Letting Go.

I can't do this anymore.
The memories, the pain.. losing everything I once had..
I don't have a Mum anymore. Well. Essentially anyway. And now I've lost my Nan. I have no-one to look after me, no-one who can care for me when I can't anymore, no-one I can go to when I need someone, no-one to have 'adult' advice talks with.. no-one to resolve family issues with anymore..

No-one to worry about the broken promises for now.

Evil selfish bitch! Slut! Dirty fucking whore! Deserve everything you got.. How dare you think you should be getting better than this. Your worth nothing but less. Fucking slut. Stupid fat bitch! Stupid fucking bitch. Fat. Fat Bitch. Slut. Murderer.
I just need to get the funeral out of the way..
I'm letting go
Then I can go, forget, hide forever, never worry, never think, never feel fear again;
It can all go away.

Then I will be free.

Feeling A Mess

 

I am hurting so much right now.. I can't even describe it.. 

It doesn't  seem real that I can feel like this; again. 

 

I feel so trapped, a bubble inside of me is refusing to burst. 

I'm trying to contain everything but at the same time,  

needing to appear completely fine to everyone else.

I can't stop thinking about cutting, or self-harm in general; 

overdosing, burning, hitting things, hitting myself.. Intrusively intense. 

The thoughts just will NOT leave my mind, constantly there,

thoughts, feelings, ideas and plans.. I feel so bad, I feel alone, 

I am scared!

I'm not eating, fasting if you like, controlling, enjoying the pain of 

hunger in some ways, fearing it in others.. feeling dizzy, light-headed 

and head-achey already, but I won't give in. I can't let go of this; 

My only lifeline. I lost 4 pounds during yesterday I found out this 

morning.. I can do this, I need to do this.

 Everything's that happened with him in stuck in my mind. 

On replay. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and nightmares.

Memories, painful, painful memories, all I can think is 

that I'm a SLUT. I know it, and everyone else knew it.

J knew it.. I know it's MY fault, I'm willing to take the blame,

I just need it to stop hurting me so much..

 

BUT I can't talk about it, I can't tell anyone. I can't ruin my silence.

It's the only thing holding me together - despite ripping me apart.

I don't have the strength to go through it all, to admit to it all..

Plus I need everyone to think I'm okay, that everythings fine, all

wonderful and dandy..

The word. Hurts so much, everyone says that it's a 'horrible

word for a horrible act' but it hurts, having people tell me

that I was raped, saying that word.. it's triggering, 

it's easier to not mention it.. I know I would say different

to anyone else who was in the same position but I just

don't wanna hear it.. I'm hurting too much right now..

 Suicide. It feels like the only way out. 

I don't want to hurt anymore, cry anymore,

cut anymore.. think and remember anymore.

But I always will whilst alive. 

I can't do this anymore.

Once I reach my goal weight.

I shall go.

I need to have this success before I leave,

so I'm not a complete failure.

Content With Failure? ♥

I have had a better day, slept about 4 hours, which is a little more then it has been recently which is better.. I woke up stressed but more tolerant then yesterday. Havent eaten at all. 

So I am content. Content with giving in, content with this failure on my part. Content that when I wake up tommorow the scale will have a lower number.

I am upset at the same time that when I struggle to catch and keep a tight hold on one thing, something else, whilst my back is turned starts the fall apart again. I'm reaching for things to stop me killing myself and to do so I forget [at first; then willingly] to eat and ENJOY not doing so..

Yesterday I was ready to jump in front of a train, if I allow my eating and exercising to slip, I can't cope. To such a point where it's even subconcious.. I will naturally just be more relaxed and cope better if I haven't eated anything/much or if I've done all the exercise I needed to do.

I re-joined a site I was on years ago, TeenHelp ♥ 

I'm not a hero. I never was and I never will be.

I can't do it all, and to be fair, I'm fat enough for weight loss to not particularly be noticable or damaging anyway. Plus one day, one day wont hurt. I gained weight over Christmas anyway.

It confuses me when other people seem to think I'm strong. I'm not strong. I'm weak, I'm pathetic. 

My head feels a mess. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I don't want to gain weight; I want to lose, but I don't want to be fasting like I am even though my weight loss goals are my only reason to be alive, to see if I can achieve them again.. I dont want these moods swings, yet medication will make me even fatter.. How am I supposed to decide? How do you decide if self-harm is okay as long as it stops you attempting suicide, when you might take it too far anyway, accidently, subconciously aiming for more..

Damn my racing mind. I'm still falling apart bit by bit and I don't think I remember where all the pieces go anymore. I don't think I'm fixable now, it's been too long. Too much and too long.

Ergh.

Today, is just one of those days. It's closer and closer to christmas all the time, and I am completely freaking out over it all.. Its not just the food/eating part.. it's all of it, the social part terrifies me! I have such social anxiety but it causes problems because my family decide I'm being 'anti-social' it's stupid but I don't really feel like I can explain to them. I'd feel stupid at my age [although age has nothing to do with it] saying that seeing people freaks me out, the whole making conversation, small talk, all the usual social graces; fear is imminent! Plus at christmas people are so unbelievably touchy-feely, I mean seriously, does someone need to touch me whilst there talking to me?! Is it normal? Am I the only person who finds this beyond point of coping? To be fair it is generally just the older generations who are like that to an excessive extent. But either way I end up having to deal with them the most since I left my parents home as they don't get to see me as much, therefore they seem to use this as a chance to completely bombard me with questions and opinions on my life. Ergh. Then we get onto the food. :/ I HATE this time of year, I'm gaining weight already because of all the stupid meets with everyone else that happens around christmas and I'm hating it so much. There will be more weight gain before the week is out and I'm struggling so hard to cope with it.. I'm using every trick in the book to try and get out of eating but they've got an answer for everything. It really makes me wonder if I've really been avoiding food for so long that theres nothing they can't work around! I've already figured out my food/exercise plan for the two weeks after and needless to say it's gonna be fairly strict. Try and lose the stuff I've gained and then continue to lose once I'm back on track. Damn. This has definately not been my week weight wise.. so much anxiety about it all though.. I'm so fed up of being fat and it's killing me to know that I can't really do anything about it till next week. :/ On top of everything else I'm still so fucking damn tired. Stupid, stupid brain. Sort it out for gods sake. I want my life back.