Sleep.. Or Lack Thereof.

I am soo tired. The only problem is by the evening/nights I’m so over tired that I end up slightly energetic; well no, maybe more hyper than anything. You know with some little kids when they get over tired they start running around and being a bit difficult and actually seem completely unable to stop themselves. Well that’s me to the T. I am trying to sleep, trying to settle and I seriously just can’t, I’m keeping a better routine than I ever have before, I’m trying to avoid all napping during the day to avoid that issue, but seriously, it just still doesn’t happen. I’m dissociating A LOT at the moment, and I was wondering if being so tired was making this worse? Probably, I knew my sleep was going to mess up, time of year, memories, and my sleep is always the first thing to go. For me, that’s just how it is, so it was EXPECTED that I would have problems sleeping, but not this bad this fast and I wasn’t expecting that I would be getting no relief at all. Dissociation is being so wide and varied at the moment, which is different to how it normally works for me, normally; I mainly have one type of dissociation for a while and then it kinda moves on, or steps up. I am having a lot of lost time, but any time I am here I feel completely cut off, emotionally, physically sometimes feeling completely unreal. Everyone keeps telling me I seem very ‘guarded’ I can understand why it’s happening now, the memories are pretty bad, worse than they normally are by this point in the year. What bothers me the most I think is the lack of control for it all. When all this began, I CHOSE to ‘leave my mind’ to cope, whereas as things got worse, and as I’ve gotten older it seems completely out of my control, and I’m losing and missing out on things I really don’t want to do, and remembering more and more.I think those are what hurts the most, I’ve spent so long trying to convince myself that I was overreacting and that really I had nothing much to complain about, but the more I remember the harder it is for me to keep reminding myself of this. It's so much harder to make it all make sense, it's so much harder to make it feel like it's not my fault; I realise maybe that doesn't make sense, but for me, to do those things to someone they must have done something really bad to you. So it is my fault, I must have done some terrible things to deserve this. Also, does anyone know how to switch the repressed memories off? Seriously I have enough memories to deal with right now without more on top. Plus, my support keeps getting cancelled. I really don't know how much longer I can keep a lid on this, and it scares me to know that this is only going to get worse. 

Back On Track.

Got my letter through from the college,  I now have an interview and assessment in April though; so the joyous moments of having plenty of time to worry about it of course..Things are pretty good with the boyfriend. It's kinda weird, kinda new, liking spending time with him but he seems to think that I'm 'out of his league' 
What the hell is he on!! 

so he's constantly doubting himself and worrying about doing everything wrong. 
I don't really know how to deal with this to be honest, all the compliments and things..  My whole life has constantly been that I'm not good enough, for anything or anyone. And now I've got someone who seems to think I'm amazing. Losing weight again, brilliant stuff, onto my third day of fast.. Hopefully this one will go better then last time. Wish I could sleep better though.
 I'm so tired.
Shattered.

**On a positive note though, I made 3 phone calls today!!

Me and this phone issue will continue to battle this out I'm sure, 

but this is definitely a 1-0 to me :)

♥ I want you to make me feel 
like I'm the only girl in the world ♥

A Fuck Up Waiting To Happen.

It's a fuck up waiting to happen.

I'm a fuck up!

I've brought new blades. Not just new blades, 

but stanley knife, proper blades.

I don't want this pain, it all hurts so much, 

I'm insisting that I carry on for now..

Keep trying.

But then another part of me just thinks

"what's the point?" 

Nothing is going to change.

I believed them 7 years ago when they said it would change - 

that things would get better. 

I believed them 4 years ago again - with the promise of change.

It hasn't.

It wont.

And it never will.

I dont have the belief in me to believe or trust for any different.

Pain is all I shall ever know..

I can't hurt like this forever.

I'm not as strong as people think I am.

One Week Today.

One week today and I don't think I'm really feeling it, I know I should be feeling terrible today, 

scared, panic.. the works, but I'm not. I'm not really feeling anything.. quite spaced out, dissociated. 

I don't even remember if I slept for long, I feel tired, but thats been pretty constant recently, as well as this intense pounding headache. Maybe it's because I havent eaten, maybe because I haven't slept, I don't really know, I don't remember and I don't really want to remember.. When I woke my pillow was soaked, so I cried last night, I sobbed and I don't remember it. 

I've had enough of feeling such a mess.. it's not fair really.. I can't do it anymore.. I'm barely functioning and not remembering so much time.. losing time and this dreamy-ness hasn't been so bad for ages, I know that these upcoming appointments are probably scaring the fuck out of me so maybe triggering things.. but how am I supposed to make it better when I don't know? When I can't remember? When I am actually completely unpresent at the time??

I'm scared I'm going to start hurting myself dissociated again.. scared that without my present thought I'm not going to be able to stop me. Scared that I wont want to stop myself. 

Scared of what I'm experiencing and remembering..

I'm scared but don't know what of.

Content With Failure? ♥

I have had a better day, slept about 4 hours, which is a little more then it has been recently which is better.. I woke up stressed but more tolerant then yesterday. Havent eaten at all. 

So I am content. Content with giving in, content with this failure on my part. Content that when I wake up tommorow the scale will have a lower number.

I am upset at the same time that when I struggle to catch and keep a tight hold on one thing, something else, whilst my back is turned starts the fall apart again. I'm reaching for things to stop me killing myself and to do so I forget [at first; then willingly] to eat and ENJOY not doing so..

Yesterday I was ready to jump in front of a train, if I allow my eating and exercising to slip, I can't cope. To such a point where it's even subconcious.. I will naturally just be more relaxed and cope better if I haven't eated anything/much or if I've done all the exercise I needed to do.

I re-joined a site I was on years ago, TeenHelp ♥ 

I'm not a hero. I never was and I never will be.

I can't do it all, and to be fair, I'm fat enough for weight loss to not particularly be noticable or damaging anyway. Plus one day, one day wont hurt. I gained weight over Christmas anyway.

It confuses me when other people seem to think I'm strong. I'm not strong. I'm weak, I'm pathetic. 

My head feels a mess. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I don't want to gain weight; I want to lose, but I don't want to be fasting like I am even though my weight loss goals are my only reason to be alive, to see if I can achieve them again.. I dont want these moods swings, yet medication will make me even fatter.. How am I supposed to decide? How do you decide if self-harm is okay as long as it stops you attempting suicide, when you might take it too far anyway, accidently, subconciously aiming for more..

Damn my racing mind. I'm still falling apart bit by bit and I don't think I remember where all the pieces go anymore. I don't think I'm fixable now, it's been too long. Too much and too long.

Ergh.

Today, is just one of those days. It's closer and closer to christmas all the time, and I am completely freaking out over it all.. Its not just the food/eating part.. it's all of it, the social part terrifies me! I have such social anxiety but it causes problems because my family decide I'm being 'anti-social' it's stupid but I don't really feel like I can explain to them. I'd feel stupid at my age [although age has nothing to do with it] saying that seeing people freaks me out, the whole making conversation, small talk, all the usual social graces; fear is imminent! Plus at christmas people are so unbelievably touchy-feely, I mean seriously, does someone need to touch me whilst there talking to me?! Is it normal? Am I the only person who finds this beyond point of coping? To be fair it is generally just the older generations who are like that to an excessive extent. But either way I end up having to deal with them the most since I left my parents home as they don't get to see me as much, therefore they seem to use this as a chance to completely bombard me with questions and opinions on my life. Ergh. Then we get onto the food. :/ I HATE this time of year, I'm gaining weight already because of all the stupid meets with everyone else that happens around christmas and I'm hating it so much. There will be more weight gain before the week is out and I'm struggling so hard to cope with it.. I'm using every trick in the book to try and get out of eating but they've got an answer for everything. It really makes me wonder if I've really been avoiding food for so long that theres nothing they can't work around! I've already figured out my food/exercise plan for the two weeks after and needless to say it's gonna be fairly strict. Try and lose the stuff I've gained and then continue to lose once I'm back on track. Damn. This has definately not been my week weight wise.. so much anxiety about it all though.. I'm so fed up of being fat and it's killing me to know that I can't really do anything about it till next week. :/ On top of everything else I'm still so fucking damn tired. Stupid, stupid brain. Sort it out for gods sake. I want my life back.

Sleep [Or Lack Of Anything Else]

At the moment I'm in the low of my mood cycle :/ Sucks, but whatever. I'm in it, and I'm shattered. Seriously. Constantly drowsy, if I'm don't get like 16 hours sleep then I'm a complete mess! Irritable, unable to focus, all the nice usual things that come with lack of sleep.. although I feel like a freak because I get them when I've slept like 12 odd hours.. Obviously this is the wrong time of year to need to sleep this much.. I am struggling to get everything organised like I need to and it's causing me even more stress over it all. So for the last couple of months I've been sleeping like this, in terms of getting everything else sorted I'm managing except social life is kinda down the drain.. but these last couple of days I've been feeling worse, emotionally/mentally.. the thoughts of self-harm and suicide a more focal point in my mind now, and that's getting me down even more. I believe it's the "lack" of sleep over the last couple of weeks where I've been busier with christmas and all that but I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to enjoy christmas at all.. cause I'm either so tired I'm paying nothing else any attention, or all I can think about is hurting myself. :/ I haven't been 'low' at christmas for a few years and with all thats gone on this year I was hoping this would be able to be a really good year.. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm stressed plus god knows what else and it's all cycling and making the other feelings consequently worse. I realise thats whats happening, but don't seem to know how to stop it.. My team are useless. I have been told to have a routine; have hot drinks and baths.. although I'm sure these must work for some people - they must get this shit advice from somewhere - I know they do not work for me.. I have ALWAYS had messed up sleep. Even as a kid, it used to drive my mum mad cause I either couldn't [in her eyes, wouldn't] sleep at all or it's all I wanted to do. To be fair, that hasn't particularly changed, but I'm sure you can appreciate that since being a child, and I'm talking 3/4 my sleep has been screwed [my mum said it always has been including when I was a baby, but I don't want to include when I was 2/3ish years because my sister came along and I can imagine that wouldn't have helped my sleeping.] so in 16 years I've had messed up sleep.. I have tried and tested every imaginable and possible chance of something that may help one sleep. From extremely specific bed-time routines with baths and hot drinks to relaxing music and soothing lights.. so you can see why it fustrates me to keep getting the same replies.. it's not like I'm after sleeping tablets. I dont want them. I've had them. Been re-offered them. It's not what I want, they work fine whilst I'm on them, but once I'm off them its screwed again.. and I don't wanna be on things that can be so dangerous and addictive for long.. so I fail to see the point to try them again. The difference is obviously I don't want help to sleep, for these couple of months I'm sleeping fine.. too much, but fine. I just need some useful techniques to stop the [illogical] tiredness screwing up everything else. I only need to manage for the next week at most really, then I can just give in for a while.. but I don't wanna self-harm and I don't want to kill myself.. which makes the thoughts and images all the more distressing. I don't really have many good coping strategies.. it's hard to get ones that consistently work because my moods change to extremes and they change ability to focus on other things and ability to remember other things to do. The only thing I really do do alot is use distraction.. but my team are worried that I'm taking it too far and am entering 'avoidance' So either way I can't win; I have a technique that works/helps and I'm not supposed to use it because it works to well :/ I'm trying to stay aware and I know that, even though I'm not struggling as much as I know I can, if I just leave it it'll just get worse, I try and do something about it now, and no-one takes any notice because I'm not yet at a point where I'm about the try and jump in front of a train. These stupid services are going to be the death of me yet.