Too Much..

My Nan died yesterday, I tried to spend a good day with my boyfriend teaching him how to cook [something more than toast :)] but I ended up on and off with flashbacks all day. We tried to settle to talk this evening and more flashbacks, more tears. And finally admitted to my boyfriend about what I've been thinking about; Suicide.
It seems like a good option.
All I can think about it hurting myself.
I'm doing more harm to anyone else than good.
My sister's on her way to getting support - the other two already get support.
I'm hurting way too much now. 
I truly can't take anymore.
I think I have to, to save other people, the longer I live the more people get hurt around me.
I think I'm the one causing this - yet I still don't know how.


I've had enough.
I do deserve everything I got/get but I can't do this anymore.
There is no other way out.
I will go to the funeral, I have to at least say goodbye to my Nan properly. 
- I feel guilty that I wasn't there when she died. 

What Was The Point Of Successful Failure?

I cried tonight. I never cry, I shouldn't give in, I'm such a fucking failure!
Scared the fuck out of my new boyfriend.
I'd been slightly dissociated all night, when i first got there, he kept asking 
if I was okay, and I kept saying that I was fine.. but then I was pretty zoned out within minutes of falling apart so wasn't able to properly reply when he was asking what was wrong.
He's scared I'm going to hurt myself.
I really want to hurt myself.
I said it was only likely to get worse over the next few months or more..
He said he'd never going to leave, however tough it gets.
I don't know what to think, what to do..
What was the point of surviving it all; 
of fighting this most of the year, every year for 11 years.. 
to live like this; 
to feel like this, 
to still remember all of this.

Happiness, Fear && Lurking Memories ♥

I think I am happy.


He gives me butterflies.


I want him to touch me, but it just doesn't feel do-able at the moment.
But then I'm scared and weirded out, because I've never wanted to be touched before.


I even ate with him today. Breaking the rules. Breaking my record.


He held me and I didn't freak out.


I felt safe.


Yet.


I'm already contemplating the end of March/beginning of April for my death.
It's isn't an insistent, unbearable, impossible to ignore thought yet.. but it will be.
Soon enough. 


I don't want to hurt him at all.


Do I break it off now?


Or do I keep everything that might get me through the first April, since it all, unscathed. 

♥ I think I might be falling in Love ♥

♥ ♥ ♥

Guess who is in a RELATIONSHIP! ♥
Aha. Me of course. (: 
This being my blog and everything [Hmmm, state the obvious dumbass]
He's also 19. Lives near me, makes me feel special, happy, safe.
I really think I like him, but this is seriously one of those, 
I'm just not sure.. sometimes I think 

"Wow, I have never felt like this before" 

type thoughts, but other times I think 

"Don't be silly, he wouldn't like you anyway, he just wants to get into your pants, you don't even know what love feels like so why would you have a clue" 

type ones aswell.


I can't even decide what I feel. What if I only think I like him, 
and that's only because he's paying me attention.


Ahh. Why do guys make things so damn complicated!


BUT 
despite all the questioning mess in my head; 


I now have a boyfriend. ♥

Not All One In The Same (:

Completely Random Post! 

So there's a new tenant in one of the upstairs flats.. I've seen him around a few times, talked with him in his flat the other week but tonight I spent hours in his flat with him.  He's so super sweet.. easy to talk to,  understanding.. trustworthy.. 

I suppose I'd forgotten in a way that not all guys are arrogant stuck-up twats who don't respect other people or there personal space.. I'd forgotten why I always had more male friends then female.. the whole easyness of it all was amazing.. No bitching.. No So-and-So said this about Whoever..  Nothing like that.. just peaceful, honest talk. Important things, he was upfront and honest. Everything I'd loved my old male friends for. Until I got to a certain age then things were more arkwardBeing able to talk about just random things and it not lead into a "Yes, I was had depression the other day" but I just 'got over it 'The irony of course being that you have to be 'depressed' for weeks for it to count as depression. 

He's just so NICE! Not nice in a - I'm trying to get in your pants - kind of way. Really, seriously, truely nice. He thinks I'm AMAZING [big-headed moment :)] He says that he normally finds it so hard to open up and talk to other people but he found me so easy to be with and talk honestly too. I'm so glad I've found someone again, help me re-gain my faith in men.. I know logically that they can't all be the same, but when your proved otherwise repeatedly it's hard to remember that. More then anything. I felt safe. Completely and utterly safe. Not once did I worry about him in that way and I didn't even find him triggering - which is odd in itself because normally I'm triggered quite easily.