Update.. [poss trig]

** Just as an extra note! I'm so sorry I'm not posting very frequently at the moment. Things are struggling and I'd hate to sound like I'm complaining all the time and my concentration levels are shit right now**




The funeral has been and gone now. It was horrible, but not in the ways I'd thought about and tried to prepare for.. I will never forget the sound of the roses hitting the coffin after it'd been lowered into the ground. The sickness I felt when others were crying and I just couldn't myself. Feeling selfish, evil. I couldn't help but think that it'd be so much better if I was with her. It still doesn't feel real. I'm still waiting for her call asking when I'll next be going to see her..

The flashbacks are bad. They are on and off causing problems between me and my boyfriend.. obviously the physical contact between us and even just some things that he'll say can trigger me and at the moment I'm being triggered so easily.

This week is the anniversary of the first rape. I can't stop thinking about it. Crying myself to sleep just to dream of it. Wanting to hurt myself so much, all the time.. but knowing that it wont help and trying it anyway.. Specifically this is the worst month of my life.. Most of the 'firsts' would happen roughly April being the big stand off because it's just before my birthday.

I'm making plans, trying to keep busy, keep my mind off of everything.. Shopping Friday, time with my little sister on Monday.. shopping again on my birthday, Thorpe Park on the 16th May.. There will be various things in between but I needed big things to focus on. I'm hoping I can just look at things as until the next 'big' focus I have and work through like that..

I have been accepted into college but as pleased as I am for that I can't help but see it as a positive for something I'd achieved before I'd died. Something I'd not had a chance to fuck up.

I'm fairly 50/50 for suicide. Some days.. or more at night I am alot more like 70-80/20 but even on the better days where the flashbacks are bearable and I have okay times with people I care about it's still there, in my mind, haunting me.. In some ways I keep thinking maybe if I just got through the 'bad' part of the year then my plans would be more likely to succeed because it would be less suspected, but then on the other hand if I can get through the bad part of the year I want to live and enjoy everything that I haven't been able to whilst I'm struggling..

Basically. My mind is a mess. Should I or shouldn't I. Will I or won't I. My biggest fear is that I wont make a decision. That I'll just react to a particularly bad flashback or bad dream.. I scared of when losing my Nan becomes real. I'm scared of losing all my reasons to keep fighting.. 


Self-harming is becoming so much more frequent.. That bothers me too with the weather becoming so much better now.. :/ Please, god, kill me now.

Nan's Funeral.

On Friday I had my Nan's funeral. 
We had the service at her local church, although that felt all wrong.. I know that she believed in heaven [she always told me that she just knew her Mum was up there waiting for her inside the golden gates] but the extra religious shit they come out with was unbelievable and just made it so unlike Nan that it felt even less real.. I never heard my Nan mention God, Jesus or any of the like and it felt so wrong to make her ending stick with that. [Side note - no offence to anyone who does believe. This is just my opinion] Then we travelled to the cemetery where she was to be buried and did the final goodbyes, finishing -usually I expect- with the ashes to ashes, dust to dust bit.
It doesn't feel real. Although I am so numb maybe I wouldn't even know..  They was a bit of upset because only my eldest cousin was mentioned [out of all 13 grandchildren] and my aunt's ex-husband turned up and caused trouble. Otherwise it all went smoothly. My Nan can't be gone. She can't be dead. I can still feel you here, I still need you. Please come back.

Chapel Of Rest

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging properly for a while, things feel very overwhelming at the moment and I am struggling to write..
I went to the Chapel Of Rest today; to see my Nan. I thought if I saw her this would feel real, I touched her and she is ice cold and solid like stone, this is not my Nan, at all.. and yet it still doesn't seem to be sinking in..
I dunno.. I'm scared of it 'being real' but then on the other hand I feel stupid for not being at that point yet.. 
I feel truly shit right now.. Meh.
I need a hug..


I've also refused to now have my ICD fitted.. 

Nan Tattoo: Remembrance ♥

I got my first tattoo today, one in memory of my Nan ♥

I LOVE IT!! ♥

Seriously, it didn't hurt anywhere near what I thought it would. It does hurt/ache now and is pretty 

sore but to be honest I've dealt with the same from self-harming healing times before.. I spent the whole of yesterday playing around with ideas and designs before I saw something that was similar to this on Google and made a load of changes and made it mine :) It's so my Nan though, gardening was her life and being the 'old school' chick that she was she adored red roses.. very 'typical' of course. She is my heart. Was my heart in way too many ways.. I love her so much still and I am kinda ashamed I never did this for her when she was still alive so she got to see it - I know she would have loved it like I do - .I'm going to the chapel of rest tomorrow night. I'm kinda worried.. I know logically she's dead, and gone.. but that doesn't stop me expecting a call or a visit.. more gossip from the family, going's on and usual things. I miss her but I still can't truely believe she's gone. It doesn't feel real.

Please Release Me && Let Me Go

I am pathetic.
I have just spent nearly 3 hours crying and listening to one of the songs thats to be played at my Nan's funeral..

>>> <<<<

This one.

This is so my Nan.

On YouTube there's a cover by Elvis Presley which I am pretty sure I heard her playing once when I was visiting her.. 

I miss her so much already. It seems so unfair. I know as she was ill it's not fair for me to still want her to be here with that, but I want to be selfish for now, I need her here with me. I feel lost with her gone. I've lost sight of everything.. It feels like she was the glue holding the rest of my failures together and it's only now I'm realizing just how much I've failed and how much I've failed her. I was never good enough for her and she still didn't care <3

I need her back.

I Miss You! ♥

  

Yesterday it was a week and I still can't quite believe it, despite your illness you were always so dependably there - I know there was difficulties and disagreements about me being your 'favorite' I know you loved us all. I suppose what makes me special is that

 you chose to love me when you didn't have to. 

Is it ridiculous to cry as much as I am even though I'm still expecting/waiting on a call from someone to say they were wrong and your not gone at all..

I don't want to be without you like this. 

I want one of your hugs. 

I don't feel safe without you around. 

I have no promises to keep now.

I love you Nanny, please come back. 

Confused Minds.

So fed up of not being able to make myself feel better. 

Got a date for the funeral : 1st April. 

Apparently too many people are dying at this time of year in my area.. 

So this is all going to drag out for a ridiculous amount of time. 

I don't really know if I'm going to make it that long. 

I have got to try and cope for at least that long. 

I feel bad that I'm going to be leaving my sisters after promising I'd be there 

for them when Mum was first ill. Through my mind runs all these conflicting ideas 

and wants/needs.. I don't know how to help the family knowing that I don't 

plan on being around to completely see it through.

I don't know how I'm supposed to protect the people I love: without being here

any longer then I have to be..

Self-harming is becoming too regular again. I can't decide if it's worth being

bothered about it when I should be dead soon enough.

Too Much..

My Nan died yesterday, I tried to spend a good day with my boyfriend teaching him how to cook [something more than toast :)] but I ended up on and off with flashbacks all day. We tried to settle to talk this evening and more flashbacks, more tears. And finally admitted to my boyfriend about what I've been thinking about; Suicide.
It seems like a good option.
All I can think about it hurting myself.
I'm doing more harm to anyone else than good.
My sister's on her way to getting support - the other two already get support.
I'm hurting way too much now. 
I truly can't take anymore.
I think I have to, to save other people, the longer I live the more people get hurt around me.
I think I'm the one causing this - yet I still don't know how.


I've had enough.
I do deserve everything I got/get but I can't do this anymore.
There is no other way out.
I will go to the funeral, I have to at least say goodbye to my Nan properly. 
- I feel guilty that I wasn't there when she died. 

R.I.P Nanny

I received bad news today.


My Nan has died. 
3rd March 2011 at 4:45pm.


I love you so much, I'm sorry for everything!


And now I'm here, all alone in my flat. 
Having to deal with this. 


I miss you already.
I'm sorry about the broken promises. 
I wish I'd came to see you more.


Please don't leave me
Come back.
I need you.

Feeling A Mess

 

I am hurting so much right now.. I can't even describe it.. 

It doesn't  seem real that I can feel like this; again. 

 

I feel so trapped, a bubble inside of me is refusing to burst. 

I'm trying to contain everything but at the same time,  

needing to appear completely fine to everyone else.

I can't stop thinking about cutting, or self-harm in general; 

overdosing, burning, hitting things, hitting myself.. Intrusively intense. 

The thoughts just will NOT leave my mind, constantly there,

thoughts, feelings, ideas and plans.. I feel so bad, I feel alone, 

I am scared!

I'm not eating, fasting if you like, controlling, enjoying the pain of 

hunger in some ways, fearing it in others.. feeling dizzy, light-headed 

and head-achey already, but I won't give in. I can't let go of this; 

My only lifeline. I lost 4 pounds during yesterday I found out this 

morning.. I can do this, I need to do this.

 Everything's that happened with him in stuck in my mind. 

On replay. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and nightmares.

Memories, painful, painful memories, all I can think is 

that I'm a SLUT. I know it, and everyone else knew it.

J knew it.. I know it's MY fault, I'm willing to take the blame,

I just need it to stop hurting me so much..

 

BUT I can't talk about it, I can't tell anyone. I can't ruin my silence.

It's the only thing holding me together - despite ripping me apart.

I don't have the strength to go through it all, to admit to it all..

Plus I need everyone to think I'm okay, that everythings fine, all

wonderful and dandy..

The word. Hurts so much, everyone says that it's a 'horrible

word for a horrible act' but it hurts, having people tell me

that I was raped, saying that word.. it's triggering, 

it's easier to not mention it.. I know I would say different

to anyone else who was in the same position but I just

don't wanna hear it.. I'm hurting too much right now..

 Suicide. It feels like the only way out. 

I don't want to hurt anymore, cry anymore,

cut anymore.. think and remember anymore.

But I always will whilst alive. 

I can't do this anymore.

Once I reach my goal weight.

I shall go.

I need to have this success before I leave,

so I'm not a complete failure.

Numb

Recently I've been feeling horrendously numb.. not exactly noted by myself until I got my news on Wednesday and my support worker telling me I seemed far too calm and collected and [for me] highly reasonable over such an important scary thing.
Now I'm only now actually aware that I'm numb now, I as a general thing, try and ignore and refuse to feel my emotions anyway because dealing with them and having to feel them I think would kill me so maybe that's why I didn't notice, I am normally extremely insightful and self-aware..

So. I have to go to a hospital, and talk nicely and sensibily to doctors about my 'high risk' and chances of dropping dead any minute.. yeah, fun conversation for anyone..

I'm not sure how I feel about it, truely. When I first got the letter and was waiting for my support worker to get off the phone I was scared and I can distinctly remember shaking.. but since then, nothing.. I was feeling quite numb this week anyway, but I think that's been due to lack of food. Possibly.. I don't know.. It's Friday now, and I shall be eating for the first time since last Saturday..

I suppose once having it pointed out to me, I am pretty weirded out by my reactions. They ARE right, 

I don't do calm and collected when it comes to doctors and hospitals, and am mostly distinctly unreasonable through fear over little things, let alone this kinda thing which is likely to mean everything I hate - a hospital stay, doctors, operation, being constantly monitered.. plus extremely regular appointments and check-ups afterwards to make sure everything's continuing to go smoothly I suppose.

Now, this has never been something I could cope with, I have asthma, and since I was told and collected my first inhalers I've never gone back, your supposed to go to clinics and things, have it monitered.. but I never have and never felt able too. I'd been skipping further tests in regards to my heart within the last 9 months also, due to this fear, and the fact that I didn't want there to be anything wrong so maybe felt unconsicously if they couldn't get enough information together then they wouldn't be able to do anything.

Except they managed, they can and they did. Avoidance is a big strategy I use to cope in a variety of ways and as much as I can see how unhelpful it obviously is being, I feel so unable to let it go.

I'm seriously considering cancelling my appointment. I'm worried I'm gonna get there and completely freak out. I'm worried there going to tell me things I don't want to hear. I scared that I'll be in trouble for skipping appointments.. I do want them to help my heart out because if I die it is going to be my damn choice.. but in so many ways it feels so much easier/better/safer to just bury my head in the sand and hope it all goes away.