Pathetic!

I feel like it's ridiculous that I'm hurting so much.
I feel pathetic.
I am pathetic!
Nightmares, flashbacks and all these thoughts.
I don't wanna hurt anymore. I truly can't bare it!
Please someone, anyone, help me.
Before it's too late.

I Just Wanna Forget It.

I'm fed up with remembering.
Why can't I forget.
Let it all just get the hell away from me!
I don't want to keep remembering.
It hurts so much.
I remember most of the time anyway, 
but it is so much worse generally for this part of the year.
I'm fed up of feeling like this.
I'm fed up of being responsible.
Shouldn't we be able to choose whether we remember things or not?!?!
Like a switch; yes please let's remember that, no thank-you, don't want to remember that.
Unrealistic of course.
But that doesn't change the feeling of wanting that..

Sleep Sweet Dreams

Is this the end? Again..
I never wanted to remember.
But you force me too.
I never wanted to hurt.
That never stopped you.
I don't want all the blame.
That you gave to me.
I still want you to love me.
Although you never did..
I don't want to cry anymore.
Pain, sorrow, fear..
Please can you try to help.
Like you said you would.
Did you know?
Nothing had changed..
I'm so scared..
Because I dont know anymore.
Is it worth the pain?
Of being alive,
My head is racing, pacing,
Tracing my arm with a blade.
But, no, I wont, Not again.
Can I stop.
These thoughts chasing,
Racing, tracing, pacing,
I'm fed up of facing,
All of my fears,
Just let this be,
Let me go,
Let me sleep,
Or this brain to slow,
Sleep sweet dreams,
Please just let me,
Sleep sweet dreams.

Parental Avoidance.

For once it's not me doing the avoidance; well not just me anyway.

When it comes down to all my experiences, it is unmentionable. I am unmentionable and it is a completely untouched, "hide away in the back of the closet" type thing.. The problem is, there are times, like now; when my flashbacks and nightmares are bad, really, really bad and they are pretty much all thats on my mind.. YET I am not to talk about it.. I do find talking about it hard, terrifying.. extremely hard, but even the option isnt there anymore. I don't talk to anyone about all this and wonder why it's all building up. It's such a boundary, it's okay other people wanting to move on and forget about it all - I do too. But shutting themselves away from what has happened to me, is shutting themselves off from me.. I don't feel like I can talk about with them.. it feels like I should be over it all by now, despite the fact it only completely stopped the very beginning of 2010.. I can't help that this still hurts, I can't help that this is STILL destroying me day by day.. but doing this alone, makes it all the more harder. My Care-Co-Ordinator didn't even know, it's in all my files, surely.. but it is something I haven't spoken about since I was in my very first hospital.. I started then to try and wall things back in again because it was the only way I was going to get out of there.. but since.. it's untouchable again. It feels like the silence is giving it all the strength back - giving HIM all the strength back.. I feel like I'm going backwards, and I know I need to talk.. but I don't know how to get to that point now - I don't know how to trust anymore and I can't risk the fragile coping I'm on at the moment. Ahh. What to do, what to do?!

Spending..

In an effort to cheer myself up I've spent money.. a LOT of money.. damn the stupid people for fucking things for so long, now having this money all at once makes it soo damn hard to not spend.. luckily, I'd already put a lot of it into my savings account. I should be receiving a; New 27" TV, Wii Fit game thingy and a new laptop :) I am happy I'm getting them, but I feel guilty despite the fact I shouldn't be.. *sigh* I really don't know what's going on in my head today.. On a more? positive note despite horrendous flashbacks and nightmares last night, I didn't cut again.

Care Co-Ordinator Appointment

She actually asked what I was having flashbacks about.. 

I assumed she meant which memories were causing the biggest problems.. 

but no, she confessed to having not even read my file! 

She doesn't know, she doesn't know anything.. 

How is she supposed to help me when she doesn't know why I'm hurting so much!? 

I can't do this alone. I just cant.
But every day, life proves to me, just how alone I am.
Would it kill for ANYONE in my care team to actually DO THEIR JOB properly! 

How do they expect to help someone when they know nothing about them.. 

it's not even like she's only recently been on my team.. not far off a year.
I'm falling apart. And they can't even see what to be looking for to know when I'm struggling.. 

I'm so alone.
I'm scared and all alone.

These memories are tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. It hurts, it all hurts and I don't know how to make it stop.

My Angel, My Devil And Everything Inbetween.

I feel terrible.

My dreams. 

Flashbacks. 

Thoughts. 

Memories. 

Feelings.

It's all against me. Aiming for me to really really hurt myself.. I don't know what to do! I truely don't wanna give in, I truely dont want to self-harm, I don't want to have these thoughts of killing myself.. I know, I'm weak, pathetic, I deserve to hurt this much.. I deserve it all but I just can't bear to have it all again.. this is the week.. doctors, care-co-ordinators and other randomers all within one week.. I don't like hospitals - in fact I hate hospitals!! And I'm going to have to be in one, for hours.. and knowing the fact that there never running on time, it'll probably be even longer then it's supposed to be anyway..I don't want to die - not yet. I need this achievement first, I need to make it to my very end goal weight.. it's all very well to be achieving my smaller goals.. but I've still got so far to go.. I will be strong. I will continue.. I will do this.. but these memories.. they haunt me. Break me. I think about him all the time, it's not fair he already had so many years of my life and he's still got me.. still scaring me, still making me feel like this. I want to sleep. I want to be able to properly sleep, and not wake up screaming.. not wake up crying, absolutely sobbing.. I want it all to stop hurting. It's been so long.. and I know last year was my first year without any contact with him.. but I cant take it.. It hurts. My head hurts, my chest hurts, my heart hurts, pounding and heavy, my eyes swollen from the tears.. but still it continues. This assault of my mind.. even now it's stopped, I don't feel any free-er, I was promised cutting off from him completely would make it better, but I'm still stuck, a hostage from my own mind. Why do I still love him! I'm stupid. Sick. It's ridiculous to love someone who has done the things he has done.. but everyone else forgets he once saved me.. the bullying.. the suicide attempts.. the one that I would never have survived if he hadn't of cut me down, family life and friendship problems.. despite everything.. he did good too.. maybe for his own selfish reasons others say, yeah, maybe it was.. but he still did it.. he could have let them beat me, again and again, he could have left me, let me die, let it all end, he didn't have to be waiting outside my house that time my mum hit me.. he didn't need to be there the time my boyfriend raped me.. of course he never knew [I dont think] that K had raped me, but upset and a mess nevertheless, he was still there.

I hate him, but I don't. He was evil, yet he wasn't. He saved me, yet destroyed what was left.

I hate the confusion in my head, in my own mind of how I feel about him and how I see him..

Everyone else says he's evil. So why do I have so many memories where I'm considering him my angel?

One Week Today.

One week today and I don't think I'm really feeling it, I know I should be feeling terrible today, 

scared, panic.. the works, but I'm not. I'm not really feeling anything.. quite spaced out, dissociated. 

I don't even remember if I slept for long, I feel tired, but thats been pretty constant recently, as well as this intense pounding headache. Maybe it's because I havent eaten, maybe because I haven't slept, I don't really know, I don't remember and I don't really want to remember.. When I woke my pillow was soaked, so I cried last night, I sobbed and I don't remember it. 

I've had enough of feeling such a mess.. it's not fair really.. I can't do it anymore.. I'm barely functioning and not remembering so much time.. losing time and this dreamy-ness hasn't been so bad for ages, I know that these upcoming appointments are probably scaring the fuck out of me so maybe triggering things.. but how am I supposed to make it better when I don't know? When I can't remember? When I am actually completely unpresent at the time??

I'm scared I'm going to start hurting myself dissociated again.. scared that without my present thought I'm not going to be able to stop me. Scared that I wont want to stop myself. 

Scared of what I'm experiencing and remembering..

I'm scared but don't know what of.

Headache :/

Soo. Striding on into a new year and new start! [bullshit!] 

New start, does not mean new start, will people be getting their police records cleared? There memories zapped? Freedom of speech, expression and whatever else? Will there be sudden miracles - Cures found for diseases and illnesses? People told there terminally ill getting news of it being a mistake. No.  Of course not. Just because I know have to remember 2011 when I date things, because I'll spend a couple of months screwing things up because I continue to put 2010 without meaning to.. Does not mean that these memories will disappear, it does not mean I will be anymore trusting of people who's very jobs make it neccessary for them to have my trust. I will not want to kill/hurt myself anymore or get into debt and other trouble through being so high I feel untouchable. I will not magically be able to make and take phone calls without the anxiety just like I will not suddenly stop waking up screaming from my nightmares. I realise I that I took the point out of what it actually means, I think for a lot of people it can be a good motivator to make change; to lose weight, start an exercise regime, Start a new career, take a further step in a relationship. Thats all well and good; but I've spent ALL YEAR trying to make changes, all year managing my struggles alone, all year trying to manage my feelings, thoughts and mood swings.. What I really want is a year off. To have someone else take the reins [although I doubt I'd cope with that either] from me, and manage these things for me. I know that's not going to happen and I will continue as best I can to move on/move forward. What I really want is for someone to say; I can erase all the bits of memory you want me to get rid of. Theres now a magic pill or something that wont make me fat and physically ill that will 100% sort out my moods.. Unrealistic, but hey, who said wishes had to be.

Last Night.

Other then struggling to cope, not wanting to admit to myself I couldn't cope plus the fact that I was allowing myself to enter a year I did not want to be in or even have in the distance of my vision; I am here. Of course I dealt with it by getting completely and utterly trashed. Embarrassing myself totally; being filmed being a idiot, phoning people to declare them a "Merry Birthday."  I was pretty far gone. Which isn't something I do/let myself do much because I fear being out of control. But even through my drunken state and subconsious, I refused to see and insisted it was not New Year's - something my Dad and sisters found highly amusing! - Even in my out of mind state, I didn't want it to be New Years. *Sigh* I had such a headache this morning so spent most of the day asleep, tucked up in bed trying to sleep and thinking about how nice it'd be to sleep. The saddest thing is other people seem to think I was so positively looking forward to see the New Year in.  

Meh. I want to cut. Really badly. Bleed so much I feel dizzy. I'm feeling so triggered right now.

Gone From My Mind;Back In 4 Minutes ♥

Last night and today have been incredibly hard, I have been crying and having flashbacks, trying to sleep but having nightmares. In consequence, I'm a physically tired, stroppy 'wannabe' teen who is thinking about and remembering things she'd really rather not and continues to be seriously tired because I'm too scared of the nightmares now to sleep [even though I couldn't if I wanted too]. I'm so FUSTRATED with myself; I thought I was dealing with/had dealt with this.. I thought things had gone away alot more.. now I'm still in a 'low' mood [still want to hurt myself, kill myself - whichever takes less effort, both seem like such a good idea right now] but I have energy - not proper energy mind you, stupid useless agitated energy, the kind where you move, jiggle your leg, tap your fingers etc.. I can't sleep, my mind is racing, I'm struggling to focus my attention [seriously this post has taken me all day, I just had to keep coming back to it] I've been trying to sort out my college stuff - fail. Organise my whole flat - fail. Yet, I have cleaned my sink and table [forgetting the rest] in my kitchen, my toilet and sink [forgetting the bath] and half organised my DVD collection [until I found a bouncy-ball!] I haven't listened to a full song in days and I can't even escape into a book like I'd normally try and do because I can only read a page before something distracts me. This is driving me mad. I'm ALL for distraction - brilliant, bring it on I'd normally say - but when I can't stick at any of these things for longer then a few minutes maybe 10 at most, then it doesn't work and doesn't help. I didn't realise [my support worker mentioned it] but I was completely unable to keep on track of our conversation, it kept jumping around and it took her alot of effort to keep me on task. I'm worried. I scared about having these thoughts and the energy to follow them through.. I really don't know what to do..