Cycle Of This Life Must End Now.

Back when my Nan was young, things that are considered abuse was normal. Due to her illnesses she was abusive to my Mum and Uncles, physically and emotionally. Not that being ill is an excuse - but she thought my Mum was the devil and things, tried beating the 'evil' out of her. When my Mum was very ill still and getting some of her first memories back, she had some memories of being touched inappropriately [sexually] when she would have been very young - about 5 years. By her father. This was clarified by her elder brother - who had caught him at times and being older understood it more. It was hard to hear. Horrible in fact. My Grandad died when my Mum was 12 so I've never met him and before my Mums illness and these memories he was a kind of 'hero' in the family. My Mum always considered herself a 'Daddies Girl' although never seemed able to explain why this was the case. I've been thinking about this alot recently. It explains so much. The way she was with me, our relationship, the problems and differences in abilities of parenting from my Mum and my Dad, but with Mum being the one at home all the time. Dad wasn't about enough to make up for the way Mum was. And then he was never mine anyway. My Mum, completely unintentionally [I think] messed me up - and since all this came to light it's all made so much more sense and logic - BUT I am worrying about my own future so much more since this all came out. Now, I know my Mum loves me, I know she cares - in her own way. I understand that most of the anger wasn't actually caused by me, I just seemed to be someone who triggered it off. I know that now.. but at 5 when my Mum wouldn't look at me for weeks, when Mum would send me to Nan's because she couldn't cope with me and my little sister at the same time.. at 7 when she would scream and shout and tell me she hated me, that I'd ruined her life and any chances of her making anything of herself, that she just wanted me to go, still spending so much time at my Nan's. At 9, trying to kill myself, hurting myself, hitting my head on walls, punching things, feeling like I was gonna break but that it didn't matter because Mum hated me anyway. Meeting J, falling apart more. But then I was sick, evil, twisted little girl who was hated by everybody. Why would I expect any different; even if he did promise to be my best friend. Getting off track now, but you know what I mean.
I'm worried that despite all my best intentions I will end up screwing up my children. I don't have any yet and no plans anytime soon, but I cant help but think and worry that that's how it will be with my children. That I'll be so focused on my own pain I'll lash out at whoever's closest. I don't wanna mess up my children. I want this all to stop. I wanna stop this cycle here.

Feeling A Mess

 

I am hurting so much right now.. I can't even describe it.. 

It doesn't  seem real that I can feel like this; again. 

 

I feel so trapped, a bubble inside of me is refusing to burst. 

I'm trying to contain everything but at the same time,  

needing to appear completely fine to everyone else.

I can't stop thinking about cutting, or self-harm in general; 

overdosing, burning, hitting things, hitting myself.. Intrusively intense. 

The thoughts just will NOT leave my mind, constantly there,

thoughts, feelings, ideas and plans.. I feel so bad, I feel alone, 

I am scared!

I'm not eating, fasting if you like, controlling, enjoying the pain of 

hunger in some ways, fearing it in others.. feeling dizzy, light-headed 

and head-achey already, but I won't give in. I can't let go of this; 

My only lifeline. I lost 4 pounds during yesterday I found out this 

morning.. I can do this, I need to do this.

 Everything's that happened with him in stuck in my mind. 

On replay. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and nightmares.

Memories, painful, painful memories, all I can think is 

that I'm a SLUT. I know it, and everyone else knew it.

J knew it.. I know it's MY fault, I'm willing to take the blame,

I just need it to stop hurting me so much..

 

BUT I can't talk about it, I can't tell anyone. I can't ruin my silence.

It's the only thing holding me together - despite ripping me apart.

I don't have the strength to go through it all, to admit to it all..

Plus I need everyone to think I'm okay, that everythings fine, all

wonderful and dandy..

The word. Hurts so much, everyone says that it's a 'horrible

word for a horrible act' but it hurts, having people tell me

that I was raped, saying that word.. it's triggering, 

it's easier to not mention it.. I know I would say different

to anyone else who was in the same position but I just

don't wanna hear it.. I'm hurting too much right now..

 Suicide. It feels like the only way out. 

I don't want to hurt anymore, cry anymore,

cut anymore.. think and remember anymore.

But I always will whilst alive. 

I can't do this anymore.

Once I reach my goal weight.

I shall go.

I need to have this success before I leave,

so I'm not a complete failure.

ESA Lady (:

So as part of getting my ESA benefits, I have to do some meetings with A; ESA Lady. I'm in the 'Support' group so we don't really do much constructive..but just someone else who can open other doors for me I suppose.. this is only the second time I've seen her, and she's my second person. I LOVE her..seriously, she is amazing, we're SOO like-minded. She's funny, cheerful and has a pretty good knowledge of most things, both mental and physical health..it's times when I meet people like her and I wonder how I ended up with such a shit mental health team when someone who works with mental health, although in a different area, is so, so much better as a whole at working with me.. We had a good chat, random things, and then moved on to the tasks I was set; I had completed both infact over so for one, because instead of just getting the prospectus and 'browsing' college courses, I got a prospectus, browsed, chose a course and applied.   

She was thrilled (: 

Haha, damn, I'm such a people pleaser when I'm able to be. 

We spoke about my Care-Co-Ordinator and how;

"yes, she is out of order for not having read my file and that no, I'm not just being sensitive and reading too much into this" 

or something.. she was completely shocked.. 'furious' was her word so maybe angry is more appropriate.Talked about my heart, about my family, worries - my anxiety is often a mess when I see her thanks to the long bus journey and public place bit of it all.. and then more random stuff and talks of and about her own life - she has a daughter about my age.

This appointments new tasks are;

I have to write questions for my appointment tommorrow with the doctors down, so I don't forget them even once I'm in a complete and utter panic over it all && to continue to look after myself and my health. Now I've come to write the questions I had - I can't remember them.. fuck.

To Cut Or Not To Cut; That Is The Question.

Self-harm. Self-mutilation, Self-Injury.. 

Whatever you call it. Whatever you consider it. 

It all means the same thing.

Deliberating hurting yourself.

Wikipedia describes it as; Self-Harm

 "Intentional, direct injuring of body tissue without suicidal intent."

It's a coping strategy. 

It can bring pain or relief, numbness or feeling, punishment or attempts to cope. It can give you space and time to manage or avoid your feelings. And/or trigger even more feelings.

Self-Harm can be cutting, burning, scratching, banging or hitting body parts, interfering with wound healing, hair-pulling (trichotillomania) and the ingestion of toxic substances or objects.

I self-harm as a completely last resort. If I cut, then I've already done/tried every other technique I have within my grasp to tolerate/cope with/manage things and it hasn't helped/worked either at all or enough to mean I can tolerate the feelings again.. When I self-harm it is often self-harm or attempt suicide.. like a final barrier.. the last wall before all control is lost. 

How do you decide when it's okay to do something so negative. If it's okay to fast because then you wont cut, or conversely it's okay to cut because otherwise you wouldn't eat.. it's okay to self-harm if it'll stop you ODing or attempting suicide.. it's okay to self-harm rather then hurt someone else - it's okay to hurt yourself instead of someone else.. It's okay to run 6 miles because then you wont self-harm.. it's okay to drink this bottle of vodka so you don't self-harm.. It's okay to take a 'small' overdose so you wont take a bigger one, or so you'll sleep and wont have to deal with the feelings..

Where and when are the boundries, how do you decide upon them and how do you make sure you stick to them.. make sure you don't continue up to the next level.

When I feel like this - intense, intense agony yet numb at the same time, crying so hard I can barely breathe and dirty from memories, paranoid, terrified, like life is completely unbearable - is it okay to self-harm? Is it even a choice, I've already not eaten and walked 6 miles.. so would it be wrong for me to do the 'instead of' part of the deal anyway. I will try not to, and try not to break my deal.. 

But how do you deal with this? How does everyone else decide?
.

My Angel, My Devil And Everything Inbetween.

I feel terrible.

My dreams. 

Flashbacks. 

Thoughts. 

Memories. 

Feelings.

It's all against me. Aiming for me to really really hurt myself.. I don't know what to do! I truely don't wanna give in, I truely dont want to self-harm, I don't want to have these thoughts of killing myself.. I know, I'm weak, pathetic, I deserve to hurt this much.. I deserve it all but I just can't bear to have it all again.. this is the week.. doctors, care-co-ordinators and other randomers all within one week.. I don't like hospitals - in fact I hate hospitals!! And I'm going to have to be in one, for hours.. and knowing the fact that there never running on time, it'll probably be even longer then it's supposed to be anyway..I don't want to die - not yet. I need this achievement first, I need to make it to my very end goal weight.. it's all very well to be achieving my smaller goals.. but I've still got so far to go.. I will be strong. I will continue.. I will do this.. but these memories.. they haunt me. Break me. I think about him all the time, it's not fair he already had so many years of my life and he's still got me.. still scaring me, still making me feel like this. I want to sleep. I want to be able to properly sleep, and not wake up screaming.. not wake up crying, absolutely sobbing.. I want it all to stop hurting. It's been so long.. and I know last year was my first year without any contact with him.. but I cant take it.. It hurts. My head hurts, my chest hurts, my heart hurts, pounding and heavy, my eyes swollen from the tears.. but still it continues. This assault of my mind.. even now it's stopped, I don't feel any free-er, I was promised cutting off from him completely would make it better, but I'm still stuck, a hostage from my own mind. Why do I still love him! I'm stupid. Sick. It's ridiculous to love someone who has done the things he has done.. but everyone else forgets he once saved me.. the bullying.. the suicide attempts.. the one that I would never have survived if he hadn't of cut me down, family life and friendship problems.. despite everything.. he did good too.. maybe for his own selfish reasons others say, yeah, maybe it was.. but he still did it.. he could have let them beat me, again and again, he could have left me, let me die, let it all end, he didn't have to be waiting outside my house that time my mum hit me.. he didn't need to be there the time my boyfriend raped me.. of course he never knew [I dont think] that K had raped me, but upset and a mess nevertheless, he was still there.

I hate him, but I don't. He was evil, yet he wasn't. He saved me, yet destroyed what was left.

I hate the confusion in my head, in my own mind of how I feel about him and how I see him..

Everyone else says he's evil. So why do I have so many memories where I'm considering him my angel?

Hello New Year, I've Been Expecting You ♥

Well.. this year has been one hell of a challenge! 

♥ I have OD'd too many times to count, 

♥ I started being hospitalised [adult style ;)] repeatedly.  

♥ I had my first psychotic episode - which they now can't decide if it was - hearing voices, seeing things and believing the government were out to get me because I had secret information hidden in my subconsious that they wanted. 

♥ I had my first decent period of time without the abuse and therefore memories, flashbacks, dreams and thoughts went into overdrive worse then ever before.  

♥ I first told someone about the 'agreement' between me and my abuser.  

♥ Me and Mum getting closer, trying to try and work through some things.  

♥ Mum having an 'emotional' affair whilst she insists nothing physical happened.  
♥ Mum and Dad splitting up.. Mum and Dad getting back together.  

♥ My mum almost dying, spending 7 months between hospital and rehabilitation [I meanwhile developed and maintained an amazing relationship with the rest of my family -Dad and all 3 sisters- who all admitted -without her there- that Mum had made things harder in terms of having a relationship with me]  

♥ Struggled with Mum throughout her not remembering me [anyone, except Dad] her difficulties, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of belief in how she 'used to be'    

♥ My first hypo/manic episode; spending nearly £2000 in under 2 months, reckless, overconfident and hyposexual - I pierced my own lip, I met strangers for sex [considering I don't like/enjoy sex] plus made a few relationships I already had difficult with either having/offering sex to them. I felt I was amazing, attractive, great in bed and how I had a theories about stuff regarding psychiatry and similar things.  

♥ I became catatonic. I didn't get out of bed for weeks. Lost a fair bit of weight. 

♥ Triggered both by my sexual behaviours when higher, flashbacks and the weight loss I started up alot of my ED behaviours without realising it, until I look back in hindsight and feel too lost/safe in them again to change despite knowing the risks.

I started the year being abused on rare occasions only,  self-harming constantly and attempting suicide was a means of escaping anything, I refused to acknowledge my abuse and rapes and the memories of my bullying. My relationships with my family, but mostly my Mum, were poor and I had abandonment issues with my best friend with put our relationship into such a seriousness that we for a while lost the fun of it. I constantly argued with my 'team' and refused to co-operate in a childish manner. I'd only had one care-co-ordinator and one psychiatrist at that point. At the beginning of this year, death was very much my only wish, I hadn't wanted to start the year and [unwillingly] passed many dates of which my death was welcome.

I'm ending the year saying I haven't been abused in nearly a year, I don't self-harm very often and I haven't attempted suicide [despite wanting to, feeling like I need to] in 7 odd months. I recognise my abuse and trauma and although can still be fairly dismissive of it [because I feel others have been through so much worse, so I shouldn't complain] I am willing to accept that due to it I do struggle with some things that other people might not and instead of seeing it as a weakness I know try to see it as something else to just work with/around. My relationships with my family are really pretty good, it's still up and down with my Mum but I refuse to let it get to me anymore and knowing she can't stop me seeing my sisters like she used to do, makes things easier. Me and my best friend have come from strength to strength, we have had many changes this year, and although there have been struggles, we're still here, out the other side, expecting more. I work hard to be honest with my team [although I struggle to talk to my psychiatrist cause he's a male] and I'm not perfect but it's improving. I'm ending this year now having got to my third care-co-ordinator and my second psychiatrist. I still think about suicide often/plan suicide all the time but I'm getting better at not following through with my thoughts and plans. I have made it this year past all my bad dates, all these anniversaries and even though I know I am once again the 'wrong' side of my worst month, I am hoping I can try and continue this through, because trying is all I can do. I am not expecting a better year, because good things are just not handed to you. I will try and make myself a good year. For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to trying; looking forward to this challenge.

P.S. I also wanted to say that in this year, I haven't been on any medication for a sustained period due to me overdosing on it all the time and I haven't had any psychological intervention [just assessments; which recommended I have some!] at all within the year. All the improvements; as slight as they are. Were me. Just me and my effort and determination. (:

EDIT: P.P.S. I have never heard myself sound soo positive.. it's quite wierd cause I generally don't think like that, I'm normally extremely negative and pessamistic and I wouldn't say reading that back, that that's how it sounds/feels in my mind. No wonder I confuse my team. Meh. (:

'Professionals,' Stupid Advice && Struggling To Cope ♥

I recieved my first comment (: Does it make me slightly pathetic to be this happy about it? XD ClinicallyClueless ♥ I can offically LOVE YOU forever now (:

Okay, so slightly random note outta the way (: Things were bad today, still, but I think after reading my comment I felt a little more positive in trying to work through my [plentiful] techniques, I feel awful in some ways to know that people can relate, and in some ways the relief that some people can makes me feel sick about myself.. because in that I am asking that people have been through some truely horrific things. Obviously thats not quite what I mean but I still feel bad about it. I am not going to be blind-sighted over it all; things things DO happen, and they happen with a frequency that is digusting in the terms of how many people think it's okay to do it. I'm not sure what other people find useful with flashbacks, but I generally use distraction. With my old therapist we had a couple of 'games' we would play; either working our way through the different senses trying to name between 3-5 things for each, or keeping my eyes closed trying to name things that are in the room [without peeking] or she'd ask specific questions like "What colour is the chair by the door".. which we did depended on how much more triggering it would have been for me to keep my eyes closed for a longer period. Obviously without someone else who knows me well enough, I struggle to generally catch myself before I completely slip into it, I'm sometimes too far gone for these kinda things to work. If I'm truely honest, I find hurting myself tends to be a fairly good way of 'bringing myself back' but I don't like resorting to that, either to bring myself out or to deal with the pain after.. I'm trying to deal with things with 'positive coping strategies' but they never seem to work/help like the negative ones do.. it's not fair.. Any ideas or ways other people have/use would be incredibly welcome! I'm so beyond fed up with being told that I'm CHOOSING to continue these negative behaviours, and although in some ways, yes, of course I am choosing to do this but then what else am I supposed to do. If they keep having to  get the police bringing me into the psych ward they wouldn't be amused but despite that instead of trying to help me cope without attempting suicide, they choose to get stroppy over ways that do help me cope. Ergh. If I have another idiot 'professional' tell me to take a bath and have a hot drink I will scream. It takes a hell of a lot for me to admit to ANYONE that I've 'lost control' and that I need help, if I'm asking for help I am so far beyond 'having a bath and hot drink' if I'm asking for help, I truely truely need it, I need support, right then and there because if I come away from my attempt to get help with stupid, unhelpful [for that time] advice I am pretty much definately going to do something. Then after all of that, I get told my 'attempt' was stupid, impulsive and that I need to learn to ASK FOR HELP! Omg, I am going to kill that stupid pathetic excuse for an AMHP! For one, it's never stupid if that's how you feel/felt, two, it was not impulsive; it took me weeks, maybe even months to get to this point and you dare to tell me I didn't think it over enough, three, I fucking did ask for help and to be fair, when I have a bazillion tablets right in front of me, I definately need more then to be told to have a bath. I do realise that I am sooo negative alot of the time, I'm sorry, I really am but things have been getting steadily worse again and I'm struggling to see the light at the end of this tunnel anymore. - Just a quick note those comments I got from the AMHP was over 6 months ago.. It just still annoys me so much -
I am struggling so much, yet no-one wants to hear it, I'm moving at some point next year, will be possibly dropping my CPN and I absolutely hate my psych [not exactly a change for next year, except I will have to start communicating with him myself which is going to be problematic] . I did not self-harm today, despite the flashbacks and everything.. although I did fast and walked 18miles so I suppose it would depend on your perspective on whether thats a positive thing or not.. I hate my team but have already been through so many [through no fault of my own] that I am not able to change in any way again anytime soon. I also wonder if anyone else has had the confusion of loving/hating there abuser? Sorry again for all the negativity :/

Post-Christmas ♥

So. Over. Finished. Complete.
Yet I feel so ergh over having so nothing to occupy me now.. the last few weeks have been so occupied with sorting out christmas and trying to sort out what I was doing this year.. I'm not sure about new years yet, I think maybe some more time with the family? Hmm.. More thought is needed!! This ergh-ness is getting me down, all day I've been back home and most of what I can think about is cutting. All I wanna do is cut.. and yet I don't really know why. I've felt worse then this before and normally it takes so much for me to need to, let alone for me to give in and do it. I was hoping I'd feel better once it was all over but it doesn't seem like that's whats going to happen. I'm so confused.. I want all the shit thats in my head to go away.. for everything to just fuck off and leave me alone. I dont wanna sit here and remember these things. These things that hurt so much. Damn you memory! Struggle to remember the good times yet you have no problem remembering the bad times.. I'm back to fasting tomorrow.. and although thats a relief I know it's gonna be hard to do it again, after eating more normally over christmas.. I have eaten a little today, but without exercise; it's all gonna be thrown back in together tommorow so hopefully I'll feel better for that. We'll see. I know I feel like a failure for eating and 'giving in' over christmas but I'm hoping it wont take me too long to re-lose it, well.. I can hope, just gotta keep hope I suppose. Hoping everyone else has had a good Christmas.. I know this can be a really hard time of year for others aswell.

Feeling Stupid :/

  Is it ridiculously pathetic for to still miss her;

despite having not seen her or heard from her for over a year and a half??

I feel stupid.

Pathetic!

But I miss her so much.

I dont actually know why I miss her so much.

She didn't actually care, it was just her job. 

But it still hurts. 

I miss you. Still..

I still need you.

I hate how you didn't really say a proper goodbye. 

A letter means nothing. 

A job. 

I was only ever your job

  

 

You Can Take Me, But Not My Dreams ♥

You were supposed to save me.  

Instead you broke me more.

I loved you. 

I LOVE you!

Yet pretty much every memory I have of you is painful.

Why can't I think about you without feeling sick.

Tears filling my eyes, fear, pain, desperation..

I wish I could hate you like I want to.

Tonight I would like to sleep and not think of you. 

Not remember you touching me, holding me, hurting me..

I don't want to remember how much I cried. 

Everytime you used my problematic family relationships against me.

I can still feel you on me. Smell you near. 

Can you feel my fear? Or would that be too close to reality for you?

I don't want to think about how I am to blame..

How 'I wanted this' and how much of a 'tease' I am.

I don't wanna see your eyes flash; that warning sign..

To realise I am not safe, I'm not your's, but again, I'm still not mine.

Your ownership and possession of my body; of my mind.

Bruised, battered, blood and pain.

I still don't want to hear that you are sorry, again.

Promises upon promises. 

Broken, again and again.

I want MY mind back, my body, my soul. 

Despite the 9 months since I last saw you.. 

You still have me. 

All of me. Every last part.

My first and last thoughts.

Haunting my days and in turn, playing with my dreams.

The thrill I'm sure you'd feel if you knew all this.

You've caused me irrepairable damage.

And I still love you. 

And I hate it.

What do I have to do to let go?

MY J, would never have hurt me like you have.

Was MY J an act? Did he even exist at all?

♥ "Why do I love you? 

Don't even want to.

Why do I love you like I, 

like I always do" ♥

Sleep [Or Lack Of Anything Else]

At the moment I'm in the low of my mood cycle :/ Sucks, but whatever. I'm in it, and I'm shattered. Seriously. Constantly drowsy, if I'm don't get like 16 hours sleep then I'm a complete mess! Irritable, unable to focus, all the nice usual things that come with lack of sleep.. although I feel like a freak because I get them when I've slept like 12 odd hours.. Obviously this is the wrong time of year to need to sleep this much.. I am struggling to get everything organised like I need to and it's causing me even more stress over it all. So for the last couple of months I've been sleeping like this, in terms of getting everything else sorted I'm managing except social life is kinda down the drain.. but these last couple of days I've been feeling worse, emotionally/mentally.. the thoughts of self-harm and suicide a more focal point in my mind now, and that's getting me down even more. I believe it's the "lack" of sleep over the last couple of weeks where I've been busier with christmas and all that but I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to enjoy christmas at all.. cause I'm either so tired I'm paying nothing else any attention, or all I can think about is hurting myself. :/ I haven't been 'low' at christmas for a few years and with all thats gone on this year I was hoping this would be able to be a really good year.. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm stressed plus god knows what else and it's all cycling and making the other feelings consequently worse. I realise thats whats happening, but don't seem to know how to stop it.. My team are useless. I have been told to have a routine; have hot drinks and baths.. although I'm sure these must work for some people - they must get this shit advice from somewhere - I know they do not work for me.. I have ALWAYS had messed up sleep. Even as a kid, it used to drive my mum mad cause I either couldn't [in her eyes, wouldn't] sleep at all or it's all I wanted to do. To be fair, that hasn't particularly changed, but I'm sure you can appreciate that since being a child, and I'm talking 3/4 my sleep has been screwed [my mum said it always has been including when I was a baby, but I don't want to include when I was 2/3ish years because my sister came along and I can imagine that wouldn't have helped my sleeping.] so in 16 years I've had messed up sleep.. I have tried and tested every imaginable and possible chance of something that may help one sleep. From extremely specific bed-time routines with baths and hot drinks to relaxing music and soothing lights.. so you can see why it fustrates me to keep getting the same replies.. it's not like I'm after sleeping tablets. I dont want them. I've had them. Been re-offered them. It's not what I want, they work fine whilst I'm on them, but once I'm off them its screwed again.. and I don't wanna be on things that can be so dangerous and addictive for long.. so I fail to see the point to try them again. The difference is obviously I don't want help to sleep, for these couple of months I'm sleeping fine.. too much, but fine. I just need some useful techniques to stop the [illogical] tiredness screwing up everything else. I only need to manage for the next week at most really, then I can just give in for a while.. but I don't wanna self-harm and I don't want to kill myself.. which makes the thoughts and images all the more distressing. I don't really have many good coping strategies.. it's hard to get ones that consistently work because my moods change to extremes and they change ability to focus on other things and ability to remember other things to do. The only thing I really do do alot is use distraction.. but my team are worried that I'm taking it too far and am entering 'avoidance' So either way I can't win; I have a technique that works/helps and I'm not supposed to use it because it works to well :/ I'm trying to stay aware and I know that, even though I'm not struggling as much as I know I can, if I just leave it it'll just get worse, I try and do something about it now, and no-one takes any notice because I'm not yet at a point where I'm about the try and jump in front of a train. These stupid services are going to be the death of me yet.

Newbie (:

Haii (:
I am me. (: Alot of my own information I will choose to keep private due to not wanting my blog to be found by certain people in my real life. I am young, not 20 years yet. Yet things have been difficult my whole life; as far as I remember. Most of my memories are of struggling with one thing or another. I am in the adult mental health services - and they suck! I am sorry to those people who work in the services and are truely good and caring, but are incredibly let down by the load of idiots who work there for god knows what reason because they do not give a flying fuck and actually seem to get a kick outta watching me struggle. Maybe I'm just particularly unlucky in terms of when I've had my team handed out, I don't know, but I have found most of my team to be incompetent idiots who know nothing about recent mental health and trauma. I have been with my CMHT since June09 and have had 2 psychs and 3 Care-Co-ordinators; in forms of a social worker, a CPN and an OT.. to be fair I don't actually care much what their qualification is.. I just want them to listen and to try and understand. I can remember HATING it when I was in CAMHs but seriously, there mess ups are NOTHING compared to how much my adult team manage to screw up.. I am willing to say I did not make things easy for my first Care-Co-ordinator; I was fresh out of hospital, kicked outta the family home and the transition period was, well.. non-existent. I saw my CAMHs social worker once whilst I was in hospital and that was it.. I met my adult social worker a couple of weeks before I left hospital, to almost leave hospital and be told that the person I'd met before wasn't actually going to be my social worker, she was just someone to meet me as who was mine was on holiday. Finally met him at my discharge meeting - HIM - because of past abuse issues I'd requested to not have a male.. I know theres problems with sharing out clients sometimes but I KNEW I would not be able to be honest properly with him due to not wanting to feel vunerable in front of him. Not his fault I know, and even though I'd tried to counter-act this happening, it still managed to make me look like a difficult, un-co-operative stroppy teenager because I wasn't able to tell him when I was struggling. I have been bullied, abused and emotionally neglected through out most of my life and they wonder why I have 'trust issues' God damn.. these 'professionals' really piss me off sometimes. I dissociate regularly and have relationship and trust issues.. I have high's so high I feel I could do anything, I won't sleep for days and when I do, a couple of hours will do, not eating feels normal and crashing into lows where I easily sleep 20 odd hours a day for a month or more.. crying, wanting to die, anxiety, self-harm and suicide attempts.. Or I hallucinate.. voices, people.. delusional ideas of plans to 'get' me and harm me in various ways. I have nightmares and flashbacks and have not yet found someone who understands it all.. I am fed up of being told I'm 'difficult' when to be honest, it's the only things keeping me alive. I have better relationships with my family again.. but it's not the same. I wont get back those years I needed and wanted care and love. I wont get back all the times I've hurt myself because my mum just wouldn't give a fuck. The nights other people have managed to hurt me because my mum chose to lock me out so I wandered about all night. They say they know.. that they understand. They understand jack-shit. They don't know me and they don't know whats going on in my head. I do not expect them to be mind-readers, of course, but they have never took the time to find out. They have worked with so-and-so who had bipolar, another who had bpd and many people with trauma issues.. so they KNOW.. bullshit. If they ever took the time to listen, they'd realise just how much they really don't know. And maybe, thats what there scared of.