I feel terrible now. It helped. It calmed me down so much. But now I've just managed to prove to myself how much of a huge failure I am.. I don't wanna do this anymore.. it all hurts too much and I should be able to cope, I should be strong and capable, but I'm not, I weak and pathetic, how am I supposed to move on when everything, including myself is holding me back. I'm such a huge, fat, ugly, failure. She's right, I should just go and die, I'm not good enough for my cat, I'm not good enough for anyone else or myself. I'm now not only freaking out due to appointments [Care-Co-Ordinator yest, ESA Lady today and Hospital tommorrow] but also flashbacks and anxiety and now the police [apparently] and the fact that she is NOT going to let this go.. she truely wont and this will be a source of topic forEVER now. I feel so low, so terribly low and I'm quite seriously having suicidal thoughts.. I'm not going to follow through with them, but how I wish I could. I'm so truely such a waste of space, I KNOW that, but it still hurts when I'm reminded of that fact. I'm fed up with hurting so much, I'm fed up of STRUGGLING all the time. Please, just let this end.

EDIT - The police have just been here.. seriously. They looked as fed up as I felt. They just asked a general 'What happened?' so I told them.. I have nothing to hide, and although I may not have dealt with things fantastically, I didn't actually do anything WRONG; nothing the police can do anything about anyway.. Meh. What a fucking night, can things get any worse..