Numb

Recently I've been feeling horrendously numb.. not exactly noted by myself until I got my news on Wednesday and my support worker telling me I seemed far too calm and collected and [for me] highly reasonable over such an important scary thing.
Now I'm only now actually aware that I'm numb now, I as a general thing, try and ignore and refuse to feel my emotions anyway because dealing with them and having to feel them I think would kill me so maybe that's why I didn't notice, I am normally extremely insightful and self-aware..

So. I have to go to a hospital, and talk nicely and sensibily to doctors about my 'high risk' and chances of dropping dead any minute.. yeah, fun conversation for anyone..

I'm not sure how I feel about it, truely. When I first got the letter and was waiting for my support worker to get off the phone I was scared and I can distinctly remember shaking.. but since then, nothing.. I was feeling quite numb this week anyway, but I think that's been due to lack of food. Possibly.. I don't know.. It's Friday now, and I shall be eating for the first time since last Saturday..

I suppose once having it pointed out to me, I am pretty weirded out by my reactions. They ARE right, 

I don't do calm and collected when it comes to doctors and hospitals, and am mostly distinctly unreasonable through fear over little things, let alone this kinda thing which is likely to mean everything I hate - a hospital stay, doctors, operation, being constantly monitered.. plus extremely regular appointments and check-ups afterwards to make sure everything's continuing to go smoothly I suppose.

Now, this has never been something I could cope with, I have asthma, and since I was told and collected my first inhalers I've never gone back, your supposed to go to clinics and things, have it monitered.. but I never have and never felt able too. I'd been skipping further tests in regards to my heart within the last 9 months also, due to this fear, and the fact that I didn't want there to be anything wrong so maybe felt unconsicously if they couldn't get enough information together then they wouldn't be able to do anything.

Except they managed, they can and they did. Avoidance is a big strategy I use to cope in a variety of ways and as much as I can see how unhelpful it obviously is being, I feel so unable to let it go.

I'm seriously considering cancelling my appointment. I'm worried I'm gonna get there and completely freak out. I'm worried there going to tell me things I don't want to hear. I scared that I'll be in trouble for skipping appointments.. I do want them to help my heart out because if I die it is going to be my damn choice.. but in so many ways it feels so much easier/better/safer to just bury my head in the sand and hope it all goes away.

Scared :/

Stupid letters from hospitals. 

Crappy heart conditions and specialist Doctors..

I don't want a pacemaker, I'm far too young, I'm only 19..

Let me live my life.. Pleaseeee!

I'm soo scared. 

I just wanna hide away, this is making it all too real.

Make it all stop.. 

I don't wanna be scared anymore.

Content With Failure? ♥

I have had a better day, slept about 4 hours, which is a little more then it has been recently which is better.. I woke up stressed but more tolerant then yesterday. Havent eaten at all. 

So I am content. Content with giving in, content with this failure on my part. Content that when I wake up tommorow the scale will have a lower number.

I am upset at the same time that when I struggle to catch and keep a tight hold on one thing, something else, whilst my back is turned starts the fall apart again. I'm reaching for things to stop me killing myself and to do so I forget [at first; then willingly] to eat and ENJOY not doing so..

Yesterday I was ready to jump in front of a train, if I allow my eating and exercising to slip, I can't cope. To such a point where it's even subconcious.. I will naturally just be more relaxed and cope better if I haven't eated anything/much or if I've done all the exercise I needed to do.

I re-joined a site I was on years ago, TeenHelp ♥ 

I'm not a hero. I never was and I never will be.

I can't do it all, and to be fair, I'm fat enough for weight loss to not particularly be noticable or damaging anyway. Plus one day, one day wont hurt. I gained weight over Christmas anyway.

It confuses me when other people seem to think I'm strong. I'm not strong. I'm weak, I'm pathetic. 

My head feels a mess. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I don't want to gain weight; I want to lose, but I don't want to be fasting like I am even though my weight loss goals are my only reason to be alive, to see if I can achieve them again.. I dont want these moods swings, yet medication will make me even fatter.. How am I supposed to decide? How do you decide if self-harm is okay as long as it stops you attempting suicide, when you might take it too far anyway, accidently, subconciously aiming for more..

Damn my racing mind. I'm still falling apart bit by bit and I don't think I remember where all the pieces go anymore. I don't think I'm fixable now, it's been too long. Too much and too long.