April 2004 13 years old
I got my first 'proper' boyfriend K, I say proper because I did find him attractive, I did like him and I didn't feel weird kissing him like I had with M [ex-boyfriend] despite the way things were with J. Things were okay; good okay, I was young things aren't supposed to be serious and complicated. I found out this month that my dad wasn't my biological father, I held it together carried my mum through her sorrow and upset and told my dad it didn't matter [but it did!] I was at K's house and we were alone, on his computer downstairs and messing around. I was joking around telling him he was gay when he flipped out, he pinned me against the wall and held my neck. He started unbuttoning my shirt [school uniform] and groped my breast then let me go. He turned back to the computer and acted as if nothing had happened. Later on he told me he had something to show me, took me upstairs and we sat for a while on his bed, he sorted out a movie and put it on. Typical teenage fashion - a movie comes on of course you have to start kissing - and that was fine. But then he started undoing my shirt again and despite me trying to stop him and telling him not to. He didn't listen, he sat on my legs and held my arms under his knees, he started groping my breasts again, but harder, he ran his hands down and over my stomach and then undid my trousers. I kept begging him, saying No but he wouldn't listen. He leant over the side of the bed and grabbed something silky and covered my eyes, terrified I started to completely freak out, he hit me and suddenly I found my hands being tied to his bed. I felt him pull my trousers down and with that, my underwear, he just touched me for a while then it stopped and the weight on the bed shifted. I thought maybe he'd gone and tried to untie myself with no luck but then he was back, he had taken his jeans and boxers off and he then joined me, I tried again to tell him not to, that I didn't want this, that he had to stop when he entered me. It hurt. Alot. I cried and kept telling him to stop and he kept telling me to shut up. Eventually he finished, and he sat on the bed and just said "I'm not gay" He untied me and left me to get dressed, within 10 minutes his mum was home and offered to take me home, I accepted, went home locked myself in the bathroom and cried under the shower.
The bullying from the group I was at school with finally came to a head, I hit the main one back after being beaten for an hour, once I did that, that group generally left me more alone. I was still being assaulted by other people, one girl tried to strangle me [in front of my sister] so everyone found out and the police were called, had to do statements and all that. So apart from her and another girl who didn't like me and punched me [and tried to strangle me] regularly I wasn't being beaten up by anyone other then J anymore.
Me and J argued, he didn't like K and K didn't like him, I was constantly trying to sort things out so they wouldn't kill each other. J didn't like the fact that K was my 'official' boyfriend and K didn't like how much J touched me and acted like he owned me. He knew I had dumped K but didn't know why and didn't know why I wouldn't tell him the 'truth' I'd told J that we'd argued and I'd just had enough of him generally. Which he was refusing to take as a reason. He stormed off somewhere and assuming he had left and feeling thankful he hadn't hit me, I sat down by the lake and just watched the water. Next thing I know I'm being pulled up, into a hug by J, at first he just hugged me, then he slid his hands, under my clothes onto my bum. I tried to pull away and he just undid my jeans, and tried to get them off. I was objecting and trying to do them back up when he flicked my feet from under me so I was on the floor, before I regained what I was doing he tugged down my jeans and pulled them off [I can't even recall where my shoes were] I begged him, "No, please no J, please don't, you dont have to do this, please" I screamed. He hit me, he hit me so hard and told me if he heard another sound out of me he would make sure I never made it home tonight. He pulled down his joggers and boxers and roughly thrust into me. Only once it was all over and done with did I cry. I called for someone I've never wanted before in my life - My mum. He put his arms around me and said he was sorry, he said it would never happen again, but I'd annoyed him and I was looking too attractive and that he couldn't stop himself. He said to let him help me but I ignored him and rolled on my side, eventually he left and I tried to get home. I'd lost my phone out there, I don't recall where it went at all and I was late. I got home and as soon as I was through the door my mum was shouting at me for being late, then shouting some more when I told her I'd lost my phone. This time I went up, locked myself in the bathroom and sat cutting under the shower. He promised me it wouldn't happen again but it did. Within the next week. And then again and again. Increasing quickly until it was almost everyday. I don't remember most of them. I remember about 5ish times mostly I just recall waking up the next day or later on in the day and feeling/knowing like I had. [Girls just know when they've had sex, I'm sure it can't just be me] and having a completely blank periods increasingly often in my memory.
My self-harming increased dramatically and my friends noticed, my school work and behaviour slipped and the teachers noticed. I had people asking me again and again. What was wrong with me, why was I acting so different, so weird. I started attempting suicide regularly and got into an argument with a religious girl in my tutor when she'd noticed the bruises around my neck from a rope and told me I was going to hell. One teacher noticed marks on my neck and asked about them and I said it was an accident, another asked and insisted they looked self-inflicted and I told her my mum was sorting something out.
My then ex-boyfriend K had been sexually harrassing/assaulting/raping other girls in my year and so one of the teachers was talking to these girls, for some reason my name came up and I was called into her office to 'talk' I wanted to, but couldn't tell her, considering it was all my fault! I'd put myself in both situations and I annoyed them both. :/They believed something was up and contacted my mum to talk to me about it and in her tact she said to me "The school called about you and some boy, If I find out you've been being a slut my girl, you are beyond in trouble, so, have you got anything to say??" Hopefully it's needless to say that I didn't tell her.
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