Update.. [poss trig]

** Just as an extra note! I'm so sorry I'm not posting very frequently at the moment. Things are struggling and I'd hate to sound like I'm complaining all the time and my concentration levels are shit right now**




The funeral has been and gone now. It was horrible, but not in the ways I'd thought about and tried to prepare for.. I will never forget the sound of the roses hitting the coffin after it'd been lowered into the ground. The sickness I felt when others were crying and I just couldn't myself. Feeling selfish, evil. I couldn't help but think that it'd be so much better if I was with her. It still doesn't feel real. I'm still waiting for her call asking when I'll next be going to see her..

The flashbacks are bad. They are on and off causing problems between me and my boyfriend.. obviously the physical contact between us and even just some things that he'll say can trigger me and at the moment I'm being triggered so easily.

This week is the anniversary of the first rape. I can't stop thinking about it. Crying myself to sleep just to dream of it. Wanting to hurt myself so much, all the time.. but knowing that it wont help and trying it anyway.. Specifically this is the worst month of my life.. Most of the 'firsts' would happen roughly April being the big stand off because it's just before my birthday.

I'm making plans, trying to keep busy, keep my mind off of everything.. Shopping Friday, time with my little sister on Monday.. shopping again on my birthday, Thorpe Park on the 16th May.. There will be various things in between but I needed big things to focus on. I'm hoping I can just look at things as until the next 'big' focus I have and work through like that..

I have been accepted into college but as pleased as I am for that I can't help but see it as a positive for something I'd achieved before I'd died. Something I'd not had a chance to fuck up.

I'm fairly 50/50 for suicide. Some days.. or more at night I am alot more like 70-80/20 but even on the better days where the flashbacks are bearable and I have okay times with people I care about it's still there, in my mind, haunting me.. In some ways I keep thinking maybe if I just got through the 'bad' part of the year then my plans would be more likely to succeed because it would be less suspected, but then on the other hand if I can get through the bad part of the year I want to live and enjoy everything that I haven't been able to whilst I'm struggling..

Basically. My mind is a mess. Should I or shouldn't I. Will I or won't I. My biggest fear is that I wont make a decision. That I'll just react to a particularly bad flashback or bad dream.. I scared of when losing my Nan becomes real. I'm scared of losing all my reasons to keep fighting.. 


Self-harming is becoming so much more frequent.. That bothers me too with the weather becoming so much better now.. :/ Please, god, kill me now.

A Fuck Up Waiting To Happen.

It's a fuck up waiting to happen.

I'm a fuck up!

I've brought new blades. Not just new blades, 

but stanley knife, proper blades.

I don't want this pain, it all hurts so much, 

I'm insisting that I carry on for now..

Keep trying.

But then another part of me just thinks

"what's the point?" 

Nothing is going to change.

I believed them 7 years ago when they said it would change - 

that things would get better. 

I believed them 4 years ago again - with the promise of change.

It hasn't.

It wont.

And it never will.

I dont have the belief in me to believe or trust for any different.

Pain is all I shall ever know..

I can't hurt like this forever.

I'm not as strong as people think I am.

And So The Struggle Continues..

I feel shit today; and I'm really truely feeling it..

As such, I've ended up bingeing and now  and

tommorrow, I do already and will  feel absolutely 

shit when I most probably will gain weight. 

I did a huge work out - but I dont think it will be 

enough to fix this..

 Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

I dont wanna hurt like this. 

It's not fair.

I'm fed up, I'm scared, I'm so

fucking scared.He's had so much of my life, 

and even after leaving it physically, he still has me.. 

still as much control, causing as much pain as ever;

if not more because I didn't remember most of it as it was happening..

I did say stop.

I keep trying to tell myself..

*It's not my fault, it's not my fault* but then..

 .. why does it feel like it is?

I cant remember a time before this.

Feeling A Mess

 

I am hurting so much right now.. I can't even describe it.. 

It doesn't  seem real that I can feel like this; again. 

 

I feel so trapped, a bubble inside of me is refusing to burst. 

I'm trying to contain everything but at the same time,  

needing to appear completely fine to everyone else.

I can't stop thinking about cutting, or self-harm in general; 

overdosing, burning, hitting things, hitting myself.. Intrusively intense. 

The thoughts just will NOT leave my mind, constantly there,

thoughts, feelings, ideas and plans.. I feel so bad, I feel alone, 

I am scared!

I'm not eating, fasting if you like, controlling, enjoying the pain of 

hunger in some ways, fearing it in others.. feeling dizzy, light-headed 

and head-achey already, but I won't give in. I can't let go of this; 

My only lifeline. I lost 4 pounds during yesterday I found out this 

morning.. I can do this, I need to do this.

 Everything's that happened with him in stuck in my mind. 

On replay. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and nightmares.

Memories, painful, painful memories, all I can think is 

that I'm a SLUT. I know it, and everyone else knew it.

J knew it.. I know it's MY fault, I'm willing to take the blame,

I just need it to stop hurting me so much..

 

BUT I can't talk about it, I can't tell anyone. I can't ruin my silence.

It's the only thing holding me together - despite ripping me apart.

I don't have the strength to go through it all, to admit to it all..

Plus I need everyone to think I'm okay, that everythings fine, all

wonderful and dandy..

The word. Hurts so much, everyone says that it's a 'horrible

word for a horrible act' but it hurts, having people tell me

that I was raped, saying that word.. it's triggering, 

it's easier to not mention it.. I know I would say different

to anyone else who was in the same position but I just

don't wanna hear it.. I'm hurting too much right now..

 Suicide. It feels like the only way out. 

I don't want to hurt anymore, cry anymore,

cut anymore.. think and remember anymore.

But I always will whilst alive. 

I can't do this anymore.

Once I reach my goal weight.

I shall go.

I need to have this success before I leave,

so I'm not a complete failure.

Sleep Sweet Dreams

Is this the end? Again..
I never wanted to remember.
But you force me too.
I never wanted to hurt.
That never stopped you.
I don't want all the blame.
That you gave to me.
I still want you to love me.
Although you never did..
I don't want to cry anymore.
Pain, sorrow, fear..
Please can you try to help.
Like you said you would.
Did you know?
Nothing had changed..
I'm so scared..
Because I dont know anymore.
Is it worth the pain?
Of being alive,
My head is racing, pacing,
Tracing my arm with a blade.
But, no, I wont, Not again.
Can I stop.
These thoughts chasing,
Racing, tracing, pacing,
I'm fed up of facing,
All of my fears,
Just let this be,
Let me go,
Let me sleep,
Or this brain to slow,
Sleep sweet dreams,
Please just let me,
Sleep sweet dreams.

Parental Avoidance.

For once it's not me doing the avoidance; well not just me anyway.

When it comes down to all my experiences, it is unmentionable. I am unmentionable and it is a completely untouched, "hide away in the back of the closet" type thing.. The problem is, there are times, like now; when my flashbacks and nightmares are bad, really, really bad and they are pretty much all thats on my mind.. YET I am not to talk about it.. I do find talking about it hard, terrifying.. extremely hard, but even the option isnt there anymore. I don't talk to anyone about all this and wonder why it's all building up. It's such a boundary, it's okay other people wanting to move on and forget about it all - I do too. But shutting themselves away from what has happened to me, is shutting themselves off from me.. I don't feel like I can talk about with them.. it feels like I should be over it all by now, despite the fact it only completely stopped the very beginning of 2010.. I can't help that this still hurts, I can't help that this is STILL destroying me day by day.. but doing this alone, makes it all the more harder. My Care-Co-Ordinator didn't even know, it's in all my files, surely.. but it is something I haven't spoken about since I was in my very first hospital.. I started then to try and wall things back in again because it was the only way I was going to get out of there.. but since.. it's untouchable again. It feels like the silence is giving it all the strength back - giving HIM all the strength back.. I feel like I'm going backwards, and I know I need to talk.. but I don't know how to get to that point now - I don't know how to trust anymore and I can't risk the fragile coping I'm on at the moment. Ahh. What to do, what to do?!

Spending..

In an effort to cheer myself up I've spent money.. a LOT of money.. damn the stupid people for fucking things for so long, now having this money all at once makes it soo damn hard to not spend.. luckily, I'd already put a lot of it into my savings account. I should be receiving a; New 27" TV, Wii Fit game thingy and a new laptop :) I am happy I'm getting them, but I feel guilty despite the fact I shouldn't be.. *sigh* I really don't know what's going on in my head today.. On a more? positive note despite horrendous flashbacks and nightmares last night, I didn't cut again.

Stupidly Pointless Post. ♥

I know it's incredibly early to be worrying about this.. but I am terrified of April.

It is one hellish month for me, I've got lots of memories, lots of 'anniversary dates' if you like of bad things that have happened.. I don't wanna think about it right now, but I am.. Ahh. I wanna scream, why am I doing this to myself ALREADY?!? I know I'm worried because I've been coping 'generally' better for a while and only had occasional slips really, I'm scared this is gonna completely throw me off track. It's getting closer, I know we've got Febuary and March first, but things will be harder in March anyway purely BECAUSE it's so close to April.. Why does it all have to hurt so much. Sorry. Pointless post, but I'm stressing out already, I'm struggling to keep a handle on things but other than this week because of all the appointments, I have been doing well, even with self-harming; I nearly got to 3 months free, and before I started this one it was over 6 months free.. It does seem to be getting harder, and like I said, I realise it's getting to that time of year again and that I'm struggling more and more with that knowledge. Plus I've got a hectic year this year, moving out, back to college - if I'm accepted - and all this heart stuff. Everything is going to be new and I wanted it to be a new start, not something that creates havoc in my life trying to just GET TO THAT POINT. It's nearly 4:30 am.. damn I'm tired but sleeping is a mess it seems. If only I could sleep, might stop the worry for a while. Wow. I do complain alot. You guys must be fed up of me.

To Cut Or Not To Cut; That Is The Question.

Self-harm. Self-mutilation, Self-Injury.. 

Whatever you call it. Whatever you consider it. 

It all means the same thing.

Deliberating hurting yourself.

Wikipedia describes it as; Self-Harm

 "Intentional, direct injuring of body tissue without suicidal intent."

It's a coping strategy. 

It can bring pain or relief, numbness or feeling, punishment or attempts to cope. It can give you space and time to manage or avoid your feelings. And/or trigger even more feelings.

Self-Harm can be cutting, burning, scratching, banging or hitting body parts, interfering with wound healing, hair-pulling (trichotillomania) and the ingestion of toxic substances or objects.

I self-harm as a completely last resort. If I cut, then I've already done/tried every other technique I have within my grasp to tolerate/cope with/manage things and it hasn't helped/worked either at all or enough to mean I can tolerate the feelings again.. When I self-harm it is often self-harm or attempt suicide.. like a final barrier.. the last wall before all control is lost. 

How do you decide when it's okay to do something so negative. If it's okay to fast because then you wont cut, or conversely it's okay to cut because otherwise you wouldn't eat.. it's okay to self-harm if it'll stop you ODing or attempting suicide.. it's okay to self-harm rather then hurt someone else - it's okay to hurt yourself instead of someone else.. It's okay to run 6 miles because then you wont self-harm.. it's okay to drink this bottle of vodka so you don't self-harm.. It's okay to take a 'small' overdose so you wont take a bigger one, or so you'll sleep and wont have to deal with the feelings..

Where and when are the boundries, how do you decide upon them and how do you make sure you stick to them.. make sure you don't continue up to the next level.

When I feel like this - intense, intense agony yet numb at the same time, crying so hard I can barely breathe and dirty from memories, paranoid, terrified, like life is completely unbearable - is it okay to self-harm? Is it even a choice, I've already not eaten and walked 6 miles.. so would it be wrong for me to do the 'instead of' part of the deal anyway. I will try not to, and try not to break my deal.. 

But how do you deal with this? How does everyone else decide?
.

My Angel, My Devil And Everything Inbetween.

I feel terrible.

My dreams. 

Flashbacks. 

Thoughts. 

Memories. 

Feelings.

It's all against me. Aiming for me to really really hurt myself.. I don't know what to do! I truely don't wanna give in, I truely dont want to self-harm, I don't want to have these thoughts of killing myself.. I know, I'm weak, pathetic, I deserve to hurt this much.. I deserve it all but I just can't bear to have it all again.. this is the week.. doctors, care-co-ordinators and other randomers all within one week.. I don't like hospitals - in fact I hate hospitals!! And I'm going to have to be in one, for hours.. and knowing the fact that there never running on time, it'll probably be even longer then it's supposed to be anyway..I don't want to die - not yet. I need this achievement first, I need to make it to my very end goal weight.. it's all very well to be achieving my smaller goals.. but I've still got so far to go.. I will be strong. I will continue.. I will do this.. but these memories.. they haunt me. Break me. I think about him all the time, it's not fair he already had so many years of my life and he's still got me.. still scaring me, still making me feel like this. I want to sleep. I want to be able to properly sleep, and not wake up screaming.. not wake up crying, absolutely sobbing.. I want it all to stop hurting. It's been so long.. and I know last year was my first year without any contact with him.. but I cant take it.. It hurts. My head hurts, my chest hurts, my heart hurts, pounding and heavy, my eyes swollen from the tears.. but still it continues. This assault of my mind.. even now it's stopped, I don't feel any free-er, I was promised cutting off from him completely would make it better, but I'm still stuck, a hostage from my own mind. Why do I still love him! I'm stupid. Sick. It's ridiculous to love someone who has done the things he has done.. but everyone else forgets he once saved me.. the bullying.. the suicide attempts.. the one that I would never have survived if he hadn't of cut me down, family life and friendship problems.. despite everything.. he did good too.. maybe for his own selfish reasons others say, yeah, maybe it was.. but he still did it.. he could have let them beat me, again and again, he could have left me, let me die, let it all end, he didn't have to be waiting outside my house that time my mum hit me.. he didn't need to be there the time my boyfriend raped me.. of course he never knew [I dont think] that K had raped me, but upset and a mess nevertheless, he was still there.

I hate him, but I don't. He was evil, yet he wasn't. He saved me, yet destroyed what was left.

I hate the confusion in my head, in my own mind of how I feel about him and how I see him..

Everyone else says he's evil. So why do I have so many memories where I'm considering him my angel?

The Worst Month Of My Life *TRIG-Rape*

April 2004  13 years old

I got my first 'proper' boyfriend K, I say proper because I did find him attractive, I did like him and I didn't feel weird kissing him like I had with M [ex-boyfriend] despite the way things were with J. Things were okay; good okay, I was young things aren't supposed to be serious and complicated. I found out this month that my dad wasn't my biological father, I held it together carried my mum through her sorrow and upset and told my dad it didn't matter [but it did!] I was at K's house and we were alone, on his computer downstairs and messing around. I was joking around telling him he was gay when he flipped out, he pinned me against the wall and held my neck. He started unbuttoning my shirt [school uniform] and groped my breast then let me go. He turned back to the computer and acted as if nothing had happened. Later on he told me he had something to show me, took me upstairs and we sat for a while on his bed, he sorted out a movie and put it on. Typical teenage fashion - a movie comes on of course you have to start kissing - and that was fine. But then he started undoing my shirt again and despite me trying to stop him and telling him not to. He didn't listen, he sat on my legs and held my arms under his knees, he started groping my breasts again, but harder, he ran his hands down and over my stomach and then undid my trousers. I kept begging him, saying No but he wouldn't listen. He leant over the side of the bed and grabbed something silky and covered my eyes, terrified I started to completely freak out, he hit me and suddenly I found my hands being tied to his bed. I felt him pull my trousers down and with that, my underwear, he just touched me for a while then it stopped and the weight on the bed shifted. I thought maybe he'd gone and tried to untie myself with no luck but then he was back, he had taken his jeans and boxers off and he then joined me, I tried again to tell him not to, that I didn't want this, that he had to stop when he entered me. It hurt. Alot. I cried and kept telling him to stop and he kept telling me to shut up. Eventually he finished, and he sat on the bed and just said "I'm not gay" He untied me and left me to get dressed, within 10 minutes his mum was home and offered to take me home, I accepted, went home locked myself in the bathroom and cried under the shower.

The bullying from the group I was at school with finally came to a head, I hit the main one back after being beaten for an hour, once I did that, that group generally left me more alone. I was still being assaulted by other people, one girl tried to strangle me [in front of my sister] so everyone found out and the police were called, had to do statements and all that. So apart from her and another girl who didn't like me and punched me [and tried to strangle me] regularly I wasn't being beaten up by anyone other then J anymore.

Me and J argued, he didn't like K and K didn't like him, I was constantly trying to sort things out so they wouldn't kill each other. J didn't like the fact that K was my 'official' boyfriend and K didn't like how much J touched me and acted like he owned me. He knew I had dumped K but didn't know why and didn't know why I wouldn't tell him the 'truth' I'd told J that we'd argued and I'd just had enough of him generally. Which he was refusing to take as a reason. He stormed off somewhere and assuming he had left and feeling thankful he hadn't hit me, I sat down by the lake and just watched the water. Next thing I know I'm being pulled up, into a hug by J, at first he just hugged me, then he slid his hands, under my clothes onto my bum. I tried to pull away and he just undid my jeans, and tried to get them off. I was objecting and trying to do them back up when he flicked my feet from under me so I was on the floor, before I regained what I was doing he tugged down my jeans and pulled them off [I can't even recall where my shoes were] I begged him, "No, please no J, please don't, you dont have to do this, please"  I screamed. He hit me, he hit me so hard and told me if he heard another sound out of me he would make sure I never made it home tonight. He pulled down his joggers and boxers and roughly thrust into me. Only once it was all over and done with did I cry. I called for someone I've never wanted before in my life - My mum. He put his arms around me and said he was sorry, he said it would never happen again, but I'd annoyed him and I was looking too attractive and that he couldn't stop himself. He said to let him help me but I ignored him and rolled on my side, eventually he left and I tried to get home. I'd lost my phone out there, I don't recall where it went at all and I was late. I got home and as soon as I was through the door my mum was shouting at me for being late, then shouting some more when I told her I'd lost my phone. This time I went up, locked myself in the bathroom and sat cutting under the shower. He promised me it wouldn't happen again but it did. Within the next week. And then again and again. Increasing quickly until it was almost everyday. I don't remember most of them. I remember about 5ish times mostly I just recall waking up the next day or later on in the day and feeling/knowing like I had. [Girls just know when they've had sex, I'm sure it can't just be me] and having a completely blank periods increasingly often in my memory.

My self-harming increased dramatically and my friends noticed, my school work and behaviour slipped and the teachers noticed. I had people asking me again and again. What was wrong with me, why was I acting so different, so weird. I started attempting suicide regularly and got into an argument with a religious girl in my tutor when she'd noticed the bruises around my neck from a rope and told me I was going to hell. One teacher noticed marks on my neck and asked about them and I said it was an accident, another asked and insisted they looked self-inflicted and I told her my mum was sorting something out.

My then ex-boyfriend K had been sexually harrassing/assaulting/raping other girls in my year and so one of the teachers was talking to these girls, for some reason my name came up and I was called into her office to 'talk' I wanted to, but couldn't tell her, considering it was all my fault! I'd put myself in both situations and I annoyed them both. :/They believed something was up and contacted my mum to talk to me about it and in her tact she said to me "The school called about you and some boy, If I find out you've been being a slut my girl, you are beyond in trouble, so, have you got anything to say??" Hopefully it's needless to say that I didn't tell her.

On top of everything else, just to make all matters that bit worse. I started my period that month too.

'Professionals,' Stupid Advice && Struggling To Cope ♥

I recieved my first comment (: Does it make me slightly pathetic to be this happy about it? XD ClinicallyClueless ♥ I can offically LOVE YOU forever now (:

Okay, so slightly random note outta the way (: Things were bad today, still, but I think after reading my comment I felt a little more positive in trying to work through my [plentiful] techniques, I feel awful in some ways to know that people can relate, and in some ways the relief that some people can makes me feel sick about myself.. because in that I am asking that people have been through some truely horrific things. Obviously thats not quite what I mean but I still feel bad about it. I am not going to be blind-sighted over it all; things things DO happen, and they happen with a frequency that is digusting in the terms of how many people think it's okay to do it. I'm not sure what other people find useful with flashbacks, but I generally use distraction. With my old therapist we had a couple of 'games' we would play; either working our way through the different senses trying to name between 3-5 things for each, or keeping my eyes closed trying to name things that are in the room [without peeking] or she'd ask specific questions like "What colour is the chair by the door".. which we did depended on how much more triggering it would have been for me to keep my eyes closed for a longer period. Obviously without someone else who knows me well enough, I struggle to generally catch myself before I completely slip into it, I'm sometimes too far gone for these kinda things to work. If I'm truely honest, I find hurting myself tends to be a fairly good way of 'bringing myself back' but I don't like resorting to that, either to bring myself out or to deal with the pain after.. I'm trying to deal with things with 'positive coping strategies' but they never seem to work/help like the negative ones do.. it's not fair.. Any ideas or ways other people have/use would be incredibly welcome! I'm so beyond fed up with being told that I'm CHOOSING to continue these negative behaviours, and although in some ways, yes, of course I am choosing to do this but then what else am I supposed to do. If they keep having to  get the police bringing me into the psych ward they wouldn't be amused but despite that instead of trying to help me cope without attempting suicide, they choose to get stroppy over ways that do help me cope. Ergh. If I have another idiot 'professional' tell me to take a bath and have a hot drink I will scream. It takes a hell of a lot for me to admit to ANYONE that I've 'lost control' and that I need help, if I'm asking for help I am so far beyond 'having a bath and hot drink' if I'm asking for help, I truely truely need it, I need support, right then and there because if I come away from my attempt to get help with stupid, unhelpful [for that time] advice I am pretty much definately going to do something. Then after all of that, I get told my 'attempt' was stupid, impulsive and that I need to learn to ASK FOR HELP! Omg, I am going to kill that stupid pathetic excuse for an AMHP! For one, it's never stupid if that's how you feel/felt, two, it was not impulsive; it took me weeks, maybe even months to get to this point and you dare to tell me I didn't think it over enough, three, I fucking did ask for help and to be fair, when I have a bazillion tablets right in front of me, I definately need more then to be told to have a bath. I do realise that I am sooo negative alot of the time, I'm sorry, I really am but things have been getting steadily worse again and I'm struggling to see the light at the end of this tunnel anymore. - Just a quick note those comments I got from the AMHP was over 6 months ago.. It just still annoys me so much -
I am struggling so much, yet no-one wants to hear it, I'm moving at some point next year, will be possibly dropping my CPN and I absolutely hate my psych [not exactly a change for next year, except I will have to start communicating with him myself which is going to be problematic] . I did not self-harm today, despite the flashbacks and everything.. although I did fast and walked 18miles so I suppose it would depend on your perspective on whether thats a positive thing or not.. I hate my team but have already been through so many [through no fault of my own] that I am not able to change in any way again anytime soon. I also wonder if anyone else has had the confusion of loving/hating there abuser? Sorry again for all the negativity :/

Rip My Heart Apart && Tear Up My Soul.

I've been having flashbacks intensely in the last few hours, this has been the first proper break I've had from them where I have calmed my crying enough to see, my breathing to not feel light-headed and my shaking to a point where I can actually type. Man. This sucks, I haven't had it like that for a while.. [when I say a while I mean a week] and it always hurts extra every time it reoccurs. It used to be like this constantly, so I can see the progress in only normally having maybe one this bad a week, maybe even once a fortnight. My head is pounding. My heart is pounding.. I'm shivering and shaking and damn, I wanna cut so much!! Seriously.. I don't know what to do, I'm fed up of all this, please help me. Why did all this shit have to happen to me! To be fair, why does this kinda stuff happen at all!! When does someone ever think - "you know what even if someone says 'No' they don't actually mean it" Crying? - putting it on.. Throws up after - just weak. Im tired, I'm tired and fed up of this all being in my head, just go away. GO AWAY! Please. I can't take anymore, it all hurts so soo much. Remembering him, feeling him, smelling him. It's not fair,  I don't wanna do this anymore. I can't keep feeling like this. Why can't I just forget. I don't wanna know how much of everything is my fault, I can't take it, the pain and pressure. Building. Built inside me. I feel sick. I'm scared. I don't know how to make this better anymore. Nothing helps anymore! Please just stop..