Best Friend ♥

On a bright note. 
I should be seeing my best friend today [checks clock; yep. Today]
She seems to see fit to come around at like 7am, and when I'm still awake at nearly 1am..
I'm worried, but whatever. I rarely get to see her anymore so I'll make the most of it and
catch up on sleep when I can. Although that always seems to be in my plans, and never 
in my actual 'Do' :) I've been missing her so much, it's something I try not to think about
anymore, because like I said, seeing her is a rarity nowadays.. Sometimes I think I 
just worry that the more alone I feel, the easier it is to cut myself off from everyone
and the easier it is to then consider it "not a problem" to kill myself. 
I can sometimes quite easily forget how many people I have around me, now I'm 
older and visits and support is so much less, both in frequency and in the amount
of time that I get to spend with them. I don't know. Maybe this'll figure itself out.
I am struggling. A lot, but as bad as it sounds, I think self-harming was definitely
what I needed because I feel quite a bit more in control now. 
Hopefully we'll have a good day and it wont end up being slightly bitter over 
whatever issues we may have with each other. Although to be honest,
she's so caught up with her boyfriend, I don't think she'll notice anything amiss 
with me anyway. She doesn't really even notice me anymore. Ah. Love.
Possibly. Let's just hope for her sake, considering all she is throwing 
aside for it, this is a two-way thing and that he feel the same.

Heart Process; The Ball Is Rolling.

Finally heard from the woman I've spent a week chasing around hospitals.
She's happy I understand, and know risks, etc, blah blah blah.
She's starting the admissions process. 
He said to me at my appointment that he would try and make it asap.
But then again who know how many other people they've got to sort out aswell.
But soon.
Soon.
I will have a pacemaker. 
Well; ICD to be exact, but either way, lets hope this all works well.
I don't feel too bad about it now but then again, 
I don't yet have a date either.. so we shall see.

Fighting This Losing Battle.

I really don't think I can win this. 

The Funny thing is;

I don't think I was ever meant to.

Today I cut again. Deep.

I couldn't see another way around it, I can't feel like this, 

feeling like this triggers the memories and the memories trigger the feelings. 

I can't win. 

This is a lose:lose situation that will always be one to him and nil to me.

I'm falling so fast this time, I don't know how to stop this, 

how to change it, how to manage this. 

I'm alone, just as alone as I was whilst it was all happening.

And I'm dealing with this alone, just like I did at the time. 

I don't want to hurt anyone.

How come things screw up just as I sort things out with the family?

I love my sisters more than anything, it scares me that if I do anything

then maybe he would manage somehow to get access to them.

There'd be a way of him going back on his word, 

without me here, to ensure he doesn't.

It's harder to keep him from my mind every day.

The more I think of him, the more the memories,

the more the worry, the stress, the fear.

He's at Uni now, and even though that is not exactly far

it is a hell of a lot further away then before.

I am able to go to my parent's house without completely 

freaking out.. Well. Sort of.

I think this is all just showing me just how alone I am. 

As long as before I die, I get a few things sorted.

Couple of tasks to complete first.

I was always meant to lose. 

I know that now.

Sleep.. Or Lack Thereof.

I am soo tired. The only problem is by the evening/nights I’m so over tired that I end up slightly energetic; well no, maybe more hyper than anything. You know with some little kids when they get over tired they start running around and being a bit difficult and actually seem completely unable to stop themselves. Well that’s me to the T. I am trying to sleep, trying to settle and I seriously just can’t, I’m keeping a better routine than I ever have before, I’m trying to avoid all napping during the day to avoid that issue, but seriously, it just still doesn’t happen. I’m dissociating A LOT at the moment, and I was wondering if being so tired was making this worse? Probably, I knew my sleep was going to mess up, time of year, memories, and my sleep is always the first thing to go. For me, that’s just how it is, so it was EXPECTED that I would have problems sleeping, but not this bad this fast and I wasn’t expecting that I would be getting no relief at all. Dissociation is being so wide and varied at the moment, which is different to how it normally works for me, normally; I mainly have one type of dissociation for a while and then it kinda moves on, or steps up. I am having a lot of lost time, but any time I am here I feel completely cut off, emotionally, physically sometimes feeling completely unreal. Everyone keeps telling me I seem very ‘guarded’ I can understand why it’s happening now, the memories are pretty bad, worse than they normally are by this point in the year. What bothers me the most I think is the lack of control for it all. When all this began, I CHOSE to ‘leave my mind’ to cope, whereas as things got worse, and as I’ve gotten older it seems completely out of my control, and I’m losing and missing out on things I really don’t want to do, and remembering more and more.I think those are what hurts the most, I’ve spent so long trying to convince myself that I was overreacting and that really I had nothing much to complain about, but the more I remember the harder it is for me to keep reminding myself of this. It's so much harder to make it all make sense, it's so much harder to make it feel like it's not my fault; I realise maybe that doesn't make sense, but for me, to do those things to someone they must have done something really bad to you. So it is my fault, I must have done some terrible things to deserve this. Also, does anyone know how to switch the repressed memories off? Seriously I have enough memories to deal with right now without more on top. Plus, my support keeps getting cancelled. I really don't know how much longer I can keep a lid on this, and it scares me to know that this is only going to get worse. 

Shit Day

Felt totally, totally shit today. 

Went to the cinema with my boyfriend. 

Managed not to freak out despite it being pretty 

busy and train delays and things.

Flashbacks, Daymares, and feeling so god damn out of control..

I really wanted to cut, but managed not too..

I ate instead, so once again ruined it at 6 days.. 

but I don't think I realized how much harder it'd be 

to do whilst my sleep is still so screwed. Not that that 

means i'm going to stop. Back again from tomorrow, 

or looking at the time, today.

I don't think I have anything else to say.

Life is definitely continuing to go 

further and further downhill.

Today Is Yet Another Day.

I don't really feel very with it today, very dissociated, which is obviously annoying and inconvenient. I have quite a few periods throughout the day that I don't remember.. I felt really 'dreamy' when I was with my boyfriend tonight although he said he felt I was very disconnected and 'guarded' tonight. I don’t know, I know that the memories are seriously getting to me, I KNOW that. I’m just not sure how to try and help it.. I can almost watch my mood getting lower, my tolerances getting lower and the dissociation and thoughts of hurting myself getting so much worse. I basically feel like shit today. Although. On a good note, I have completed my 5th day fasting {looking at the time} So onto the 6th I say [ At least I've got control over something in this fucked up bit of my life.

Troubles.

I've been feeling pretty crap today, low, tired, wanting to cry {thankfully 
haven't cried in front of anyone today!} This is the 4^th day of my latest 
fast, seeing as I keep fucking up.. plus I don’t like to fast when I’m on 
my period because that makes me feel INCREDIBLY ill so I didn't 
exactly consider it worth it. I'm hoping to do between 28 and 30 days 
fast this time.. I KNOW I can do it, I've done it so many times before, 
but starting up always seems to be the hardest part. {I am aware this 
will mean fasting during my period but I'll figure something around that 
once I get to it. Had an appointment last Friday {11th} with my 
Care-Co-Ordinator. It seems to have already got around the CMHT that 
I am 'dating' as she calls it. I will post properly about this soon! Meh, 
I truly worry about this bout am trying so hard not too, I've got so 
much on my mind already, I can't really do this anymore, so I'm having 
to resort back to all my older ways of coping. I still cant sleep. It's 
making me feel even worse, although I'm aware that I am probably only 
missing out on extra nightmares. 

Valentines Dilemma

Surely it’s not just me that struggling to write in my boyfriend’s Valentine’s Day card? Meh.. I’m so damn confused.. more than anything because I don’t want to embarrass him or anything and I know what other people are like for looking at all his stuff.. Sometimes I truly just feel like maybe I should do all the basics in the card and write a note he can keep separate? 

What do you think?