Stupidly Pointless Post. ♥

I know it's incredibly early to be worrying about this.. but I am terrified of April.

It is one hellish month for me, I've got lots of memories, lots of 'anniversary dates' if you like of bad things that have happened.. I don't wanna think about it right now, but I am.. Ahh. I wanna scream, why am I doing this to myself ALREADY?!? I know I'm worried because I've been coping 'generally' better for a while and only had occasional slips really, I'm scared this is gonna completely throw me off track. It's getting closer, I know we've got Febuary and March first, but things will be harder in March anyway purely BECAUSE it's so close to April.. Why does it all have to hurt so much. Sorry. Pointless post, but I'm stressing out already, I'm struggling to keep a handle on things but other than this week because of all the appointments, I have been doing well, even with self-harming; I nearly got to 3 months free, and before I started this one it was over 6 months free.. It does seem to be getting harder, and like I said, I realise it's getting to that time of year again and that I'm struggling more and more with that knowledge. Plus I've got a hectic year this year, moving out, back to college - if I'm accepted - and all this heart stuff. Everything is going to be new and I wanted it to be a new start, not something that creates havoc in my life trying to just GET TO THAT POINT. It's nearly 4:30 am.. damn I'm tired but sleeping is a mess it seems. If only I could sleep, might stop the worry for a while. Wow. I do complain alot. You guys must be fed up of me.

Heart Appointment - 20/1/11

So, big appointment of the week.

Met up with Dr B - my specialist doctor for my heart 'crap' yesterday and he's concerned..My heart is a mess; it's too thick, apparently all over rather then just the septum - which is a problem in itself and my blood pressure is screwed because it's not able to respond to anything properly [exertion or rest] so hence, fainting or near fainting spells. Rythmn is bad, but not the biggest concern although it could be making the others worse.. Ah. He wants me to have a pacemaker. An ICD to be more specific. I have decisions to make, options to consider and to be honest, I just feel completely overwhelmed. As unlikely as it would have been I was seriously hoping I'd go in and he'd tell me it was all a big mistake, there's not a problem/not as bigger problem as they first thought.. Meh.. stressful times indeed. Maybe it's avoidance, I don't know, I expect so though, I also am considering delaying the next 'steps' because I know the longer I take to make decisions, the further away all the BIG steps will be.. It's basically once I've made the decisions then it'll just be a matter of meeting and checking again, and then organising the op. To be honest. Just getting to, being at and STAYING at this appointment was hell. I freaked out for a while before, but more lower level anxiety getting worse as it got closer.. by 11:30am on Friday morning I was a wreck.. a complete and utter mess and falling apart and crying, generally not wanting to go to my appointment. Ended up going in the end, had a test done, waited a while - this time not being too bad because the waiting room was fairly empty - I got called in and talked a little to him, he spoke about concerns, and asked if I'd do another test for him, he went and spoke to someone who took me in straight away and did it then, finished with all that and went back to the waiting room - this time a lot harder because it was packed; seriously busy. Thankfully he only saw one other person before he called me back in to tell me the good news. [sarcasm] Oh joy, a pacemaker, I've always wanted one of them.. Huff. Madness, it all feels unfair, shouldn't I not have to think about these kinda things until I'm like 50/60 years old.. The whole thing of course being made worse by the fact I spent a good load of time that day half naked with men.. Damn. But I'm scared. Of thinking about it. Of making the wrong choice. Of choosing AT ALL. It's all whirling around my head, a massively big, overwhelming mess.

ESA Lady (:

So as part of getting my ESA benefits, I have to do some meetings with A; ESA Lady. I'm in the 'Support' group so we don't really do much constructive..but just someone else who can open other doors for me I suppose.. this is only the second time I've seen her, and she's my second person. I LOVE her..seriously, she is amazing, we're SOO like-minded. She's funny, cheerful and has a pretty good knowledge of most things, both mental and physical health..it's times when I meet people like her and I wonder how I ended up with such a shit mental health team when someone who works with mental health, although in a different area, is so, so much better as a whole at working with me.. We had a good chat, random things, and then moved on to the tasks I was set; I had completed both infact over so for one, because instead of just getting the prospectus and 'browsing' college courses, I got a prospectus, browsed, chose a course and applied.   

She was thrilled (: 

Haha, damn, I'm such a people pleaser when I'm able to be. 

We spoke about my Care-Co-Ordinator and how;

"yes, she is out of order for not having read my file and that no, I'm not just being sensitive and reading too much into this" 

or something.. she was completely shocked.. 'furious' was her word so maybe angry is more appropriate.Talked about my heart, about my family, worries - my anxiety is often a mess when I see her thanks to the long bus journey and public place bit of it all.. and then more random stuff and talks of and about her own life - she has a daughter about my age.

This appointments new tasks are;

I have to write questions for my appointment tommorrow with the doctors down, so I don't forget them even once I'm in a complete and utter panic over it all && to continue to look after myself and my health. Now I've come to write the questions I had - I can't remember them.. fuck.

Care Co-Ordinator Appointment

She actually asked what I was having flashbacks about.. 

I assumed she meant which memories were causing the biggest problems.. 

but no, she confessed to having not even read my file! 

She doesn't know, she doesn't know anything.. 

How is she supposed to help me when she doesn't know why I'm hurting so much!? 

I can't do this alone. I just cant.
But every day, life proves to me, just how alone I am.
Would it kill for ANYONE in my care team to actually DO THEIR JOB properly! 

How do they expect to help someone when they know nothing about them.. 

it's not even like she's only recently been on my team.. not far off a year.
I'm falling apart. And they can't even see what to be looking for to know when I'm struggling.. 

I'm so alone.
I'm scared and all alone.

These memories are tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. It hurts, it all hurts and I don't know how to make it stop.

Ergh.

Today, is just one of those days. It's closer and closer to christmas all the time, and I am completely freaking out over it all.. Its not just the food/eating part.. it's all of it, the social part terrifies me! I have such social anxiety but it causes problems because my family decide I'm being 'anti-social' it's stupid but I don't really feel like I can explain to them. I'd feel stupid at my age [although age has nothing to do with it] saying that seeing people freaks me out, the whole making conversation, small talk, all the usual social graces; fear is imminent! Plus at christmas people are so unbelievably touchy-feely, I mean seriously, does someone need to touch me whilst there talking to me?! Is it normal? Am I the only person who finds this beyond point of coping? To be fair it is generally just the older generations who are like that to an excessive extent. But either way I end up having to deal with them the most since I left my parents home as they don't get to see me as much, therefore they seem to use this as a chance to completely bombard me with questions and opinions on my life. Ergh. Then we get onto the food. :/ I HATE this time of year, I'm gaining weight already because of all the stupid meets with everyone else that happens around christmas and I'm hating it so much. There will be more weight gain before the week is out and I'm struggling so hard to cope with it.. I'm using every trick in the book to try and get out of eating but they've got an answer for everything. It really makes me wonder if I've really been avoiding food for so long that theres nothing they can't work around! I've already figured out my food/exercise plan for the two weeks after and needless to say it's gonna be fairly strict. Try and lose the stuff I've gained and then continue to lose once I'm back on track. Damn. This has definately not been my week weight wise.. so much anxiety about it all though.. I'm so fed up of being fat and it's killing me to know that I can't really do anything about it till next week. :/ On top of everything else I'm still so fucking damn tired. Stupid, stupid brain. Sort it out for gods sake. I want my life back.

Sleep [Or Lack Of Anything Else]

At the moment I'm in the low of my mood cycle :/ Sucks, but whatever. I'm in it, and I'm shattered. Seriously. Constantly drowsy, if I'm don't get like 16 hours sleep then I'm a complete mess! Irritable, unable to focus, all the nice usual things that come with lack of sleep.. although I feel like a freak because I get them when I've slept like 12 odd hours.. Obviously this is the wrong time of year to need to sleep this much.. I am struggling to get everything organised like I need to and it's causing me even more stress over it all. So for the last couple of months I've been sleeping like this, in terms of getting everything else sorted I'm managing except social life is kinda down the drain.. but these last couple of days I've been feeling worse, emotionally/mentally.. the thoughts of self-harm and suicide a more focal point in my mind now, and that's getting me down even more. I believe it's the "lack" of sleep over the last couple of weeks where I've been busier with christmas and all that but I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to enjoy christmas at all.. cause I'm either so tired I'm paying nothing else any attention, or all I can think about is hurting myself. :/ I haven't been 'low' at christmas for a few years and with all thats gone on this year I was hoping this would be able to be a really good year.. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm stressed plus god knows what else and it's all cycling and making the other feelings consequently worse. I realise thats whats happening, but don't seem to know how to stop it.. My team are useless. I have been told to have a routine; have hot drinks and baths.. although I'm sure these must work for some people - they must get this shit advice from somewhere - I know they do not work for me.. I have ALWAYS had messed up sleep. Even as a kid, it used to drive my mum mad cause I either couldn't [in her eyes, wouldn't] sleep at all or it's all I wanted to do. To be fair, that hasn't particularly changed, but I'm sure you can appreciate that since being a child, and I'm talking 3/4 my sleep has been screwed [my mum said it always has been including when I was a baby, but I don't want to include when I was 2/3ish years because my sister came along and I can imagine that wouldn't have helped my sleeping.] so in 16 years I've had messed up sleep.. I have tried and tested every imaginable and possible chance of something that may help one sleep. From extremely specific bed-time routines with baths and hot drinks to relaxing music and soothing lights.. so you can see why it fustrates me to keep getting the same replies.. it's not like I'm after sleeping tablets. I dont want them. I've had them. Been re-offered them. It's not what I want, they work fine whilst I'm on them, but once I'm off them its screwed again.. and I don't wanna be on things that can be so dangerous and addictive for long.. so I fail to see the point to try them again. The difference is obviously I don't want help to sleep, for these couple of months I'm sleeping fine.. too much, but fine. I just need some useful techniques to stop the [illogical] tiredness screwing up everything else. I only need to manage for the next week at most really, then I can just give in for a while.. but I don't wanna self-harm and I don't want to kill myself.. which makes the thoughts and images all the more distressing. I don't really have many good coping strategies.. it's hard to get ones that consistently work because my moods change to extremes and they change ability to focus on other things and ability to remember other things to do. The only thing I really do do alot is use distraction.. but my team are worried that I'm taking it too far and am entering 'avoidance' So either way I can't win; I have a technique that works/helps and I'm not supposed to use it because it works to well :/ I'm trying to stay aware and I know that, even though I'm not struggling as much as I know I can, if I just leave it it'll just get worse, I try and do something about it now, and no-one takes any notice because I'm not yet at a point where I'm about the try and jump in front of a train. These stupid services are going to be the death of me yet.