Heart Appointment - 20/1/11

So, big appointment of the week.

Met up with Dr B - my specialist doctor for my heart 'crap' yesterday and he's concerned..My heart is a mess; it's too thick, apparently all over rather then just the septum - which is a problem in itself and my blood pressure is screwed because it's not able to respond to anything properly [exertion or rest] so hence, fainting or near fainting spells. Rythmn is bad, but not the biggest concern although it could be making the others worse.. Ah. He wants me to have a pacemaker. An ICD to be more specific. I have decisions to make, options to consider and to be honest, I just feel completely overwhelmed. As unlikely as it would have been I was seriously hoping I'd go in and he'd tell me it was all a big mistake, there's not a problem/not as bigger problem as they first thought.. Meh.. stressful times indeed. Maybe it's avoidance, I don't know, I expect so though, I also am considering delaying the next 'steps' because I know the longer I take to make decisions, the further away all the BIG steps will be.. It's basically once I've made the decisions then it'll just be a matter of meeting and checking again, and then organising the op. To be honest. Just getting to, being at and STAYING at this appointment was hell. I freaked out for a while before, but more lower level anxiety getting worse as it got closer.. by 11:30am on Friday morning I was a wreck.. a complete and utter mess and falling apart and crying, generally not wanting to go to my appointment. Ended up going in the end, had a test done, waited a while - this time not being too bad because the waiting room was fairly empty - I got called in and talked a little to him, he spoke about concerns, and asked if I'd do another test for him, he went and spoke to someone who took me in straight away and did it then, finished with all that and went back to the waiting room - this time a lot harder because it was packed; seriously busy. Thankfully he only saw one other person before he called me back in to tell me the good news. [sarcasm] Oh joy, a pacemaker, I've always wanted one of them.. Huff. Madness, it all feels unfair, shouldn't I not have to think about these kinda things until I'm like 50/60 years old.. The whole thing of course being made worse by the fact I spent a good load of time that day half naked with men.. Damn. But I'm scared. Of thinking about it. Of making the wrong choice. Of choosing AT ALL. It's all whirling around my head, a massively big, overwhelming mess.

Numb

Recently I've been feeling horrendously numb.. not exactly noted by myself until I got my news on Wednesday and my support worker telling me I seemed far too calm and collected and [for me] highly reasonable over such an important scary thing.
Now I'm only now actually aware that I'm numb now, I as a general thing, try and ignore and refuse to feel my emotions anyway because dealing with them and having to feel them I think would kill me so maybe that's why I didn't notice, I am normally extremely insightful and self-aware..

So. I have to go to a hospital, and talk nicely and sensibily to doctors about my 'high risk' and chances of dropping dead any minute.. yeah, fun conversation for anyone..

I'm not sure how I feel about it, truely. When I first got the letter and was waiting for my support worker to get off the phone I was scared and I can distinctly remember shaking.. but since then, nothing.. I was feeling quite numb this week anyway, but I think that's been due to lack of food. Possibly.. I don't know.. It's Friday now, and I shall be eating for the first time since last Saturday..

I suppose once having it pointed out to me, I am pretty weirded out by my reactions. They ARE right, 

I don't do calm and collected when it comes to doctors and hospitals, and am mostly distinctly unreasonable through fear over little things, let alone this kinda thing which is likely to mean everything I hate - a hospital stay, doctors, operation, being constantly monitered.. plus extremely regular appointments and check-ups afterwards to make sure everything's continuing to go smoothly I suppose.

Now, this has never been something I could cope with, I have asthma, and since I was told and collected my first inhalers I've never gone back, your supposed to go to clinics and things, have it monitered.. but I never have and never felt able too. I'd been skipping further tests in regards to my heart within the last 9 months also, due to this fear, and the fact that I didn't want there to be anything wrong so maybe felt unconsicously if they couldn't get enough information together then they wouldn't be able to do anything.

Except they managed, they can and they did. Avoidance is a big strategy I use to cope in a variety of ways and as much as I can see how unhelpful it obviously is being, I feel so unable to let it go.

I'm seriously considering cancelling my appointment. I'm worried I'm gonna get there and completely freak out. I'm worried there going to tell me things I don't want to hear. I scared that I'll be in trouble for skipping appointments.. I do want them to help my heart out because if I die it is going to be my damn choice.. but in so many ways it feels so much easier/better/safer to just bury my head in the sand and hope it all goes away.