Even lower..

I can feel myself slipping again.
Lower even..
Not wanting to get out of bed.
And even when I do nothing feels real..
Dream-like state.. 
I've spent more time looking at my walls and the duvet cover then actually reading this book.
I cant focus or concentrate which is making things harder..
I'm feeling tempted to follow through with my plans whilst I still have to energy to do them - but then when I actually consider how I am, I can't decide if the moment has passed already.
I'm hurting so much, I wish someone could just wrap me in a hug and make me feel safe again. :(
Flashbacks. Nightmares. Intrusive thoughts.. 
The world is too bright and too loud in different ways.. hiding away from the world just doesn't seem to be working though. 

Letting Go.

I can't do this anymore.
The memories, the pain.. losing everything I once had..
I don't have a Mum anymore. Well. Essentially anyway. And now I've lost my Nan. I have no-one to look after me, no-one who can care for me when I can't anymore, no-one I can go to when I need someone, no-one to have 'adult' advice talks with.. no-one to resolve family issues with anymore..

No-one to worry about the broken promises for now.

Evil selfish bitch! Slut! Dirty fucking whore! Deserve everything you got.. How dare you think you should be getting better than this. Your worth nothing but less. Fucking slut. Stupid fat bitch! Stupid fucking bitch. Fat. Fat Bitch. Slut. Murderer.
I just need to get the funeral out of the way..
I'm letting go
Then I can go, forget, hide forever, never worry, never think, never feel fear again;
It can all go away.

Then I will be free.

Too Much..

My Nan died yesterday, I tried to spend a good day with my boyfriend teaching him how to cook [something more than toast :)] but I ended up on and off with flashbacks all day. We tried to settle to talk this evening and more flashbacks, more tears. And finally admitted to my boyfriend about what I've been thinking about; Suicide.
It seems like a good option.
All I can think about it hurting myself.
I'm doing more harm to anyone else than good.
My sister's on her way to getting support - the other two already get support.
I'm hurting way too much now. 
I truly can't take anymore.
I think I have to, to save other people, the longer I live the more people get hurt around me.
I think I'm the one causing this - yet I still don't know how.


I've had enough.
I do deserve everything I got/get but I can't do this anymore.
There is no other way out.
I will go to the funeral, I have to at least say goodbye to my Nan properly. 
- I feel guilty that I wasn't there when she died. 

Struggling Again.

I felt pretty flat yesterday; but in a more, seriously depressed but so tired that I can't even feel it type way. It's kinda hard, thoughts of hurting myself are becoming so much more constant..This hatred I have for myself is becoming harder to control.. I feel like I am falling apart, bit by bit, day by day; memory by memory. Why do I have to have such a long seriously bad memory period.. If I knew this would only last a short while then I think it would be easier to take, to deal with.. But knowing this will be hard, for the next load of months [5ish]..  Knowing things are not going to get better for a long time and that they are going to get a whole lot harder for ages before theres any kind of improvement, does not exactly help fill me with hope. Struggling already, does definitely not help me feel like I'm going to be doing well this year.

Fighting This Losing Battle.

I really don't think I can win this. 

The Funny thing is;

I don't think I was ever meant to.

Today I cut again. Deep.

I couldn't see another way around it, I can't feel like this, 

feeling like this triggers the memories and the memories trigger the feelings. 

I can't win. 

This is a lose:lose situation that will always be one to him and nil to me.

I'm falling so fast this time, I don't know how to stop this, 

how to change it, how to manage this. 

I'm alone, just as alone as I was whilst it was all happening.

And I'm dealing with this alone, just like I did at the time. 

I don't want to hurt anyone.

How come things screw up just as I sort things out with the family?

I love my sisters more than anything, it scares me that if I do anything

then maybe he would manage somehow to get access to them.

There'd be a way of him going back on his word, 

without me here, to ensure he doesn't.

It's harder to keep him from my mind every day.

The more I think of him, the more the memories,

the more the worry, the stress, the fear.

He's at Uni now, and even though that is not exactly far

it is a hell of a lot further away then before.

I am able to go to my parent's house without completely 

freaking out.. Well. Sort of.

I think this is all just showing me just how alone I am. 

As long as before I die, I get a few things sorted.

Couple of tasks to complete first.

I was always meant to lose. 

I know that now.

Shit Day

Felt totally, totally shit today. 

Went to the cinema with my boyfriend. 

Managed not to freak out despite it being pretty 

busy and train delays and things.

Flashbacks, Daymares, and feeling so god damn out of control..

I really wanted to cut, but managed not too..

I ate instead, so once again ruined it at 6 days.. 

but I don't think I realized how much harder it'd be 

to do whilst my sleep is still so screwed. Not that that 

means i'm going to stop. Back again from tomorrow, 

or looking at the time, today.

I don't think I have anything else to say.

Life is definitely continuing to go 

further and further downhill.

Please Free Me, Baby ♥

I feel awful today.

I don't even have the words. 

Overwhelmed doesn't cover it.

Neither does depressed, terrified, agitated..

I don't want to hurt like this any more. 

And I truly don't think I can do this any more.

   

Feeling A Mess

 

I am hurting so much right now.. I can't even describe it.. 

It doesn't  seem real that I can feel like this; again. 

 

I feel so trapped, a bubble inside of me is refusing to burst. 

I'm trying to contain everything but at the same time,  

needing to appear completely fine to everyone else.

I can't stop thinking about cutting, or self-harm in general; 

overdosing, burning, hitting things, hitting myself.. Intrusively intense. 

The thoughts just will NOT leave my mind, constantly there,

thoughts, feelings, ideas and plans.. I feel so bad, I feel alone, 

I am scared!

I'm not eating, fasting if you like, controlling, enjoying the pain of 

hunger in some ways, fearing it in others.. feeling dizzy, light-headed 

and head-achey already, but I won't give in. I can't let go of this; 

My only lifeline. I lost 4 pounds during yesterday I found out this 

morning.. I can do this, I need to do this.

 Everything's that happened with him in stuck in my mind. 

On replay. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and nightmares.

Memories, painful, painful memories, all I can think is 

that I'm a SLUT. I know it, and everyone else knew it.

J knew it.. I know it's MY fault, I'm willing to take the blame,

I just need it to stop hurting me so much..

 

BUT I can't talk about it, I can't tell anyone. I can't ruin my silence.

It's the only thing holding me together - despite ripping me apart.

I don't have the strength to go through it all, to admit to it all..

Plus I need everyone to think I'm okay, that everythings fine, all

wonderful and dandy..

The word. Hurts so much, everyone says that it's a 'horrible

word for a horrible act' but it hurts, having people tell me

that I was raped, saying that word.. it's triggering, 

it's easier to not mention it.. I know I would say different

to anyone else who was in the same position but I just

don't wanna hear it.. I'm hurting too much right now..

 Suicide. It feels like the only way out. 

I don't want to hurt anymore, cry anymore,

cut anymore.. think and remember anymore.

But I always will whilst alive. 

I can't do this anymore.

Once I reach my goal weight.

I shall go.

I need to have this success before I leave,

so I'm not a complete failure.

I Gave In Like The Failure I Am.

This whole evening has been a mess.. I was having flashbacks.. really bad.. they seem to be getting worse and worse by the day at the moment. I tried distraction, it just wasn't working, I wasn't calming down, the only thing I could think of was to try and sleep.. but my cat wasn't in.. I tried getting him in and ended up arguing with a neighbour [who I've had problems regarding my cat with before - feeding him, taking him into her flat without my knowledge and all that] who went off on one about me being 'crazy' and 'paranoid' I was falling apart and she told me that I'm not good enough for my cat.. he deserves a PROPER owner.. I shouted back - even though I know I shouldn't, I just couldn't hold myself together like that. She threw accusations at me and reckoned she was going to phone the police.. I walked away and phoned the oncall phone, was told that I'm just being silly, he'll come in when he's ready - which was obviously my biggest issue in the situation ¬¬ - but I did want him in, I can't sleep without knowing he's in and safe -hence trying in the first place.. I came back in and fell apart, crying, rocking, pulling at my hair. I gave in. I cut. I've ruined my nearly 3 months.. I feel terrible now. It helped. It calmed me down so much. But now I've just managed to prove to myself how much of a huge failure I am.. I don't wanna do this anymore.. it all hurts too much and I should be able to cope, I should be strong and capable, but I'm not, I weak and pathetic, how am I supposed to move on when everything, including myself is holding me back. I'm such a huge, fat, ugly, failure. She's right, I should just go and die, I'm not good enough for my cat, I'm not good enough for anyone else or myself. I'm now not only freaking out due to appointments [Care-Co-Ordinator yest, ESA Lady today and Hospital tommorrow] but also flashbacks and anxiety and now the police [apparently] and the fact that she is NOT going to let this go.. she truely wont and this will be a source of topic forEVER now. I feel so low, so terribly low and I'm quite seriously having suicidal thoughts.. I'm not going to follow through with them, but how I wish I could. I'm so truely such a waste of space, I KNOW that, but it still hurts when I'm reminded of that fact. I'm fed up with hurting so much, I'm fed up of STRUGGLING all the time. Please, just let this end.

EDIT - The police have just been here.. seriously. They looked as fed up as I felt. They just asked a general 'What happened?' so I told them.. I have nothing to hide, and although I may not have dealt with things fantastically, I didn't actually do anything WRONG; nothing the police can do anything about anyway.. Meh. What a fucking night, can things get any worse..

Gone From My Mind;Back In 4 Minutes ♥

Last night and today have been incredibly hard, I have been crying and having flashbacks, trying to sleep but having nightmares. In consequence, I'm a physically tired, stroppy 'wannabe' teen who is thinking about and remembering things she'd really rather not and continues to be seriously tired because I'm too scared of the nightmares now to sleep [even though I couldn't if I wanted too]. I'm so FUSTRATED with myself; I thought I was dealing with/had dealt with this.. I thought things had gone away alot more.. now I'm still in a 'low' mood [still want to hurt myself, kill myself - whichever takes less effort, both seem like such a good idea right now] but I have energy - not proper energy mind you, stupid useless agitated energy, the kind where you move, jiggle your leg, tap your fingers etc.. I can't sleep, my mind is racing, I'm struggling to focus my attention [seriously this post has taken me all day, I just had to keep coming back to it] I've been trying to sort out my college stuff - fail. Organise my whole flat - fail. Yet, I have cleaned my sink and table [forgetting the rest] in my kitchen, my toilet and sink [forgetting the bath] and half organised my DVD collection [until I found a bouncy-ball!] I haven't listened to a full song in days and I can't even escape into a book like I'd normally try and do because I can only read a page before something distracts me. This is driving me mad. I'm ALL for distraction - brilliant, bring it on I'd normally say - but when I can't stick at any of these things for longer then a few minutes maybe 10 at most, then it doesn't work and doesn't help. I didn't realise [my support worker mentioned it] but I was completely unable to keep on track of our conversation, it kept jumping around and it took her alot of effort to keep me on task. I'm worried. I scared about having these thoughts and the energy to follow them through.. I really don't know what to do..