Moving blogs..

Moving fully over to my other blog http://losingagainstmydemons.blogspot.com/
Thanks for reading :)

Losing This Battle

I'm losing.
I can't fight anymore.
I have never tried this hard before; wanted something different before..
I cut too deep.
Way too deep.
Should get stitches but am scared of the judgement. Plus, it's probably too late now.
I can't focus.
Most of the time I can't even cry but then there's random moments when I can't stop. I am trying everything to stop myself falling further and it's still not working. What do I do?! How can I keep hold of myself when everything is crashing around me.
I don't want to be like this.
There all worried. My team. My support workers. My family.
I don't know what else I can do to make this stop, how to make this bearable again.
I want to sleep. Without nightmares. Think without flashbacks. I don't want intrusive thoughts or plans of my death. I just want it all to go away.
Somebody please help me. 

Even lower..

I can feel myself slipping again.
Lower even..
Not wanting to get out of bed.
And even when I do nothing feels real..
Dream-like state.. 
I've spent more time looking at my walls and the duvet cover then actually reading this book.
I cant focus or concentrate which is making things harder..
I'm feeling tempted to follow through with my plans whilst I still have to energy to do them - but then when I actually consider how I am, I can't decide if the moment has passed already.
I'm hurting so much, I wish someone could just wrap me in a hug and make me feel safe again. :(
Flashbacks. Nightmares. Intrusive thoughts.. 
The world is too bright and too loud in different ways.. hiding away from the world just doesn't seem to be working though. 

Update.. [poss trig]

** Just as an extra note! I'm so sorry I'm not posting very frequently at the moment. Things are struggling and I'd hate to sound like I'm complaining all the time and my concentration levels are shit right now**




The funeral has been and gone now. It was horrible, but not in the ways I'd thought about and tried to prepare for.. I will never forget the sound of the roses hitting the coffin after it'd been lowered into the ground. The sickness I felt when others were crying and I just couldn't myself. Feeling selfish, evil. I couldn't help but think that it'd be so much better if I was with her. It still doesn't feel real. I'm still waiting for her call asking when I'll next be going to see her..

The flashbacks are bad. They are on and off causing problems between me and my boyfriend.. obviously the physical contact between us and even just some things that he'll say can trigger me and at the moment I'm being triggered so easily.

This week is the anniversary of the first rape. I can't stop thinking about it. Crying myself to sleep just to dream of it. Wanting to hurt myself so much, all the time.. but knowing that it wont help and trying it anyway.. Specifically this is the worst month of my life.. Most of the 'firsts' would happen roughly April being the big stand off because it's just before my birthday.

I'm making plans, trying to keep busy, keep my mind off of everything.. Shopping Friday, time with my little sister on Monday.. shopping again on my birthday, Thorpe Park on the 16th May.. There will be various things in between but I needed big things to focus on. I'm hoping I can just look at things as until the next 'big' focus I have and work through like that..

I have been accepted into college but as pleased as I am for that I can't help but see it as a positive for something I'd achieved before I'd died. Something I'd not had a chance to fuck up.

I'm fairly 50/50 for suicide. Some days.. or more at night I am alot more like 70-80/20 but even on the better days where the flashbacks are bearable and I have okay times with people I care about it's still there, in my mind, haunting me.. In some ways I keep thinking maybe if I just got through the 'bad' part of the year then my plans would be more likely to succeed because it would be less suspected, but then on the other hand if I can get through the bad part of the year I want to live and enjoy everything that I haven't been able to whilst I'm struggling..

Basically. My mind is a mess. Should I or shouldn't I. Will I or won't I. My biggest fear is that I wont make a decision. That I'll just react to a particularly bad flashback or bad dream.. I scared of when losing my Nan becomes real. I'm scared of losing all my reasons to keep fighting.. 


Self-harming is becoming so much more frequent.. That bothers me too with the weather becoming so much better now.. :/ Please, god, kill me now.

Nan's Funeral.

On Friday I had my Nan's funeral. 
We had the service at her local church, although that felt all wrong.. I know that she believed in heaven [she always told me that she just knew her Mum was up there waiting for her inside the golden gates] but the extra religious shit they come out with was unbelievable and just made it so unlike Nan that it felt even less real.. I never heard my Nan mention God, Jesus or any of the like and it felt so wrong to make her ending stick with that. [Side note - no offence to anyone who does believe. This is just my opinion] Then we travelled to the cemetery where she was to be buried and did the final goodbyes, finishing -usually I expect- with the ashes to ashes, dust to dust bit.
It doesn't feel real. Although I am so numb maybe I wouldn't even know..  They was a bit of upset because only my eldest cousin was mentioned [out of all 13 grandchildren] and my aunt's ex-husband turned up and caused trouble. Otherwise it all went smoothly. My Nan can't be gone. She can't be dead. I can still feel you here, I still need you. Please come back.

Suicidal Thoughts.

I've spent most of the day looking for/researching types and specifics of rope. 
I can't stop thinking about it. Its something that plays in my mind. 
Stuck on replay.
Suicide.
Really feels like the best option right now..
I'm losing hope.
I feel like I'm falling.. 
I don't really know what to say..
I really don't want to be alive anymore.
But I always said I would go to Nan's funeral. 
I will do that for her, be there for her.
Then I will sort things and leave.
I'm thinking the 25th April. Would have been my Nan's birthday..
Toying with dates. 
Flashbacks. Death. Funeral. Nightmares. Stress. Anxiety. Pain. Cut. 
Maybe I should be scared, but I'm hurting too much to care..


Please. I just need to be free.

Chapel Of Rest

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging properly for a while, things feel very overwhelming at the moment and I am struggling to write..
I went to the Chapel Of Rest today; to see my Nan. I thought if I saw her this would feel real, I touched her and she is ice cold and solid like stone, this is not my Nan, at all.. and yet it still doesn't seem to be sinking in..
I dunno.. I'm scared of it 'being real' but then on the other hand I feel stupid for not being at that point yet.. 
I feel truly shit right now.. Meh.
I need a hug..


I've also refused to now have my ICD fitted.. 

Nan Tattoo: Remembrance ♥

I got my first tattoo today, one in memory of my Nan ♥

I LOVE IT!! ♥

Seriously, it didn't hurt anywhere near what I thought it would. It does hurt/ache now and is pretty 

sore but to be honest I've dealt with the same from self-harming healing times before.. I spent the whole of yesterday playing around with ideas and designs before I saw something that was similar to this on Google and made a load of changes and made it mine :) It's so my Nan though, gardening was her life and being the 'old school' chick that she was she adored red roses.. very 'typical' of course. She is my heart. Was my heart in way too many ways.. I love her so much still and I am kinda ashamed I never did this for her when she was still alive so she got to see it - I know she would have loved it like I do - .I'm going to the chapel of rest tomorrow night. I'm kinda worried.. I know logically she's dead, and gone.. but that doesn't stop me expecting a call or a visit.. more gossip from the family, going's on and usual things. I miss her but I still can't truely believe she's gone. It doesn't feel real.

Please Release Me && Let Me Go

I am pathetic.
I have just spent nearly 3 hours crying and listening to one of the songs thats to be played at my Nan's funeral..

>>> <<<<

This one.

This is so my Nan.

On YouTube there's a cover by Elvis Presley which I am pretty sure I heard her playing once when I was visiting her.. 

I miss her so much already. It seems so unfair. I know as she was ill it's not fair for me to still want her to be here with that, but I want to be selfish for now, I need her here with me. I feel lost with her gone. I've lost sight of everything.. It feels like she was the glue holding the rest of my failures together and it's only now I'm realizing just how much I've failed and how much I've failed her. I was never good enough for her and she still didn't care <3

I need her back.

Feeling Ill.

God I feel so fucking ill :( very VERY sad face!
I ate for the first time in days wondering if I was feeling ill because of not eating but apparently that wasn't the problem and now on top of feeling ill I've got fucking diarrhea aswell..
God, my body is so useless!
I feel tired, sick, headachey and I now can't stay out of the toilet.
Thanks a fucking lot.
Plus.. did this really have to occur whilst I am on my period?!
Physically I am so damn drained but I truly can't settle.
There's so much rushing around my head.
Refusing to shut up for long enough for me to drift off.

I Miss You! ♥

  

Yesterday it was a week and I still can't quite believe it, despite your illness you were always so dependably there - I know there was difficulties and disagreements about me being your 'favorite' I know you loved us all. I suppose what makes me special is that

 you chose to love me when you didn't have to. 

Is it ridiculous to cry as much as I am even though I'm still expecting/waiting on a call from someone to say they were wrong and your not gone at all..

I don't want to be without you like this. 

I want one of your hugs. 

I don't feel safe without you around. 

I have no promises to keep now.

I love you Nanny, please come back. 

Care-Co-Ordinator Appointment [CC]

Met with my CC this morning, and it was actually okay. I mean I started fairly closed down but with alot of effort I managed to be more honest about the thought's that I've been having. She has read my file - she declared it lengthy.. well I have been in the services for years.. There is going to be a change in my consultant: although as of yet we don't know who, but if I need someone she will find someone. Dr B was fairly useless anyway, so maybe I'd find someone else more helpful. I'm not sure how much of it was to do with my diagnosis, but I felt so invalidated and patronized by him. Maybe not deliberately, but I hate so much how he tried to refuse to see how I don't fit the criteria - maybe I did [although I still think something else would have fit me better and they just chose to see me being 'difficult' instead of having a lot of issues that I wasn't just going to turn around and tell them easy as pie. I have trust issues you fucking twats! I'm not just not telling you to 'test' you and I'm not trying to kill myself to 'manipulate' you in any way but actually because I am fucking hurting beyond what I can cope with. Plus, to think that I actually care enough about what you think/do to feel the need to manipulate you means you have one hell of an excessive ego] but I'm on about NOW. I don't fit the criteria and with the way you get treated when you have this diagnosis, although no-one should have to deal with it, it is something I refuse to have to deal with when it doesn't even make sense. She feels getting my sleeping better seems to be very important in helping me cope so, first I've gotta try some Nytol shit.. then when that doesn't work she'll find someone who will prescribe me proper sleeping tablets. I got the Nytol today but seriously almost threw up trying to take it - seriously awkward because I can't swallow tablets. Which after my initial optimism about sleeping better helping, I'd completely forgotten how sensitive my system still is to tablets of any kind: probably due to all my various overdoses, but yeah, I now struggle to take pretty much anything without almost or actually throwing up. Knowing that she's read my file at least means she'll have a rough idea when I mention flashbacks and nightmares.. I struggle to communicate those things clearly, so anyone I'm talking about them to needs an idea of what I'm trying to go on about otherwise we both end up frustrated by the lack of understanding. I cried. Calmed down, and then cried again. God I am so fucking pathetic. I feel like such a failure: 
I'm supposed to be okay, I'm supposed to be coping. 
I'm supposed to be the strong one.
She just kept saying "What about your sisters, and your family, with everything else that has gone on they really don't need to lose you too" Like I haven't been thinking that anyway.. I truly don't want to hurt them.. but there is also nothing I can actually do to help them. I feel so fucking helpless when it comes to them. I want to get involved and try and help but because everyone [read Dad] feels that Mum still needs to be a 'proper' part of the girls lives. Yes, fine whatever. I get that, of course I do, I don't want my Mum upset and angry or feeling like I'm taking over her place, but she is NOT able to do it. What would be the point of anyone talking to my Mum about the girls, depending on my Mum's mood you'll either get the 'low down' on how she almost died - which by the way is an excuse for everything apparently, way too much information on her being sexually abused - although so far we've managed to keep that from the girls [triggering me heavily of course] , or a lecture on how hard everything is for her and how we don't appreciate her enough. To try and talk to her about the girls is virtually impossible because for her the world revolves around her, so the bits about the girls you may end up with is how there 'horrible' to her, and behave just generally difficult for her.What is the point of me trying to take on her role in every other way when I can't actually do anything about any of it. Instead I just have to nag Dad which makes me feel guilty, and also means that the simplest things may take up to or over a month to get down, which obviously means anything I'm trying to help my sisters with by the time Dad  'gets round' to doing it have had enough and don't want to bother anymore. I've told Dad lots of times to get more help and support for the girls, and it should be a priority. I understand his work in important, but then again, I've never known him to miss any of Mum's appointments or extra needs. I can't take on the extra worries and concerns of a parent without the rights and for-say to actually do so. I still feel like suicide is the best option to be honest. It is purely my sisters keeping me here and as long as they've got support in place, I'm sure they'll do okay. Yes, it's wrong, selfish, evil of me to do this, but to be honest if I get to be selfish at any point in my life I rather it was for the very end. I can't keep living for other people. It will hurt them, I know, I feel terrible already but I just can't see any other way right now.

Confused Minds.

So fed up of not being able to make myself feel better. 

Got a date for the funeral : 1st April. 

Apparently too many people are dying at this time of year in my area.. 

So this is all going to drag out for a ridiculous amount of time. 

I don't really know if I'm going to make it that long. 

I have got to try and cope for at least that long. 

I feel bad that I'm going to be leaving my sisters after promising I'd be there 

for them when Mum was first ill. Through my mind runs all these conflicting ideas 

and wants/needs.. I don't know how to help the family knowing that I don't 

plan on being around to completely see it through.

I don't know how I'm supposed to protect the people I love: without being here

any longer then I have to be..

Self-harming is becoming too regular again. I can't decide if it's worth being

bothered about it when I should be dead soon enough.

Letting Go.

I can't do this anymore.
The memories, the pain.. losing everything I once had..
I don't have a Mum anymore. Well. Essentially anyway. And now I've lost my Nan. I have no-one to look after me, no-one who can care for me when I can't anymore, no-one I can go to when I need someone, no-one to have 'adult' advice talks with.. no-one to resolve family issues with anymore..

No-one to worry about the broken promises for now.

Evil selfish bitch! Slut! Dirty fucking whore! Deserve everything you got.. How dare you think you should be getting better than this. Your worth nothing but less. Fucking slut. Stupid fat bitch! Stupid fucking bitch. Fat. Fat Bitch. Slut. Murderer.
I just need to get the funeral out of the way..
I'm letting go
Then I can go, forget, hide forever, never worry, never think, never feel fear again;
It can all go away.

Then I will be free.

Too Much..

My Nan died yesterday, I tried to spend a good day with my boyfriend teaching him how to cook [something more than toast :)] but I ended up on and off with flashbacks all day. We tried to settle to talk this evening and more flashbacks, more tears. And finally admitted to my boyfriend about what I've been thinking about; Suicide.
It seems like a good option.
All I can think about it hurting myself.
I'm doing more harm to anyone else than good.
My sister's on her way to getting support - the other two already get support.
I'm hurting way too much now. 
I truly can't take anymore.
I think I have to, to save other people, the longer I live the more people get hurt around me.
I think I'm the one causing this - yet I still don't know how.


I've had enough.
I do deserve everything I got/get but I can't do this anymore.
There is no other way out.
I will go to the funeral, I have to at least say goodbye to my Nan properly. 
- I feel guilty that I wasn't there when she died. 

R.I.P Nanny

I received bad news today.


My Nan has died. 
3rd March 2011 at 4:45pm.


I love you so much, I'm sorry for everything!


And now I'm here, all alone in my flat. 
Having to deal with this. 


I miss you already.
I'm sorry about the broken promises. 
I wish I'd came to see you more.


Please don't leave me
Come back.
I need you.

Detached.

I feel so detached today.
Other than tired, nothing is really getting through, with how I've been feeling recently it IS a relief..
But then the way I consider 'fakeness' makes it hard for me to deal with..
[Ironically I have spent years and years pretending I am okay etc.. Yet I still can't stand fakeness]
Not that it's a choice. It is just the way it is. 
How I cope, but with a mind of it's own.
In most terms I feel like things are definitely getting harder.
It's getting harder to do simple things again. Get out of bed. Clean the flat.
Clean myself to be honest.. I'm not as bad as I know I can be with my personal hygiene 
but I know it's worse then I have been doing for a while in those terms.
Concentration is going out of the window. I can't seem to read properly anymore..
It all ends up blurring and I re-read the same lines over and over.
Getting to the end of a few pages and realizing that I haven't taken any of it in..
Frustration when I'm trying to explain myself, except on here where I can take as many hours as I need to get what I'm trying to say across, my brain feels like it's being so deliberately slow JUST to annoy me further. I know logically that makes no sense and is impossible but after quite a while doing better, it's really hurting to find myself struggling again. These ED thoughts are taking a front seat aswell. It's hard, trying to please them when I don't even have to energy to read, let alone, go for a run or something like that..The flashbacks are still bad. It's hurting me so much. Like even more then multiple kicks in the stomach every time I think about 'him' Dad's got parent's evening for my sister tomorrow; he swears that he'll talk to someone about supporting her then. [We'll see I suppose]

Broken Promises.

I hate how alone I feel. 
My sister was upset last night; so was texting me. 
I truly don't think Dad realises how much it hurts that everything always has to end with

"Make sure you tell Dad about that"

It's not that I don't want him to be part of the picture, far from it. 
It's just frustrating that I cannot do ANYTHING to help my sister myself.
It's all promises and niceties that I'll get Dad to do "..." etc and make 
him see how important this is.
Yet.
He seems unable. 
My support worker did say to me that most men are just unable to prioritize when it comes to 
physical and emotional stuff. Emotional stuff always being bottom of course.
He has 4 daughters that he is now in complete control and care of bringing up;
now is not a good time to be ignoring emotions.
I just think it looks like my parent's are still not seeing what I've been through/done to cope..
I don't want another of us to end up coping in these ways but if they keep using the 
'sweet blissful ignorance' technique that seems very likely to happen.
Problematically, he is breaking my promises's to my sister. 
I told her I'd make sure he got her help [she was extremely reluctant for ages] 
and that it would be asap [any longer and she'll try and back out of it all]
I've already had 4 conversations with her trying to back out of this and Dad seems 
to fail to realise how hard it is to keep re-convincing her that it's the best thing..
Yesterday aswell as texting my sister. I got a text from my Nan. 
First contact in I don't know.. months. I saw her at Christmas, but it was a kinda flying visit.
I haven't seen my friends in a while. And it's definitely not consistent. Plus I've only just realised
how cut off I am from my family. Other than this particular sister, I am pretty much alone. 
And unless money is needed/wanted, I am a complete last thought.

Mixed Moods && Family Pressure

Today I can't quite decide how I feel. Kinda numb, kinda in pain.. but it's like my mind is trying to keep it from me; I keep trying to look a little closer at it and it runs, changes.. Probably a really weird way to describe it, but still..I know it's probably better that I quite detached like this but I also know how much the 'unknown' bothers me, how out of control it makes me feel. Sort of like, even though I know it's bad, I need to know how bad so I can keep a proper measure of it all.
My moods getting lower and lower. It wasn't really until today and feeling this detached that I can make a bit of a overview of the time recently, and looking back over my posts.. Definitely getting lower. Struggling more, more often. It's still a couple of weeks until I see my CC but then again even then, I have no idea what she can do. It'll just be all the usual crap she says; routine, sleep, eat, etc. Relaxation blah blah blah.. I KNOW all this stuff. I am doing all of this stuff to the best I can do it for now. What I need is something else.. Reminding me of all these things I could understand if I wasn't already doing them.. I need something new, something helpful to try and get me through this. I truly don't want to get back to a point where suicide is an option; let alone the only option. If they put more effort into prevention then they wouldn't have to worry so much about 'fixing' things when they've not only fallen apart, but also all the pieces to have been smashed up and burned to the ground. On another ranty-type note; my Dad's still screwing up with the girls. Seriously. how many more times do I say this, how more often does he require being 'nagged' This shouldn't be my job but it is! Why am I the only person being left to deal with all this, why when that is the case. Do I not have an adult. Anyone else, who can look after me aswell. Why do i have to be the grown-up all the time.. I'm struggling now, and the only thing holding me together is knowing my sisters need me. So who do I go to; when I need someone?!

Pathetic!

I feel like it's ridiculous that I'm hurting so much.
I feel pathetic.
I am pathetic!
Nightmares, flashbacks and all these thoughts.
I don't wanna hurt anymore. I truly can't bare it!
Please someone, anyone, help me.
Before it's too late.

I Just Wanna Forget It.

I'm fed up with remembering.
Why can't I forget.
Let it all just get the hell away from me!
I don't want to keep remembering.
It hurts so much.
I remember most of the time anyway, 
but it is so much worse generally for this part of the year.
I'm fed up of feeling like this.
I'm fed up of being responsible.
Shouldn't we be able to choose whether we remember things or not?!?!
Like a switch; yes please let's remember that, no thank-you, don't want to remember that.
Unrealistic of course.
But that doesn't change the feeling of wanting that..

Toy Story 3

Why did no-one tell me how damn amazing this film is?!?
Watched it last night with the boyfriend :)
I think I enjoyed it more than he did but either way, 
super cute little girl in it, typically.

Binge :/

Had an idiotic binge last night/this morning, so have spent a hell of a lot of today in my bathroom with sickness and diarrhea [food induced of course]. I KNOW how fucking sensitive my stomach is when fasting and I still let my emotions get the better of me and control me enough into a binge.. I don't know how to stop feeling so sick. I know that fasting for a week and then binging for a day and then fasting, binging, fasting. Is not a good cycle.. I KNOW this. Yet I still don't seem able to keep myself from it. I hate myself enough at the moment, without what the scales are going to say on top of it all. At least when I'm fasting I felt pretty in control of it all and the weight loss gave me both achievement and motivation. Meh. Todays a shit day.

Struggling Again.

I felt pretty flat yesterday; but in a more, seriously depressed but so tired that I can't even feel it type way. It's kinda hard, thoughts of hurting myself are becoming so much more constant..This hatred I have for myself is becoming harder to control.. I feel like I am falling apart, bit by bit, day by day; memory by memory. Why do I have to have such a long seriously bad memory period.. If I knew this would only last a short while then I think it would be easier to take, to deal with.. But knowing this will be hard, for the next load of months [5ish]..  Knowing things are not going to get better for a long time and that they are going to get a whole lot harder for ages before theres any kind of improvement, does not exactly help fill me with hope. Struggling already, does definitely not help me feel like I'm going to be doing well this year.

Giant Lava Lamp ♥

Just had to declare that my giant lava lamp is amazing, 

and incredibly fun to watch!

Best Friend ♥

On a bright note. 
I should be seeing my best friend today [checks clock; yep. Today]
She seems to see fit to come around at like 7am, and when I'm still awake at nearly 1am..
I'm worried, but whatever. I rarely get to see her anymore so I'll make the most of it and
catch up on sleep when I can. Although that always seems to be in my plans, and never 
in my actual 'Do' :) I've been missing her so much, it's something I try not to think about
anymore, because like I said, seeing her is a rarity nowadays.. Sometimes I think I 
just worry that the more alone I feel, the easier it is to cut myself off from everyone
and the easier it is to then consider it "not a problem" to kill myself. 
I can sometimes quite easily forget how many people I have around me, now I'm 
older and visits and support is so much less, both in frequency and in the amount
of time that I get to spend with them. I don't know. Maybe this'll figure itself out.
I am struggling. A lot, but as bad as it sounds, I think self-harming was definitely
what I needed because I feel quite a bit more in control now. 
Hopefully we'll have a good day and it wont end up being slightly bitter over 
whatever issues we may have with each other. Although to be honest,
she's so caught up with her boyfriend, I don't think she'll notice anything amiss 
with me anyway. She doesn't really even notice me anymore. Ah. Love.
Possibly. Let's just hope for her sake, considering all she is throwing 
aside for it, this is a two-way thing and that he feel the same.

Heart Process; The Ball Is Rolling.

Finally heard from the woman I've spent a week chasing around hospitals.
She's happy I understand, and know risks, etc, blah blah blah.
She's starting the admissions process. 
He said to me at my appointment that he would try and make it asap.
But then again who know how many other people they've got to sort out aswell.
But soon.
Soon.
I will have a pacemaker. 
Well; ICD to be exact, but either way, lets hope this all works well.
I don't feel too bad about it now but then again, 
I don't yet have a date either.. so we shall see.

Fighting This Losing Battle.

I really don't think I can win this. 

The Funny thing is;

I don't think I was ever meant to.

Today I cut again. Deep.

I couldn't see another way around it, I can't feel like this, 

feeling like this triggers the memories and the memories trigger the feelings. 

I can't win. 

This is a lose:lose situation that will always be one to him and nil to me.

I'm falling so fast this time, I don't know how to stop this, 

how to change it, how to manage this. 

I'm alone, just as alone as I was whilst it was all happening.

And I'm dealing with this alone, just like I did at the time. 

I don't want to hurt anyone.

How come things screw up just as I sort things out with the family?

I love my sisters more than anything, it scares me that if I do anything

then maybe he would manage somehow to get access to them.

There'd be a way of him going back on his word, 

without me here, to ensure he doesn't.

It's harder to keep him from my mind every day.

The more I think of him, the more the memories,

the more the worry, the stress, the fear.

He's at Uni now, and even though that is not exactly far

it is a hell of a lot further away then before.

I am able to go to my parent's house without completely 

freaking out.. Well. Sort of.

I think this is all just showing me just how alone I am. 

As long as before I die, I get a few things sorted.

Couple of tasks to complete first.

I was always meant to lose. 

I know that now.

Sleep.. Or Lack Thereof.

I am soo tired. The only problem is by the evening/nights I’m so over tired that I end up slightly energetic; well no, maybe more hyper than anything. You know with some little kids when they get over tired they start running around and being a bit difficult and actually seem completely unable to stop themselves. Well that’s me to the T. I am trying to sleep, trying to settle and I seriously just can’t, I’m keeping a better routine than I ever have before, I’m trying to avoid all napping during the day to avoid that issue, but seriously, it just still doesn’t happen. I’m dissociating A LOT at the moment, and I was wondering if being so tired was making this worse? Probably, I knew my sleep was going to mess up, time of year, memories, and my sleep is always the first thing to go. For me, that’s just how it is, so it was EXPECTED that I would have problems sleeping, but not this bad this fast and I wasn’t expecting that I would be getting no relief at all. Dissociation is being so wide and varied at the moment, which is different to how it normally works for me, normally; I mainly have one type of dissociation for a while and then it kinda moves on, or steps up. I am having a lot of lost time, but any time I am here I feel completely cut off, emotionally, physically sometimes feeling completely unreal. Everyone keeps telling me I seem very ‘guarded’ I can understand why it’s happening now, the memories are pretty bad, worse than they normally are by this point in the year. What bothers me the most I think is the lack of control for it all. When all this began, I CHOSE to ‘leave my mind’ to cope, whereas as things got worse, and as I’ve gotten older it seems completely out of my control, and I’m losing and missing out on things I really don’t want to do, and remembering more and more.I think those are what hurts the most, I’ve spent so long trying to convince myself that I was overreacting and that really I had nothing much to complain about, but the more I remember the harder it is for me to keep reminding myself of this. It's so much harder to make it all make sense, it's so much harder to make it feel like it's not my fault; I realise maybe that doesn't make sense, but for me, to do those things to someone they must have done something really bad to you. So it is my fault, I must have done some terrible things to deserve this. Also, does anyone know how to switch the repressed memories off? Seriously I have enough memories to deal with right now without more on top. Plus, my support keeps getting cancelled. I really don't know how much longer I can keep a lid on this, and it scares me to know that this is only going to get worse. 

Shit Day

Felt totally, totally shit today. 

Went to the cinema with my boyfriend. 

Managed not to freak out despite it being pretty 

busy and train delays and things.

Flashbacks, Daymares, and feeling so god damn out of control..

I really wanted to cut, but managed not too..

I ate instead, so once again ruined it at 6 days.. 

but I don't think I realized how much harder it'd be 

to do whilst my sleep is still so screwed. Not that that 

means i'm going to stop. Back again from tomorrow, 

or looking at the time, today.

I don't think I have anything else to say.

Life is definitely continuing to go 

further and further downhill.

Today Is Yet Another Day.

I don't really feel very with it today, very dissociated, which is obviously annoying and inconvenient. I have quite a few periods throughout the day that I don't remember.. I felt really 'dreamy' when I was with my boyfriend tonight although he said he felt I was very disconnected and 'guarded' tonight. I don’t know, I know that the memories are seriously getting to me, I KNOW that. I’m just not sure how to try and help it.. I can almost watch my mood getting lower, my tolerances getting lower and the dissociation and thoughts of hurting myself getting so much worse. I basically feel like shit today. Although. On a good note, I have completed my 5th day fasting {looking at the time} So onto the 6th I say [ At least I've got control over something in this fucked up bit of my life.

Troubles.

I've been feeling pretty crap today, low, tired, wanting to cry {thankfully 
haven't cried in front of anyone today!} This is the 4^th day of my latest 
fast, seeing as I keep fucking up.. plus I don’t like to fast when I’m on 
my period because that makes me feel INCREDIBLY ill so I didn't 
exactly consider it worth it. I'm hoping to do between 28 and 30 days 
fast this time.. I KNOW I can do it, I've done it so many times before, 
but starting up always seems to be the hardest part. {I am aware this 
will mean fasting during my period but I'll figure something around that 
once I get to it. Had an appointment last Friday {11th} with my 
Care-Co-Ordinator. It seems to have already got around the CMHT that 
I am 'dating' as she calls it. I will post properly about this soon! Meh, 
I truly worry about this bout am trying so hard not too, I've got so 
much on my mind already, I can't really do this anymore, so I'm having 
to resort back to all my older ways of coping. I still cant sleep. It's 
making me feel even worse, although I'm aware that I am probably only 
missing out on extra nightmares.