Monday 27 December 2010
Rip My Heart Apart && Tear Up My Soul.
I've been having flashbacks intensely in the last few hours, this has been the first proper break I've had from them where I have calmed my crying enough to see, my breathing to not feel light-headed and my shaking to a point where I can actually type. Man. This sucks, I haven't had it like that for a while.. [when I say a while I mean a week] and it always hurts extra every time it reoccurs. It used to be like this constantly, so I can see the progress in only normally having maybe one this bad a week, maybe even once a fortnight. My head is pounding. My heart is pounding.. I'm shivering and shaking and damn, I wanna cut so much!! Seriously.. I don't know what to do, I'm fed up of all this, please help me. Why did all this shit have to happen to me! To be fair, why does this kinda stuff happen at all!! When does someone ever think - "you know what even if someone says 'No' they don't actually mean it" Crying? - putting it on.. Throws up after - just weak. Im tired, I'm tired and fed up of this all being in my head, just go away. GO AWAY! Please. I can't take anymore, it all hurts so soo much. Remembering him, feeling him, smelling him. It's not fair, I don't wanna do this anymore. I can't keep feeling like this. Why can't I just forget. I don't wanna know how much of everything is my fault, I can't take it, the pain and pressure. Building. Built inside me. I feel sick. I'm scared. I don't know how to make this better anymore. Nothing helps anymore! Please just stop..
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This sounds like it could have been directly ripped out of my journal when I began to have flashback...it was horrible. I can tell you that it does get better, but unfortunately part of the process is beyond painful and "crazy making." Hang in there...it does get better, I promise.
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p.s.~ if you could or want to can you make the font a bit larger...old eyes are having difficulty reading the smaller print. If not, I'll still be reading!!!
Thanks so much (: It sounds awful to say, but in a way I'm glad other people can understand, although I would never want anything like this to happen to other people.. Thanks for the hugs, they are very much needed! I'm so sorry about the font, it's just where I make it smaller so I can fit more into one space to read it through.. I will make it bigger :) x
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