Broken Promises.

I hate how alone I feel. 
My sister was upset last night; so was texting me. 
I truly don't think Dad realises how much it hurts that everything always has to end with

"Make sure you tell Dad about that"

It's not that I don't want him to be part of the picture, far from it. 
It's just frustrating that I cannot do ANYTHING to help my sister myself.
It's all promises and niceties that I'll get Dad to do "..." etc and make 
him see how important this is.
Yet.
He seems unable. 
My support worker did say to me that most men are just unable to prioritize when it comes to 
physical and emotional stuff. Emotional stuff always being bottom of course.
He has 4 daughters that he is now in complete control and care of bringing up;
now is not a good time to be ignoring emotions.
I just think it looks like my parent's are still not seeing what I've been through/done to cope..
I don't want another of us to end up coping in these ways but if they keep using the 
'sweet blissful ignorance' technique that seems very likely to happen.
Problematically, he is breaking my promises's to my sister. 
I told her I'd make sure he got her help [she was extremely reluctant for ages] 
and that it would be asap [any longer and she'll try and back out of it all]
I've already had 4 conversations with her trying to back out of this and Dad seems 
to fail to realise how hard it is to keep re-convincing her that it's the best thing..
Yesterday aswell as texting my sister. I got a text from my Nan. 
First contact in I don't know.. months. I saw her at Christmas, but it was a kinda flying visit.
I haven't seen my friends in a while. And it's definitely not consistent. Plus I've only just realised
how cut off I am from my family. Other than this particular sister, I am pretty much alone. 
And unless money is needed/wanted, I am a complete last thought.

Feeling A Mess

 

I am hurting so much right now.. I can't even describe it.. 

It doesn't  seem real that I can feel like this; again. 

 

I feel so trapped, a bubble inside of me is refusing to burst. 

I'm trying to contain everything but at the same time,  

needing to appear completely fine to everyone else.

I can't stop thinking about cutting, or self-harm in general; 

overdosing, burning, hitting things, hitting myself.. Intrusively intense. 

The thoughts just will NOT leave my mind, constantly there,

thoughts, feelings, ideas and plans.. I feel so bad, I feel alone, 

I am scared!

I'm not eating, fasting if you like, controlling, enjoying the pain of 

hunger in some ways, fearing it in others.. feeling dizzy, light-headed 

and head-achey already, but I won't give in. I can't let go of this; 

My only lifeline. I lost 4 pounds during yesterday I found out this 

morning.. I can do this, I need to do this.

 Everything's that happened with him in stuck in my mind. 

On replay. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and nightmares.

Memories, painful, painful memories, all I can think is 

that I'm a SLUT. I know it, and everyone else knew it.

J knew it.. I know it's MY fault, I'm willing to take the blame,

I just need it to stop hurting me so much..

 

BUT I can't talk about it, I can't tell anyone. I can't ruin my silence.

It's the only thing holding me together - despite ripping me apart.

I don't have the strength to go through it all, to admit to it all..

Plus I need everyone to think I'm okay, that everythings fine, all

wonderful and dandy..

The word. Hurts so much, everyone says that it's a 'horrible

word for a horrible act' but it hurts, having people tell me

that I was raped, saying that word.. it's triggering, 

it's easier to not mention it.. I know I would say different

to anyone else who was in the same position but I just

don't wanna hear it.. I'm hurting too much right now..

 Suicide. It feels like the only way out. 

I don't want to hurt anymore, cry anymore,

cut anymore.. think and remember anymore.

But I always will whilst alive. 

I can't do this anymore.

Once I reach my goal weight.

I shall go.

I need to have this success before I leave,

so I'm not a complete failure.

Care Co-Ordinator Appointment

She actually asked what I was having flashbacks about.. 

I assumed she meant which memories were causing the biggest problems.. 

but no, she confessed to having not even read my file! 

She doesn't know, she doesn't know anything.. 

How is she supposed to help me when she doesn't know why I'm hurting so much!? 

I can't do this alone. I just cant.
But every day, life proves to me, just how alone I am.
Would it kill for ANYONE in my care team to actually DO THEIR JOB properly! 

How do they expect to help someone when they know nothing about them.. 

it's not even like she's only recently been on my team.. not far off a year.
I'm falling apart. And they can't even see what to be looking for to know when I'm struggling.. 

I'm so alone.
I'm scared and all alone.

These memories are tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. It hurts, it all hurts and I don't know how to make it stop.