Too Much..

My Nan died yesterday, I tried to spend a good day with my boyfriend teaching him how to cook [something more than toast :)] but I ended up on and off with flashbacks all day. We tried to settle to talk this evening and more flashbacks, more tears. And finally admitted to my boyfriend about what I've been thinking about; Suicide.
It seems like a good option.
All I can think about it hurting myself.
I'm doing more harm to anyone else than good.
My sister's on her way to getting support - the other two already get support.
I'm hurting way too much now. 
I truly can't take anymore.
I think I have to, to save other people, the longer I live the more people get hurt around me.
I think I'm the one causing this - yet I still don't know how.


I've had enough.
I do deserve everything I got/get but I can't do this anymore.
There is no other way out.
I will go to the funeral, I have to at least say goodbye to my Nan properly. 
- I feel guilty that I wasn't there when she died. 

Toy Story 3

Why did no-one tell me how damn amazing this film is?!?
Watched it last night with the boyfriend :)
I think I enjoyed it more than he did but either way, 
super cute little girl in it, typically.

Today Is Yet Another Day.

I don't really feel very with it today, very dissociated, which is obviously annoying and inconvenient. I have quite a few periods throughout the day that I don't remember.. I felt really 'dreamy' when I was with my boyfriend tonight although he said he felt I was very disconnected and 'guarded' tonight. I don’t know, I know that the memories are seriously getting to me, I KNOW that. I’m just not sure how to try and help it.. I can almost watch my mood getting lower, my tolerances getting lower and the dissociation and thoughts of hurting myself getting so much worse. I basically feel like shit today. Although. On a good note, I have completed my 5th day fasting {looking at the time} So onto the 6th I say [ At least I've got control over something in this fucked up bit of my life.

Troubles.

I've been feeling pretty crap today, low, tired, wanting to cry {thankfully 
haven't cried in front of anyone today!} This is the 4^th day of my latest 
fast, seeing as I keep fucking up.. plus I don’t like to fast when I’m on 
my period because that makes me feel INCREDIBLY ill so I didn't 
exactly consider it worth it. I'm hoping to do between 28 and 30 days 
fast this time.. I KNOW I can do it, I've done it so many times before, 
but starting up always seems to be the hardest part. {I am aware this 
will mean fasting during my period but I'll figure something around that 
once I get to it. Had an appointment last Friday {11th} with my 
Care-Co-Ordinator. It seems to have already got around the CMHT that 
I am 'dating' as she calls it. I will post properly about this soon! Meh, 
I truly worry about this bout am trying so hard not too, I've got so 
much on my mind already, I can't really do this anymore, so I'm having 
to resort back to all my older ways of coping. I still cant sleep. It's 
making me feel even worse, although I'm aware that I am probably only 
missing out on extra nightmares. 

Valentines Dilemma

Surely it’s not just me that struggling to write in my boyfriend’s Valentine’s Day card? Meh.. I’m so damn confused.. more than anything because I don’t want to embarrass him or anything and I know what other people are like for looking at all his stuff.. Sometimes I truly just feel like maybe I should do all the basics in the card and write a note he can keep separate? 

What do you think? 

2 Weeks && Sibling Stay.

So.. 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 weeks today. [ Not exactly the biggest achievement but for me, who has extreme trust and relationship issues. J I think I’m happy. Besides struggling so much with my own personal issues, I am happy with him. I do still feel safe with him, but I understand that he is really worried that it’s just going to be a matter of time before I don’t feel safe with him anymore; I suppose for me, the hardest thing is, that I can’t guarantee him that that won’t be the case. I really am so fed up of my past destroying my future. I’ve got my sister over to stay this weekend.. I’m not sure how it’ll go really. It is nice to have her here and to be able to spend some proper time together. [ I had my other sister other last weekend] [ Even if we’ve spent most of the day inside, watching DVDs and playing on the Wii.. She wants to go to the park so I’ve said to leave it till a bit later so it’ll be empty – although really it’s because I really don’t feel up to doing the whole sociable bit and despite the fact I’ve got my sister over, she’s pretty good at amusing herself for the general part of it all. I know that it’s not the point of having her here, despite giving my family a break, I do like being with her but because she’s seen me, as bad as it sounds, in terrible worse then this states, it really doesn’t phase her. 

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What Was The Point Of Successful Failure?

I cried tonight. I never cry, I shouldn't give in, I'm such a fucking failure!
Scared the fuck out of my new boyfriend.
I'd been slightly dissociated all night, when i first got there, he kept asking 
if I was okay, and I kept saying that I was fine.. but then I was pretty zoned out within minutes of falling apart so wasn't able to properly reply when he was asking what was wrong.
He's scared I'm going to hurt myself.
I really want to hurt myself.
I said it was only likely to get worse over the next few months or more..
He said he'd never going to leave, however tough it gets.
I don't know what to think, what to do..
What was the point of surviving it all; 
of fighting this most of the year, every year for 11 years.. 
to live like this; 
to feel like this, 
to still remember all of this.

Happiness, Fear && Lurking Memories ♥

I think I am happy.


He gives me butterflies.


I want him to touch me, but it just doesn't feel do-able at the moment.
But then I'm scared and weirded out, because I've never wanted to be touched before.


I even ate with him today. Breaking the rules. Breaking my record.


He held me and I didn't freak out.


I felt safe.


Yet.


I'm already contemplating the end of March/beginning of April for my death.
It's isn't an insistent, unbearable, impossible to ignore thought yet.. but it will be.
Soon enough. 


I don't want to hurt him at all.


Do I break it off now?


Or do I keep everything that might get me through the first April, since it all, unscathed. 

♥ I think I might be falling in Love ♥

Back On Track.

Got my letter through from the college,  I now have an interview and assessment in April though; so the joyous moments of having plenty of time to worry about it of course..Things are pretty good with the boyfriend. It's kinda weird, kinda new, liking spending time with him but he seems to think that I'm 'out of his league' 
What the hell is he on!! 

so he's constantly doubting himself and worrying about doing everything wrong. 
I don't really know how to deal with this to be honest, all the compliments and things..  My whole life has constantly been that I'm not good enough, for anything or anyone. And now I've got someone who seems to think I'm amazing. Losing weight again, brilliant stuff, onto my third day of fast.. Hopefully this one will go better then last time. Wish I could sleep better though.
 I'm so tired.
Shattered.

**On a positive note though, I made 3 phone calls today!!

Me and this phone issue will continue to battle this out I'm sure, 

but this is definitely a 1-0 to me :)

♥ I want you to make me feel 
like I'm the only girl in the world ♥

♥ ♥ ♥

Guess who is in a RELATIONSHIP! ♥
Aha. Me of course. (: 
This being my blog and everything [Hmmm, state the obvious dumbass]
He's also 19. Lives near me, makes me feel special, happy, safe.
I really think I like him, but this is seriously one of those, 
I'm just not sure.. sometimes I think 

"Wow, I have never felt like this before" 

type thoughts, but other times I think 

"Don't be silly, he wouldn't like you anyway, he just wants to get into your pants, you don't even know what love feels like so why would you have a clue" 

type ones aswell.


I can't even decide what I feel. What if I only think I like him, 
and that's only because he's paying me attention.


Ahh. Why do guys make things so damn complicated!


BUT 
despite all the questioning mess in my head; 


I now have a boyfriend. ♥