Even lower..

I can feel myself slipping again.
Lower even..
Not wanting to get out of bed.
And even when I do nothing feels real..
Dream-like state.. 
I've spent more time looking at my walls and the duvet cover then actually reading this book.
I cant focus or concentrate which is making things harder..
I'm feeling tempted to follow through with my plans whilst I still have to energy to do them - but then when I actually consider how I am, I can't decide if the moment has passed already.
I'm hurting so much, I wish someone could just wrap me in a hug and make me feel safe again. :(
Flashbacks. Nightmares. Intrusive thoughts.. 
The world is too bright and too loud in different ways.. hiding away from the world just doesn't seem to be working though. 

I Miss You! ♥

  

Yesterday it was a week and I still can't quite believe it, despite your illness you were always so dependably there - I know there was difficulties and disagreements about me being your 'favorite' I know you loved us all. I suppose what makes me special is that

 you chose to love me when you didn't have to. 

Is it ridiculous to cry as much as I am even though I'm still expecting/waiting on a call from someone to say they were wrong and your not gone at all..

I don't want to be without you like this. 

I want one of your hugs. 

I don't feel safe without you around. 

I have no promises to keep now.

I love you Nanny, please come back. 

Please Free Me, Baby ♥

I feel awful today.

I don't even have the words. 

Overwhelmed doesn't cover it.

Neither does depressed, terrified, agitated..

I don't want to hurt like this any more. 

And I truly don't think I can do this any more.

   

Back On Track.

Got my letter through from the college,  I now have an interview and assessment in April though; so the joyous moments of having plenty of time to worry about it of course..Things are pretty good with the boyfriend. It's kinda weird, kinda new, liking spending time with him but he seems to think that I'm 'out of his league' 
What the hell is he on!! 

so he's constantly doubting himself and worrying about doing everything wrong. 
I don't really know how to deal with this to be honest, all the compliments and things..  My whole life has constantly been that I'm not good enough, for anything or anyone. And now I've got someone who seems to think I'm amazing. Losing weight again, brilliant stuff, onto my third day of fast.. Hopefully this one will go better then last time. Wish I could sleep better though.
 I'm so tired.
Shattered.

**On a positive note though, I made 3 phone calls today!!

Me and this phone issue will continue to battle this out I'm sure, 

but this is definitely a 1-0 to me :)

♥ I want you to make me feel 
like I'm the only girl in the world ♥

♥ ♥ ♥

Guess who is in a RELATIONSHIP! ♥
Aha. Me of course. (: 
This being my blog and everything [Hmmm, state the obvious dumbass]
He's also 19. Lives near me, makes me feel special, happy, safe.
I really think I like him, but this is seriously one of those, 
I'm just not sure.. sometimes I think 

"Wow, I have never felt like this before" 

type thoughts, but other times I think 

"Don't be silly, he wouldn't like you anyway, he just wants to get into your pants, you don't even know what love feels like so why would you have a clue" 

type ones aswell.


I can't even decide what I feel. What if I only think I like him, 
and that's only because he's paying me attention.


Ahh. Why do guys make things so damn complicated!


BUT 
despite all the questioning mess in my head; 


I now have a boyfriend. ♥

Parental Avoidance.

For once it's not me doing the avoidance; well not just me anyway.

When it comes down to all my experiences, it is unmentionable. I am unmentionable and it is a completely untouched, "hide away in the back of the closet" type thing.. The problem is, there are times, like now; when my flashbacks and nightmares are bad, really, really bad and they are pretty much all thats on my mind.. YET I am not to talk about it.. I do find talking about it hard, terrifying.. extremely hard, but even the option isnt there anymore. I don't talk to anyone about all this and wonder why it's all building up. It's such a boundary, it's okay other people wanting to move on and forget about it all - I do too. But shutting themselves away from what has happened to me, is shutting themselves off from me.. I don't feel like I can talk about with them.. it feels like I should be over it all by now, despite the fact it only completely stopped the very beginning of 2010.. I can't help that this still hurts, I can't help that this is STILL destroying me day by day.. but doing this alone, makes it all the more harder. My Care-Co-Ordinator didn't even know, it's in all my files, surely.. but it is something I haven't spoken about since I was in my very first hospital.. I started then to try and wall things back in again because it was the only way I was going to get out of there.. but since.. it's untouchable again. It feels like the silence is giving it all the strength back - giving HIM all the strength back.. I feel like I'm going backwards, and I know I need to talk.. but I don't know how to get to that point now - I don't know how to trust anymore and I can't risk the fragile coping I'm on at the moment. Ahh. What to do, what to do?!

Spending..

In an effort to cheer myself up I've spent money.. a LOT of money.. damn the stupid people for fucking things for so long, now having this money all at once makes it soo damn hard to not spend.. luckily, I'd already put a lot of it into my savings account. I should be receiving a; New 27" TV, Wii Fit game thingy and a new laptop :) I am happy I'm getting them, but I feel guilty despite the fact I shouldn't be.. *sigh* I really don't know what's going on in my head today.. On a more? positive note despite horrendous flashbacks and nightmares last night, I didn't cut again.

Stupidly Pointless Post. ♥

I know it's incredibly early to be worrying about this.. but I am terrified of April.

It is one hellish month for me, I've got lots of memories, lots of 'anniversary dates' if you like of bad things that have happened.. I don't wanna think about it right now, but I am.. Ahh. I wanna scream, why am I doing this to myself ALREADY?!? I know I'm worried because I've been coping 'generally' better for a while and only had occasional slips really, I'm scared this is gonna completely throw me off track. It's getting closer, I know we've got Febuary and March first, but things will be harder in March anyway purely BECAUSE it's so close to April.. Why does it all have to hurt so much. Sorry. Pointless post, but I'm stressing out already, I'm struggling to keep a handle on things but other than this week because of all the appointments, I have been doing well, even with self-harming; I nearly got to 3 months free, and before I started this one it was over 6 months free.. It does seem to be getting harder, and like I said, I realise it's getting to that time of year again and that I'm struggling more and more with that knowledge. Plus I've got a hectic year this year, moving out, back to college - if I'm accepted - and all this heart stuff. Everything is going to be new and I wanted it to be a new start, not something that creates havoc in my life trying to just GET TO THAT POINT. It's nearly 4:30 am.. damn I'm tired but sleeping is a mess it seems. If only I could sleep, might stop the worry for a while. Wow. I do complain alot. You guys must be fed up of me.

Hello New Year, I've Been Expecting You ♥

Well.. this year has been one hell of a challenge! 

♥ I have OD'd too many times to count, 

♥ I started being hospitalised [adult style ;)] repeatedly.  

♥ I had my first psychotic episode - which they now can't decide if it was - hearing voices, seeing things and believing the government were out to get me because I had secret information hidden in my subconsious that they wanted. 

♥ I had my first decent period of time without the abuse and therefore memories, flashbacks, dreams and thoughts went into overdrive worse then ever before.  

♥ I first told someone about the 'agreement' between me and my abuser.  

♥ Me and Mum getting closer, trying to try and work through some things.  

♥ Mum having an 'emotional' affair whilst she insists nothing physical happened.  
♥ Mum and Dad splitting up.. Mum and Dad getting back together.  

♥ My mum almost dying, spending 7 months between hospital and rehabilitation [I meanwhile developed and maintained an amazing relationship with the rest of my family -Dad and all 3 sisters- who all admitted -without her there- that Mum had made things harder in terms of having a relationship with me]  

♥ Struggled with Mum throughout her not remembering me [anyone, except Dad] her difficulties, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of belief in how she 'used to be'    

♥ My first hypo/manic episode; spending nearly £2000 in under 2 months, reckless, overconfident and hyposexual - I pierced my own lip, I met strangers for sex [considering I don't like/enjoy sex] plus made a few relationships I already had difficult with either having/offering sex to them. I felt I was amazing, attractive, great in bed and how I had a theories about stuff regarding psychiatry and similar things.  

♥ I became catatonic. I didn't get out of bed for weeks. Lost a fair bit of weight. 

♥ Triggered both by my sexual behaviours when higher, flashbacks and the weight loss I started up alot of my ED behaviours without realising it, until I look back in hindsight and feel too lost/safe in them again to change despite knowing the risks.

I started the year being abused on rare occasions only,  self-harming constantly and attempting suicide was a means of escaping anything, I refused to acknowledge my abuse and rapes and the memories of my bullying. My relationships with my family, but mostly my Mum, were poor and I had abandonment issues with my best friend with put our relationship into such a seriousness that we for a while lost the fun of it. I constantly argued with my 'team' and refused to co-operate in a childish manner. I'd only had one care-co-ordinator and one psychiatrist at that point. At the beginning of this year, death was very much my only wish, I hadn't wanted to start the year and [unwillingly] passed many dates of which my death was welcome.

I'm ending the year saying I haven't been abused in nearly a year, I don't self-harm very often and I haven't attempted suicide [despite wanting to, feeling like I need to] in 7 odd months. I recognise my abuse and trauma and although can still be fairly dismissive of it [because I feel others have been through so much worse, so I shouldn't complain] I am willing to accept that due to it I do struggle with some things that other people might not and instead of seeing it as a weakness I know try to see it as something else to just work with/around. My relationships with my family are really pretty good, it's still up and down with my Mum but I refuse to let it get to me anymore and knowing she can't stop me seeing my sisters like she used to do, makes things easier. Me and my best friend have come from strength to strength, we have had many changes this year, and although there have been struggles, we're still here, out the other side, expecting more. I work hard to be honest with my team [although I struggle to talk to my psychiatrist cause he's a male] and I'm not perfect but it's improving. I'm ending this year now having got to my third care-co-ordinator and my second psychiatrist. I still think about suicide often/plan suicide all the time but I'm getting better at not following through with my thoughts and plans. I have made it this year past all my bad dates, all these anniversaries and even though I know I am once again the 'wrong' side of my worst month, I am hoping I can try and continue this through, because trying is all I can do. I am not expecting a better year, because good things are just not handed to you. I will try and make myself a good year. For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to trying; looking forward to this challenge.

P.S. I also wanted to say that in this year, I haven't been on any medication for a sustained period due to me overdosing on it all the time and I haven't had any psychological intervention [just assessments; which recommended I have some!] at all within the year. All the improvements; as slight as they are. Were me. Just me and my effort and determination. (:

EDIT: P.P.S. I have never heard myself sound soo positive.. it's quite wierd cause I generally don't think like that, I'm normally extremely negative and pessamistic and I wouldn't say reading that back, that that's how it sounds/feels in my mind. No wonder I confuse my team. Meh. (: