Update.. [poss trig]

** Just as an extra note! I'm so sorry I'm not posting very frequently at the moment. Things are struggling and I'd hate to sound like I'm complaining all the time and my concentration levels are shit right now**




The funeral has been and gone now. It was horrible, but not in the ways I'd thought about and tried to prepare for.. I will never forget the sound of the roses hitting the coffin after it'd been lowered into the ground. The sickness I felt when others were crying and I just couldn't myself. Feeling selfish, evil. I couldn't help but think that it'd be so much better if I was with her. It still doesn't feel real. I'm still waiting for her call asking when I'll next be going to see her..

The flashbacks are bad. They are on and off causing problems between me and my boyfriend.. obviously the physical contact between us and even just some things that he'll say can trigger me and at the moment I'm being triggered so easily.

This week is the anniversary of the first rape. I can't stop thinking about it. Crying myself to sleep just to dream of it. Wanting to hurt myself so much, all the time.. but knowing that it wont help and trying it anyway.. Specifically this is the worst month of my life.. Most of the 'firsts' would happen roughly April being the big stand off because it's just before my birthday.

I'm making plans, trying to keep busy, keep my mind off of everything.. Shopping Friday, time with my little sister on Monday.. shopping again on my birthday, Thorpe Park on the 16th May.. There will be various things in between but I needed big things to focus on. I'm hoping I can just look at things as until the next 'big' focus I have and work through like that..

I have been accepted into college but as pleased as I am for that I can't help but see it as a positive for something I'd achieved before I'd died. Something I'd not had a chance to fuck up.

I'm fairly 50/50 for suicide. Some days.. or more at night I am alot more like 70-80/20 but even on the better days where the flashbacks are bearable and I have okay times with people I care about it's still there, in my mind, haunting me.. In some ways I keep thinking maybe if I just got through the 'bad' part of the year then my plans would be more likely to succeed because it would be less suspected, but then on the other hand if I can get through the bad part of the year I want to live and enjoy everything that I haven't been able to whilst I'm struggling..

Basically. My mind is a mess. Should I or shouldn't I. Will I or won't I. My biggest fear is that I wont make a decision. That I'll just react to a particularly bad flashback or bad dream.. I scared of when losing my Nan becomes real. I'm scared of losing all my reasons to keep fighting.. 


Self-harming is becoming so much more frequent.. That bothers me too with the weather becoming so much better now.. :/ Please, god, kill me now.

Pathetic!

I feel like it's ridiculous that I'm hurting so much.
I feel pathetic.
I am pathetic!
Nightmares, flashbacks and all these thoughts.
I don't wanna hurt anymore. I truly can't bare it!
Please someone, anyone, help me.
Before it's too late.

I Just Wanna Forget It.

I'm fed up with remembering.
Why can't I forget.
Let it all just get the hell away from me!
I don't want to keep remembering.
It hurts so much.
I remember most of the time anyway, 
but it is so much worse generally for this part of the year.
I'm fed up of feeling like this.
I'm fed up of being responsible.
Shouldn't we be able to choose whether we remember things or not?!?!
Like a switch; yes please let's remember that, no thank-you, don't want to remember that.
Unrealistic of course.
But that doesn't change the feeling of wanting that..

Sleep Sweet Dreams

Is this the end? Again..
I never wanted to remember.
But you force me too.
I never wanted to hurt.
That never stopped you.
I don't want all the blame.
That you gave to me.
I still want you to love me.
Although you never did..
I don't want to cry anymore.
Pain, sorrow, fear..
Please can you try to help.
Like you said you would.
Did you know?
Nothing had changed..
I'm so scared..
Because I dont know anymore.
Is it worth the pain?
Of being alive,
My head is racing, pacing,
Tracing my arm with a blade.
But, no, I wont, Not again.
Can I stop.
These thoughts chasing,
Racing, tracing, pacing,
I'm fed up of facing,
All of my fears,
Just let this be,
Let me go,
Let me sleep,
Or this brain to slow,
Sleep sweet dreams,
Please just let me,
Sleep sweet dreams.

Parental Avoidance.

For once it's not me doing the avoidance; well not just me anyway.

When it comes down to all my experiences, it is unmentionable. I am unmentionable and it is a completely untouched, "hide away in the back of the closet" type thing.. The problem is, there are times, like now; when my flashbacks and nightmares are bad, really, really bad and they are pretty much all thats on my mind.. YET I am not to talk about it.. I do find talking about it hard, terrifying.. extremely hard, but even the option isnt there anymore. I don't talk to anyone about all this and wonder why it's all building up. It's such a boundary, it's okay other people wanting to move on and forget about it all - I do too. But shutting themselves away from what has happened to me, is shutting themselves off from me.. I don't feel like I can talk about with them.. it feels like I should be over it all by now, despite the fact it only completely stopped the very beginning of 2010.. I can't help that this still hurts, I can't help that this is STILL destroying me day by day.. but doing this alone, makes it all the more harder. My Care-Co-Ordinator didn't even know, it's in all my files, surely.. but it is something I haven't spoken about since I was in my very first hospital.. I started then to try and wall things back in again because it was the only way I was going to get out of there.. but since.. it's untouchable again. It feels like the silence is giving it all the strength back - giving HIM all the strength back.. I feel like I'm going backwards, and I know I need to talk.. but I don't know how to get to that point now - I don't know how to trust anymore and I can't risk the fragile coping I'm on at the moment. Ahh. What to do, what to do?!

Spending..

In an effort to cheer myself up I've spent money.. a LOT of money.. damn the stupid people for fucking things for so long, now having this money all at once makes it soo damn hard to not spend.. luckily, I'd already put a lot of it into my savings account. I should be receiving a; New 27" TV, Wii Fit game thingy and a new laptop :) I am happy I'm getting them, but I feel guilty despite the fact I shouldn't be.. *sigh* I really don't know what's going on in my head today.. On a more? positive note despite horrendous flashbacks and nightmares last night, I didn't cut again.

I Gave In Like The Failure I Am.

This whole evening has been a mess.. I was having flashbacks.. really bad.. they seem to be getting worse and worse by the day at the moment. I tried distraction, it just wasn't working, I wasn't calming down, the only thing I could think of was to try and sleep.. but my cat wasn't in.. I tried getting him in and ended up arguing with a neighbour [who I've had problems regarding my cat with before - feeding him, taking him into her flat without my knowledge and all that] who went off on one about me being 'crazy' and 'paranoid' I was falling apart and she told me that I'm not good enough for my cat.. he deserves a PROPER owner.. I shouted back - even though I know I shouldn't, I just couldn't hold myself together like that. She threw accusations at me and reckoned she was going to phone the police.. I walked away and phoned the oncall phone, was told that I'm just being silly, he'll come in when he's ready - which was obviously my biggest issue in the situation ¬¬ - but I did want him in, I can't sleep without knowing he's in and safe -hence trying in the first place.. I came back in and fell apart, crying, rocking, pulling at my hair. I gave in. I cut. I've ruined my nearly 3 months.. I feel terrible now. It helped. It calmed me down so much. But now I've just managed to prove to myself how much of a huge failure I am.. I don't wanna do this anymore.. it all hurts too much and I should be able to cope, I should be strong and capable, but I'm not, I weak and pathetic, how am I supposed to move on when everything, including myself is holding me back. I'm such a huge, fat, ugly, failure. She's right, I should just go and die, I'm not good enough for my cat, I'm not good enough for anyone else or myself. I'm now not only freaking out due to appointments [Care-Co-Ordinator yest, ESA Lady today and Hospital tommorrow] but also flashbacks and anxiety and now the police [apparently] and the fact that she is NOT going to let this go.. she truely wont and this will be a source of topic forEVER now. I feel so low, so terribly low and I'm quite seriously having suicidal thoughts.. I'm not going to follow through with them, but how I wish I could. I'm so truely such a waste of space, I KNOW that, but it still hurts when I'm reminded of that fact. I'm fed up with hurting so much, I'm fed up of STRUGGLING all the time. Please, just let this end.

EDIT - The police have just been here.. seriously. They looked as fed up as I felt. They just asked a general 'What happened?' so I told them.. I have nothing to hide, and although I may not have dealt with things fantastically, I didn't actually do anything WRONG; nothing the police can do anything about anyway.. Meh. What a fucking night, can things get any worse..

Not All One In The Same (:

Completely Random Post! 

So there's a new tenant in one of the upstairs flats.. I've seen him around a few times, talked with him in his flat the other week but tonight I spent hours in his flat with him.  He's so super sweet.. easy to talk to,  understanding.. trustworthy.. 

I suppose I'd forgotten in a way that not all guys are arrogant stuck-up twats who don't respect other people or there personal space.. I'd forgotten why I always had more male friends then female.. the whole easyness of it all was amazing.. No bitching.. No So-and-So said this about Whoever..  Nothing like that.. just peaceful, honest talk. Important things, he was upfront and honest. Everything I'd loved my old male friends for. Until I got to a certain age then things were more arkwardBeing able to talk about just random things and it not lead into a "Yes, I was had depression the other day" but I just 'got over it 'The irony of course being that you have to be 'depressed' for weeks for it to count as depression. 

He's just so NICE! Not nice in a - I'm trying to get in your pants - kind of way. Really, seriously, truely nice. He thinks I'm AMAZING [big-headed moment :)] He says that he normally finds it so hard to open up and talk to other people but he found me so easy to be with and talk honestly too. I'm so glad I've found someone again, help me re-gain my faith in men.. I know logically that they can't all be the same, but when your proved otherwise repeatedly it's hard to remember that. More then anything. I felt safe. Completely and utterly safe. Not once did I worry about him in that way and I didn't even find him triggering - which is odd in itself because normally I'm triggered quite easily.

Care Co-Ordinator Appointment

She actually asked what I was having flashbacks about.. 

I assumed she meant which memories were causing the biggest problems.. 

but no, she confessed to having not even read my file! 

She doesn't know, she doesn't know anything.. 

How is she supposed to help me when she doesn't know why I'm hurting so much!? 

I can't do this alone. I just cant.
But every day, life proves to me, just how alone I am.
Would it kill for ANYONE in my care team to actually DO THEIR JOB properly! 

How do they expect to help someone when they know nothing about them.. 

it's not even like she's only recently been on my team.. not far off a year.
I'm falling apart. And they can't even see what to be looking for to know when I'm struggling.. 

I'm so alone.
I'm scared and all alone.

These memories are tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. It hurts, it all hurts and I don't know how to make it stop.

My Angel, My Devil And Everything Inbetween.

I feel terrible.

My dreams. 

Flashbacks. 

Thoughts. 

Memories. 

Feelings.

It's all against me. Aiming for me to really really hurt myself.. I don't know what to do! I truely don't wanna give in, I truely dont want to self-harm, I don't want to have these thoughts of killing myself.. I know, I'm weak, pathetic, I deserve to hurt this much.. I deserve it all but I just can't bear to have it all again.. this is the week.. doctors, care-co-ordinators and other randomers all within one week.. I don't like hospitals - in fact I hate hospitals!! And I'm going to have to be in one, for hours.. and knowing the fact that there never running on time, it'll probably be even longer then it's supposed to be anyway..I don't want to die - not yet. I need this achievement first, I need to make it to my very end goal weight.. it's all very well to be achieving my smaller goals.. but I've still got so far to go.. I will be strong. I will continue.. I will do this.. but these memories.. they haunt me. Break me. I think about him all the time, it's not fair he already had so many years of my life and he's still got me.. still scaring me, still making me feel like this. I want to sleep. I want to be able to properly sleep, and not wake up screaming.. not wake up crying, absolutely sobbing.. I want it all to stop hurting. It's been so long.. and I know last year was my first year without any contact with him.. but I cant take it.. It hurts. My head hurts, my chest hurts, my heart hurts, pounding and heavy, my eyes swollen from the tears.. but still it continues. This assault of my mind.. even now it's stopped, I don't feel any free-er, I was promised cutting off from him completely would make it better, but I'm still stuck, a hostage from my own mind. Why do I still love him! I'm stupid. Sick. It's ridiculous to love someone who has done the things he has done.. but everyone else forgets he once saved me.. the bullying.. the suicide attempts.. the one that I would never have survived if he hadn't of cut me down, family life and friendship problems.. despite everything.. he did good too.. maybe for his own selfish reasons others say, yeah, maybe it was.. but he still did it.. he could have let them beat me, again and again, he could have left me, let me die, let it all end, he didn't have to be waiting outside my house that time my mum hit me.. he didn't need to be there the time my boyfriend raped me.. of course he never knew [I dont think] that K had raped me, but upset and a mess nevertheless, he was still there.

I hate him, but I don't. He was evil, yet he wasn't. He saved me, yet destroyed what was left.

I hate the confusion in my head, in my own mind of how I feel about him and how I see him..

Everyone else says he's evil. So why do I have so many memories where I'm considering him my angel?

One Week Today.

One week today and I don't think I'm really feeling it, I know I should be feeling terrible today, 

scared, panic.. the works, but I'm not. I'm not really feeling anything.. quite spaced out, dissociated. 

I don't even remember if I slept for long, I feel tired, but thats been pretty constant recently, as well as this intense pounding headache. Maybe it's because I havent eaten, maybe because I haven't slept, I don't really know, I don't remember and I don't really want to remember.. When I woke my pillow was soaked, so I cried last night, I sobbed and I don't remember it. 

I've had enough of feeling such a mess.. it's not fair really.. I can't do it anymore.. I'm barely functioning and not remembering so much time.. losing time and this dreamy-ness hasn't been so bad for ages, I know that these upcoming appointments are probably scaring the fuck out of me so maybe triggering things.. but how am I supposed to make it better when I don't know? When I can't remember? When I am actually completely unpresent at the time??

I'm scared I'm going to start hurting myself dissociated again.. scared that without my present thought I'm not going to be able to stop me. Scared that I wont want to stop myself. 

Scared of what I'm experiencing and remembering..

I'm scared but don't know what of.

Gone From My Mind;Back In 4 Minutes ♥

Last night and today have been incredibly hard, I have been crying and having flashbacks, trying to sleep but having nightmares. In consequence, I'm a physically tired, stroppy 'wannabe' teen who is thinking about and remembering things she'd really rather not and continues to be seriously tired because I'm too scared of the nightmares now to sleep [even though I couldn't if I wanted too]. I'm so FUSTRATED with myself; I thought I was dealing with/had dealt with this.. I thought things had gone away alot more.. now I'm still in a 'low' mood [still want to hurt myself, kill myself - whichever takes less effort, both seem like such a good idea right now] but I have energy - not proper energy mind you, stupid useless agitated energy, the kind where you move, jiggle your leg, tap your fingers etc.. I can't sleep, my mind is racing, I'm struggling to focus my attention [seriously this post has taken me all day, I just had to keep coming back to it] I've been trying to sort out my college stuff - fail. Organise my whole flat - fail. Yet, I have cleaned my sink and table [forgetting the rest] in my kitchen, my toilet and sink [forgetting the bath] and half organised my DVD collection [until I found a bouncy-ball!] I haven't listened to a full song in days and I can't even escape into a book like I'd normally try and do because I can only read a page before something distracts me. This is driving me mad. I'm ALL for distraction - brilliant, bring it on I'd normally say - but when I can't stick at any of these things for longer then a few minutes maybe 10 at most, then it doesn't work and doesn't help. I didn't realise [my support worker mentioned it] but I was completely unable to keep on track of our conversation, it kept jumping around and it took her alot of effort to keep me on task. I'm worried. I scared about having these thoughts and the energy to follow them through.. I really don't know what to do..

'Professionals,' Stupid Advice && Struggling To Cope ♥

I recieved my first comment (: Does it make me slightly pathetic to be this happy about it? XD ClinicallyClueless ♥ I can offically LOVE YOU forever now (:

Okay, so slightly random note outta the way (: Things were bad today, still, but I think after reading my comment I felt a little more positive in trying to work through my [plentiful] techniques, I feel awful in some ways to know that people can relate, and in some ways the relief that some people can makes me feel sick about myself.. because in that I am asking that people have been through some truely horrific things. Obviously thats not quite what I mean but I still feel bad about it. I am not going to be blind-sighted over it all; things things DO happen, and they happen with a frequency that is digusting in the terms of how many people think it's okay to do it. I'm not sure what other people find useful with flashbacks, but I generally use distraction. With my old therapist we had a couple of 'games' we would play; either working our way through the different senses trying to name between 3-5 things for each, or keeping my eyes closed trying to name things that are in the room [without peeking] or she'd ask specific questions like "What colour is the chair by the door".. which we did depended on how much more triggering it would have been for me to keep my eyes closed for a longer period. Obviously without someone else who knows me well enough, I struggle to generally catch myself before I completely slip into it, I'm sometimes too far gone for these kinda things to work. If I'm truely honest, I find hurting myself tends to be a fairly good way of 'bringing myself back' but I don't like resorting to that, either to bring myself out or to deal with the pain after.. I'm trying to deal with things with 'positive coping strategies' but they never seem to work/help like the negative ones do.. it's not fair.. Any ideas or ways other people have/use would be incredibly welcome! I'm so beyond fed up with being told that I'm CHOOSING to continue these negative behaviours, and although in some ways, yes, of course I am choosing to do this but then what else am I supposed to do. If they keep having to  get the police bringing me into the psych ward they wouldn't be amused but despite that instead of trying to help me cope without attempting suicide, they choose to get stroppy over ways that do help me cope. Ergh. If I have another idiot 'professional' tell me to take a bath and have a hot drink I will scream. It takes a hell of a lot for me to admit to ANYONE that I've 'lost control' and that I need help, if I'm asking for help I am so far beyond 'having a bath and hot drink' if I'm asking for help, I truely truely need it, I need support, right then and there because if I come away from my attempt to get help with stupid, unhelpful [for that time] advice I am pretty much definately going to do something. Then after all of that, I get told my 'attempt' was stupid, impulsive and that I need to learn to ASK FOR HELP! Omg, I am going to kill that stupid pathetic excuse for an AMHP! For one, it's never stupid if that's how you feel/felt, two, it was not impulsive; it took me weeks, maybe even months to get to this point and you dare to tell me I didn't think it over enough, three, I fucking did ask for help and to be fair, when I have a bazillion tablets right in front of me, I definately need more then to be told to have a bath. I do realise that I am sooo negative alot of the time, I'm sorry, I really am but things have been getting steadily worse again and I'm struggling to see the light at the end of this tunnel anymore. - Just a quick note those comments I got from the AMHP was over 6 months ago.. It just still annoys me so much -
I am struggling so much, yet no-one wants to hear it, I'm moving at some point next year, will be possibly dropping my CPN and I absolutely hate my psych [not exactly a change for next year, except I will have to start communicating with him myself which is going to be problematic] . I did not self-harm today, despite the flashbacks and everything.. although I did fast and walked 18miles so I suppose it would depend on your perspective on whether thats a positive thing or not.. I hate my team but have already been through so many [through no fault of my own] that I am not able to change in any way again anytime soon. I also wonder if anyone else has had the confusion of loving/hating there abuser? Sorry again for all the negativity :/

Rip My Heart Apart && Tear Up My Soul.

I've been having flashbacks intensely in the last few hours, this has been the first proper break I've had from them where I have calmed my crying enough to see, my breathing to not feel light-headed and my shaking to a point where I can actually type. Man. This sucks, I haven't had it like that for a while.. [when I say a while I mean a week] and it always hurts extra every time it reoccurs. It used to be like this constantly, so I can see the progress in only normally having maybe one this bad a week, maybe even once a fortnight. My head is pounding. My heart is pounding.. I'm shivering and shaking and damn, I wanna cut so much!! Seriously.. I don't know what to do, I'm fed up of all this, please help me. Why did all this shit have to happen to me! To be fair, why does this kinda stuff happen at all!! When does someone ever think - "you know what even if someone says 'No' they don't actually mean it" Crying? - putting it on.. Throws up after - just weak. Im tired, I'm tired and fed up of this all being in my head, just go away. GO AWAY! Please. I can't take anymore, it all hurts so soo much. Remembering him, feeling him, smelling him. It's not fair,  I don't wanna do this anymore. I can't keep feeling like this. Why can't I just forget. I don't wanna know how much of everything is my fault, I can't take it, the pain and pressure. Building. Built inside me. I feel sick. I'm scared. I don't know how to make this better anymore. Nothing helps anymore! Please just stop..