Suicidal Thoughts.

I've spent most of the day looking for/researching types and specifics of rope. 
I can't stop thinking about it. Its something that plays in my mind. 
Stuck on replay.
Suicide.
Really feels like the best option right now..
I'm losing hope.
I feel like I'm falling.. 
I don't really know what to say..
I really don't want to be alive anymore.
But I always said I would go to Nan's funeral. 
I will do that for her, be there for her.
Then I will sort things and leave.
I'm thinking the 25th April. Would have been my Nan's birthday..
Toying with dates. 
Flashbacks. Death. Funeral. Nightmares. Stress. Anxiety. Pain. Cut. 
Maybe I should be scared, but I'm hurting too much to care..


Please. I just need to be free.

Chapel Of Rest

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging properly for a while, things feel very overwhelming at the moment and I am struggling to write..
I went to the Chapel Of Rest today; to see my Nan. I thought if I saw her this would feel real, I touched her and she is ice cold and solid like stone, this is not my Nan, at all.. and yet it still doesn't seem to be sinking in..
I dunno.. I'm scared of it 'being real' but then on the other hand I feel stupid for not being at that point yet.. 
I feel truly shit right now.. Meh.
I need a hug..


I've also refused to now have my ICD fitted..