Care-Co-Ordinator Appointment [CC]

Met with my CC this morning, and it was actually okay. I mean I started fairly closed down but with alot of effort I managed to be more honest about the thought's that I've been having. She has read my file - she declared it lengthy.. well I have been in the services for years.. There is going to be a change in my consultant: although as of yet we don't know who, but if I need someone she will find someone. Dr B was fairly useless anyway, so maybe I'd find someone else more helpful. I'm not sure how much of it was to do with my diagnosis, but I felt so invalidated and patronized by him. Maybe not deliberately, but I hate so much how he tried to refuse to see how I don't fit the criteria - maybe I did [although I still think something else would have fit me better and they just chose to see me being 'difficult' instead of having a lot of issues that I wasn't just going to turn around and tell them easy as pie. I have trust issues you fucking twats! I'm not just not telling you to 'test' you and I'm not trying to kill myself to 'manipulate' you in any way but actually because I am fucking hurting beyond what I can cope with. Plus, to think that I actually care enough about what you think/do to feel the need to manipulate you means you have one hell of an excessive ego] but I'm on about NOW. I don't fit the criteria and with the way you get treated when you have this diagnosis, although no-one should have to deal with it, it is something I refuse to have to deal with when it doesn't even make sense. She feels getting my sleeping better seems to be very important in helping me cope so, first I've gotta try some Nytol shit.. then when that doesn't work she'll find someone who will prescribe me proper sleeping tablets. I got the Nytol today but seriously almost threw up trying to take it - seriously awkward because I can't swallow tablets. Which after my initial optimism about sleeping better helping, I'd completely forgotten how sensitive my system still is to tablets of any kind: probably due to all my various overdoses, but yeah, I now struggle to take pretty much anything without almost or actually throwing up. Knowing that she's read my file at least means she'll have a rough idea when I mention flashbacks and nightmares.. I struggle to communicate those things clearly, so anyone I'm talking about them to needs an idea of what I'm trying to go on about otherwise we both end up frustrated by the lack of understanding. I cried. Calmed down, and then cried again. God I am so fucking pathetic. I feel like such a failure: 
I'm supposed to be okay, I'm supposed to be coping. 
I'm supposed to be the strong one.
She just kept saying "What about your sisters, and your family, with everything else that has gone on they really don't need to lose you too" Like I haven't been thinking that anyway.. I truly don't want to hurt them.. but there is also nothing I can actually do to help them. I feel so fucking helpless when it comes to them. I want to get involved and try and help but because everyone [read Dad] feels that Mum still needs to be a 'proper' part of the girls lives. Yes, fine whatever. I get that, of course I do, I don't want my Mum upset and angry or feeling like I'm taking over her place, but she is NOT able to do it. What would be the point of anyone talking to my Mum about the girls, depending on my Mum's mood you'll either get the 'low down' on how she almost died - which by the way is an excuse for everything apparently, way too much information on her being sexually abused - although so far we've managed to keep that from the girls [triggering me heavily of course] , or a lecture on how hard everything is for her and how we don't appreciate her enough. To try and talk to her about the girls is virtually impossible because for her the world revolves around her, so the bits about the girls you may end up with is how there 'horrible' to her, and behave just generally difficult for her.What is the point of me trying to take on her role in every other way when I can't actually do anything about any of it. Instead I just have to nag Dad which makes me feel guilty, and also means that the simplest things may take up to or over a month to get down, which obviously means anything I'm trying to help my sisters with by the time Dad  'gets round' to doing it have had enough and don't want to bother anymore. I've told Dad lots of times to get more help and support for the girls, and it should be a priority. I understand his work in important, but then again, I've never known him to miss any of Mum's appointments or extra needs. I can't take on the extra worries and concerns of a parent without the rights and for-say to actually do so. I still feel like suicide is the best option to be honest. It is purely my sisters keeping me here and as long as they've got support in place, I'm sure they'll do okay. Yes, it's wrong, selfish, evil of me to do this, but to be honest if I get to be selfish at any point in my life I rather it was for the very end. I can't keep living for other people. It will hurt them, I know, I feel terrible already but I just can't see any other way right now.

Troubles.

I've been feeling pretty crap today, low, tired, wanting to cry {thankfully 
haven't cried in front of anyone today!} This is the 4^th day of my latest 
fast, seeing as I keep fucking up.. plus I don’t like to fast when I’m on 
my period because that makes me feel INCREDIBLY ill so I didn't 
exactly consider it worth it. I'm hoping to do between 28 and 30 days 
fast this time.. I KNOW I can do it, I've done it so many times before, 
but starting up always seems to be the hardest part. {I am aware this 
will mean fasting during my period but I'll figure something around that 
once I get to it. Had an appointment last Friday {11th} with my 
Care-Co-Ordinator. It seems to have already got around the CMHT that 
I am 'dating' as she calls it. I will post properly about this soon! Meh, 
I truly worry about this bout am trying so hard not too, I've got so 
much on my mind already, I can't really do this anymore, so I'm having 
to resort back to all my older ways of coping. I still cant sleep. It's 
making me feel even worse, although I'm aware that I am probably only 
missing out on extra nightmares. 

Parental Avoidance.

For once it's not me doing the avoidance; well not just me anyway.

When it comes down to all my experiences, it is unmentionable. I am unmentionable and it is a completely untouched, "hide away in the back of the closet" type thing.. The problem is, there are times, like now; when my flashbacks and nightmares are bad, really, really bad and they are pretty much all thats on my mind.. YET I am not to talk about it.. I do find talking about it hard, terrifying.. extremely hard, but even the option isnt there anymore. I don't talk to anyone about all this and wonder why it's all building up. It's such a boundary, it's okay other people wanting to move on and forget about it all - I do too. But shutting themselves away from what has happened to me, is shutting themselves off from me.. I don't feel like I can talk about with them.. it feels like I should be over it all by now, despite the fact it only completely stopped the very beginning of 2010.. I can't help that this still hurts, I can't help that this is STILL destroying me day by day.. but doing this alone, makes it all the more harder. My Care-Co-Ordinator didn't even know, it's in all my files, surely.. but it is something I haven't spoken about since I was in my very first hospital.. I started then to try and wall things back in again because it was the only way I was going to get out of there.. but since.. it's untouchable again. It feels like the silence is giving it all the strength back - giving HIM all the strength back.. I feel like I'm going backwards, and I know I need to talk.. but I don't know how to get to that point now - I don't know how to trust anymore and I can't risk the fragile coping I'm on at the moment. Ahh. What to do, what to do?!

ESA Lady (:

So as part of getting my ESA benefits, I have to do some meetings with A; ESA Lady. I'm in the 'Support' group so we don't really do much constructive..but just someone else who can open other doors for me I suppose.. this is only the second time I've seen her, and she's my second person. I LOVE her..seriously, she is amazing, we're SOO like-minded. She's funny, cheerful and has a pretty good knowledge of most things, both mental and physical health..it's times when I meet people like her and I wonder how I ended up with such a shit mental health team when someone who works with mental health, although in a different area, is so, so much better as a whole at working with me.. We had a good chat, random things, and then moved on to the tasks I was set; I had completed both infact over so for one, because instead of just getting the prospectus and 'browsing' college courses, I got a prospectus, browsed, chose a course and applied.   

She was thrilled (: 

Haha, damn, I'm such a people pleaser when I'm able to be. 

We spoke about my Care-Co-Ordinator and how;

"yes, she is out of order for not having read my file and that no, I'm not just being sensitive and reading too much into this" 

or something.. she was completely shocked.. 'furious' was her word so maybe angry is more appropriate.Talked about my heart, about my family, worries - my anxiety is often a mess when I see her thanks to the long bus journey and public place bit of it all.. and then more random stuff and talks of and about her own life - she has a daughter about my age.

This appointments new tasks are;

I have to write questions for my appointment tommorrow with the doctors down, so I don't forget them even once I'm in a complete and utter panic over it all && to continue to look after myself and my health. Now I've come to write the questions I had - I can't remember them.. fuck.

Care Co-Ordinator Appointment

She actually asked what I was having flashbacks about.. 

I assumed she meant which memories were causing the biggest problems.. 

but no, she confessed to having not even read my file! 

She doesn't know, she doesn't know anything.. 

How is she supposed to help me when she doesn't know why I'm hurting so much!? 

I can't do this alone. I just cant.
But every day, life proves to me, just how alone I am.
Would it kill for ANYONE in my care team to actually DO THEIR JOB properly! 

How do they expect to help someone when they know nothing about them.. 

it's not even like she's only recently been on my team.. not far off a year.
I'm falling apart. And they can't even see what to be looking for to know when I'm struggling.. 

I'm so alone.
I'm scared and all alone.

These memories are tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. It hurts, it all hurts and I don't know how to make it stop.

Hello New Year, I've Been Expecting You ♥

Well.. this year has been one hell of a challenge! 

♥ I have OD'd too many times to count, 

♥ I started being hospitalised [adult style ;)] repeatedly.  

♥ I had my first psychotic episode - which they now can't decide if it was - hearing voices, seeing things and believing the government were out to get me because I had secret information hidden in my subconsious that they wanted. 

♥ I had my first decent period of time without the abuse and therefore memories, flashbacks, dreams and thoughts went into overdrive worse then ever before.  

♥ I first told someone about the 'agreement' between me and my abuser.  

♥ Me and Mum getting closer, trying to try and work through some things.  

♥ Mum having an 'emotional' affair whilst she insists nothing physical happened.  
♥ Mum and Dad splitting up.. Mum and Dad getting back together.  

♥ My mum almost dying, spending 7 months between hospital and rehabilitation [I meanwhile developed and maintained an amazing relationship with the rest of my family -Dad and all 3 sisters- who all admitted -without her there- that Mum had made things harder in terms of having a relationship with me]  

♥ Struggled with Mum throughout her not remembering me [anyone, except Dad] her difficulties, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of belief in how she 'used to be'    

♥ My first hypo/manic episode; spending nearly £2000 in under 2 months, reckless, overconfident and hyposexual - I pierced my own lip, I met strangers for sex [considering I don't like/enjoy sex] plus made a few relationships I already had difficult with either having/offering sex to them. I felt I was amazing, attractive, great in bed and how I had a theories about stuff regarding psychiatry and similar things.  

♥ I became catatonic. I didn't get out of bed for weeks. Lost a fair bit of weight. 

♥ Triggered both by my sexual behaviours when higher, flashbacks and the weight loss I started up alot of my ED behaviours without realising it, until I look back in hindsight and feel too lost/safe in them again to change despite knowing the risks.

I started the year being abused on rare occasions only,  self-harming constantly and attempting suicide was a means of escaping anything, I refused to acknowledge my abuse and rapes and the memories of my bullying. My relationships with my family, but mostly my Mum, were poor and I had abandonment issues with my best friend with put our relationship into such a seriousness that we for a while lost the fun of it. I constantly argued with my 'team' and refused to co-operate in a childish manner. I'd only had one care-co-ordinator and one psychiatrist at that point. At the beginning of this year, death was very much my only wish, I hadn't wanted to start the year and [unwillingly] passed many dates of which my death was welcome.

I'm ending the year saying I haven't been abused in nearly a year, I don't self-harm very often and I haven't attempted suicide [despite wanting to, feeling like I need to] in 7 odd months. I recognise my abuse and trauma and although can still be fairly dismissive of it [because I feel others have been through so much worse, so I shouldn't complain] I am willing to accept that due to it I do struggle with some things that other people might not and instead of seeing it as a weakness I know try to see it as something else to just work with/around. My relationships with my family are really pretty good, it's still up and down with my Mum but I refuse to let it get to me anymore and knowing she can't stop me seeing my sisters like she used to do, makes things easier. Me and my best friend have come from strength to strength, we have had many changes this year, and although there have been struggles, we're still here, out the other side, expecting more. I work hard to be honest with my team [although I struggle to talk to my psychiatrist cause he's a male] and I'm not perfect but it's improving. I'm ending this year now having got to my third care-co-ordinator and my second psychiatrist. I still think about suicide often/plan suicide all the time but I'm getting better at not following through with my thoughts and plans. I have made it this year past all my bad dates, all these anniversaries and even though I know I am once again the 'wrong' side of my worst month, I am hoping I can try and continue this through, because trying is all I can do. I am not expecting a better year, because good things are just not handed to you. I will try and make myself a good year. For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to trying; looking forward to this challenge.

P.S. I also wanted to say that in this year, I haven't been on any medication for a sustained period due to me overdosing on it all the time and I haven't had any psychological intervention [just assessments; which recommended I have some!] at all within the year. All the improvements; as slight as they are. Were me. Just me and my effort and determination. (:

EDIT: P.P.S. I have never heard myself sound soo positive.. it's quite wierd cause I generally don't think like that, I'm normally extremely negative and pessamistic and I wouldn't say reading that back, that that's how it sounds/feels in my mind. No wonder I confuse my team. Meh. (:

'Professionals,' Stupid Advice && Struggling To Cope ♥

I recieved my first comment (: Does it make me slightly pathetic to be this happy about it? XD ClinicallyClueless ♥ I can offically LOVE YOU forever now (:

Okay, so slightly random note outta the way (: Things were bad today, still, but I think after reading my comment I felt a little more positive in trying to work through my [plentiful] techniques, I feel awful in some ways to know that people can relate, and in some ways the relief that some people can makes me feel sick about myself.. because in that I am asking that people have been through some truely horrific things. Obviously thats not quite what I mean but I still feel bad about it. I am not going to be blind-sighted over it all; things things DO happen, and they happen with a frequency that is digusting in the terms of how many people think it's okay to do it. I'm not sure what other people find useful with flashbacks, but I generally use distraction. With my old therapist we had a couple of 'games' we would play; either working our way through the different senses trying to name between 3-5 things for each, or keeping my eyes closed trying to name things that are in the room [without peeking] or she'd ask specific questions like "What colour is the chair by the door".. which we did depended on how much more triggering it would have been for me to keep my eyes closed for a longer period. Obviously without someone else who knows me well enough, I struggle to generally catch myself before I completely slip into it, I'm sometimes too far gone for these kinda things to work. If I'm truely honest, I find hurting myself tends to be a fairly good way of 'bringing myself back' but I don't like resorting to that, either to bring myself out or to deal with the pain after.. I'm trying to deal with things with 'positive coping strategies' but they never seem to work/help like the negative ones do.. it's not fair.. Any ideas or ways other people have/use would be incredibly welcome! I'm so beyond fed up with being told that I'm CHOOSING to continue these negative behaviours, and although in some ways, yes, of course I am choosing to do this but then what else am I supposed to do. If they keep having to  get the police bringing me into the psych ward they wouldn't be amused but despite that instead of trying to help me cope without attempting suicide, they choose to get stroppy over ways that do help me cope. Ergh. If I have another idiot 'professional' tell me to take a bath and have a hot drink I will scream. It takes a hell of a lot for me to admit to ANYONE that I've 'lost control' and that I need help, if I'm asking for help I am so far beyond 'having a bath and hot drink' if I'm asking for help, I truely truely need it, I need support, right then and there because if I come away from my attempt to get help with stupid, unhelpful [for that time] advice I am pretty much definately going to do something. Then after all of that, I get told my 'attempt' was stupid, impulsive and that I need to learn to ASK FOR HELP! Omg, I am going to kill that stupid pathetic excuse for an AMHP! For one, it's never stupid if that's how you feel/felt, two, it was not impulsive; it took me weeks, maybe even months to get to this point and you dare to tell me I didn't think it over enough, three, I fucking did ask for help and to be fair, when I have a bazillion tablets right in front of me, I definately need more then to be told to have a bath. I do realise that I am sooo negative alot of the time, I'm sorry, I really am but things have been getting steadily worse again and I'm struggling to see the light at the end of this tunnel anymore. - Just a quick note those comments I got from the AMHP was over 6 months ago.. It just still annoys me so much -
I am struggling so much, yet no-one wants to hear it, I'm moving at some point next year, will be possibly dropping my CPN and I absolutely hate my psych [not exactly a change for next year, except I will have to start communicating with him myself which is going to be problematic] . I did not self-harm today, despite the flashbacks and everything.. although I did fast and walked 18miles so I suppose it would depend on your perspective on whether thats a positive thing or not.. I hate my team but have already been through so many [through no fault of my own] that I am not able to change in any way again anytime soon. I also wonder if anyone else has had the confusion of loving/hating there abuser? Sorry again for all the negativity :/

Sleep [Or Lack Of Anything Else]

At the moment I'm in the low of my mood cycle :/ Sucks, but whatever. I'm in it, and I'm shattered. Seriously. Constantly drowsy, if I'm don't get like 16 hours sleep then I'm a complete mess! Irritable, unable to focus, all the nice usual things that come with lack of sleep.. although I feel like a freak because I get them when I've slept like 12 odd hours.. Obviously this is the wrong time of year to need to sleep this much.. I am struggling to get everything organised like I need to and it's causing me even more stress over it all. So for the last couple of months I've been sleeping like this, in terms of getting everything else sorted I'm managing except social life is kinda down the drain.. but these last couple of days I've been feeling worse, emotionally/mentally.. the thoughts of self-harm and suicide a more focal point in my mind now, and that's getting me down even more. I believe it's the "lack" of sleep over the last couple of weeks where I've been busier with christmas and all that but I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to enjoy christmas at all.. cause I'm either so tired I'm paying nothing else any attention, or all I can think about is hurting myself. :/ I haven't been 'low' at christmas for a few years and with all thats gone on this year I was hoping this would be able to be a really good year.. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm stressed plus god knows what else and it's all cycling and making the other feelings consequently worse. I realise thats whats happening, but don't seem to know how to stop it.. My team are useless. I have been told to have a routine; have hot drinks and baths.. although I'm sure these must work for some people - they must get this shit advice from somewhere - I know they do not work for me.. I have ALWAYS had messed up sleep. Even as a kid, it used to drive my mum mad cause I either couldn't [in her eyes, wouldn't] sleep at all or it's all I wanted to do. To be fair, that hasn't particularly changed, but I'm sure you can appreciate that since being a child, and I'm talking 3/4 my sleep has been screwed [my mum said it always has been including when I was a baby, but I don't want to include when I was 2/3ish years because my sister came along and I can imagine that wouldn't have helped my sleeping.] so in 16 years I've had messed up sleep.. I have tried and tested every imaginable and possible chance of something that may help one sleep. From extremely specific bed-time routines with baths and hot drinks to relaxing music and soothing lights.. so you can see why it fustrates me to keep getting the same replies.. it's not like I'm after sleeping tablets. I dont want them. I've had them. Been re-offered them. It's not what I want, they work fine whilst I'm on them, but once I'm off them its screwed again.. and I don't wanna be on things that can be so dangerous and addictive for long.. so I fail to see the point to try them again. The difference is obviously I don't want help to sleep, for these couple of months I'm sleeping fine.. too much, but fine. I just need some useful techniques to stop the [illogical] tiredness screwing up everything else. I only need to manage for the next week at most really, then I can just give in for a while.. but I don't wanna self-harm and I don't want to kill myself.. which makes the thoughts and images all the more distressing. I don't really have many good coping strategies.. it's hard to get ones that consistently work because my moods change to extremes and they change ability to focus on other things and ability to remember other things to do. The only thing I really do do alot is use distraction.. but my team are worried that I'm taking it too far and am entering 'avoidance' So either way I can't win; I have a technique that works/helps and I'm not supposed to use it because it works to well :/ I'm trying to stay aware and I know that, even though I'm not struggling as much as I know I can, if I just leave it it'll just get worse, I try and do something about it now, and no-one takes any notice because I'm not yet at a point where I'm about the try and jump in front of a train. These stupid services are going to be the death of me yet.

Newbie (:

Haii (:
I am me. (: Alot of my own information I will choose to keep private due to not wanting my blog to be found by certain people in my real life. I am young, not 20 years yet. Yet things have been difficult my whole life; as far as I remember. Most of my memories are of struggling with one thing or another. I am in the adult mental health services - and they suck! I am sorry to those people who work in the services and are truely good and caring, but are incredibly let down by the load of idiots who work there for god knows what reason because they do not give a flying fuck and actually seem to get a kick outta watching me struggle. Maybe I'm just particularly unlucky in terms of when I've had my team handed out, I don't know, but I have found most of my team to be incompetent idiots who know nothing about recent mental health and trauma. I have been with my CMHT since June09 and have had 2 psychs and 3 Care-Co-ordinators; in forms of a social worker, a CPN and an OT.. to be fair I don't actually care much what their qualification is.. I just want them to listen and to try and understand. I can remember HATING it when I was in CAMHs but seriously, there mess ups are NOTHING compared to how much my adult team manage to screw up.. I am willing to say I did not make things easy for my first Care-Co-ordinator; I was fresh out of hospital, kicked outta the family home and the transition period was, well.. non-existent. I saw my CAMHs social worker once whilst I was in hospital and that was it.. I met my adult social worker a couple of weeks before I left hospital, to almost leave hospital and be told that the person I'd met before wasn't actually going to be my social worker, she was just someone to meet me as who was mine was on holiday. Finally met him at my discharge meeting - HIM - because of past abuse issues I'd requested to not have a male.. I know theres problems with sharing out clients sometimes but I KNEW I would not be able to be honest properly with him due to not wanting to feel vunerable in front of him. Not his fault I know, and even though I'd tried to counter-act this happening, it still managed to make me look like a difficult, un-co-operative stroppy teenager because I wasn't able to tell him when I was struggling. I have been bullied, abused and emotionally neglected through out most of my life and they wonder why I have 'trust issues' God damn.. these 'professionals' really piss me off sometimes. I dissociate regularly and have relationship and trust issues.. I have high's so high I feel I could do anything, I won't sleep for days and when I do, a couple of hours will do, not eating feels normal and crashing into lows where I easily sleep 20 odd hours a day for a month or more.. crying, wanting to die, anxiety, self-harm and suicide attempts.. Or I hallucinate.. voices, people.. delusional ideas of plans to 'get' me and harm me in various ways. I have nightmares and flashbacks and have not yet found someone who understands it all.. I am fed up of being told I'm 'difficult' when to be honest, it's the only things keeping me alive. I have better relationships with my family again.. but it's not the same. I wont get back those years I needed and wanted care and love. I wont get back all the times I've hurt myself because my mum just wouldn't give a fuck. The nights other people have managed to hurt me because my mum chose to lock me out so I wandered about all night. They say they know.. that they understand. They understand jack-shit. They don't know me and they don't know whats going on in my head. I do not expect them to be mind-readers, of course, but they have never took the time to find out. They have worked with so-and-so who had bipolar, another who had bpd and many people with trauma issues.. so they KNOW.. bullshit. If they ever took the time to listen, they'd realise just how much they really don't know. And maybe, thats what there scared of.