Nan's Funeral.

On Friday I had my Nan's funeral. 
We had the service at her local church, although that felt all wrong.. I know that she believed in heaven [she always told me that she just knew her Mum was up there waiting for her inside the golden gates] but the extra religious shit they come out with was unbelievable and just made it so unlike Nan that it felt even less real.. I never heard my Nan mention God, Jesus or any of the like and it felt so wrong to make her ending stick with that. [Side note - no offence to anyone who does believe. This is just my opinion] Then we travelled to the cemetery where she was to be buried and did the final goodbyes, finishing -usually I expect- with the ashes to ashes, dust to dust bit.
It doesn't feel real. Although I am so numb maybe I wouldn't even know..  They was a bit of upset because only my eldest cousin was mentioned [out of all 13 grandchildren] and my aunt's ex-husband turned up and caused trouble. Otherwise it all went smoothly. My Nan can't be gone. She can't be dead. I can still feel you here, I still need you. Please come back.

Confused Minds.

So fed up of not being able to make myself feel better. 

Got a date for the funeral : 1st April. 

Apparently too many people are dying at this time of year in my area.. 

So this is all going to drag out for a ridiculous amount of time. 

I don't really know if I'm going to make it that long. 

I have got to try and cope for at least that long. 

I feel bad that I'm going to be leaving my sisters after promising I'd be there 

for them when Mum was first ill. Through my mind runs all these conflicting ideas 

and wants/needs.. I don't know how to help the family knowing that I don't 

plan on being around to completely see it through.

I don't know how I'm supposed to protect the people I love: without being here

any longer then I have to be..

Self-harming is becoming too regular again. I can't decide if it's worth being

bothered about it when I should be dead soon enough.

Too Much..

My Nan died yesterday, I tried to spend a good day with my boyfriend teaching him how to cook [something more than toast :)] but I ended up on and off with flashbacks all day. We tried to settle to talk this evening and more flashbacks, more tears. And finally admitted to my boyfriend about what I've been thinking about; Suicide.
It seems like a good option.
All I can think about it hurting myself.
I'm doing more harm to anyone else than good.
My sister's on her way to getting support - the other two already get support.
I'm hurting way too much now. 
I truly can't take anymore.
I think I have to, to save other people, the longer I live the more people get hurt around me.
I think I'm the one causing this - yet I still don't know how.


I've had enough.
I do deserve everything I got/get but I can't do this anymore.
There is no other way out.
I will go to the funeral, I have to at least say goodbye to my Nan properly. 
- I feel guilty that I wasn't there when she died. 

R.I.P Nanny

I received bad news today.


My Nan has died. 
3rd March 2011 at 4:45pm.


I love you so much, I'm sorry for everything!


And now I'm here, all alone in my flat. 
Having to deal with this. 


I miss you already.
I'm sorry about the broken promises. 
I wish I'd came to see you more.


Please don't leave me
Come back.
I need you.

Detached.

I feel so detached today.
Other than tired, nothing is really getting through, with how I've been feeling recently it IS a relief..
But then the way I consider 'fakeness' makes it hard for me to deal with..
[Ironically I have spent years and years pretending I am okay etc.. Yet I still can't stand fakeness]
Not that it's a choice. It is just the way it is. 
How I cope, but with a mind of it's own.
In most terms I feel like things are definitely getting harder.
It's getting harder to do simple things again. Get out of bed. Clean the flat.
Clean myself to be honest.. I'm not as bad as I know I can be with my personal hygiene 
but I know it's worse then I have been doing for a while in those terms.
Concentration is going out of the window. I can't seem to read properly anymore..
It all ends up blurring and I re-read the same lines over and over.
Getting to the end of a few pages and realizing that I haven't taken any of it in..
Frustration when I'm trying to explain myself, except on here where I can take as many hours as I need to get what I'm trying to say across, my brain feels like it's being so deliberately slow JUST to annoy me further. I know logically that makes no sense and is impossible but after quite a while doing better, it's really hurting to find myself struggling again. These ED thoughts are taking a front seat aswell. It's hard, trying to please them when I don't even have to energy to read, let alone, go for a run or something like that..The flashbacks are still bad. It's hurting me so much. Like even more then multiple kicks in the stomach every time I think about 'him' Dad's got parent's evening for my sister tomorrow; he swears that he'll talk to someone about supporting her then. [We'll see I suppose]

Broken Promises.

I hate how alone I feel. 
My sister was upset last night; so was texting me. 
I truly don't think Dad realises how much it hurts that everything always has to end with

"Make sure you tell Dad about that"

It's not that I don't want him to be part of the picture, far from it. 
It's just frustrating that I cannot do ANYTHING to help my sister myself.
It's all promises and niceties that I'll get Dad to do "..." etc and make 
him see how important this is.
Yet.
He seems unable. 
My support worker did say to me that most men are just unable to prioritize when it comes to 
physical and emotional stuff. Emotional stuff always being bottom of course.
He has 4 daughters that he is now in complete control and care of bringing up;
now is not a good time to be ignoring emotions.
I just think it looks like my parent's are still not seeing what I've been through/done to cope..
I don't want another of us to end up coping in these ways but if they keep using the 
'sweet blissful ignorance' technique that seems very likely to happen.
Problematically, he is breaking my promises's to my sister. 
I told her I'd make sure he got her help [she was extremely reluctant for ages] 
and that it would be asap [any longer and she'll try and back out of it all]
I've already had 4 conversations with her trying to back out of this and Dad seems 
to fail to realise how hard it is to keep re-convincing her that it's the best thing..
Yesterday aswell as texting my sister. I got a text from my Nan. 
First contact in I don't know.. months. I saw her at Christmas, but it was a kinda flying visit.
I haven't seen my friends in a while. And it's definitely not consistent. Plus I've only just realised
how cut off I am from my family. Other than this particular sister, I am pretty much alone. 
And unless money is needed/wanted, I am a complete last thought.

Mixed Moods && Family Pressure

Today I can't quite decide how I feel. Kinda numb, kinda in pain.. but it's like my mind is trying to keep it from me; I keep trying to look a little closer at it and it runs, changes.. Probably a really weird way to describe it, but still..I know it's probably better that I quite detached like this but I also know how much the 'unknown' bothers me, how out of control it makes me feel. Sort of like, even though I know it's bad, I need to know how bad so I can keep a proper measure of it all.
My moods getting lower and lower. It wasn't really until today and feeling this detached that I can make a bit of a overview of the time recently, and looking back over my posts.. Definitely getting lower. Struggling more, more often. It's still a couple of weeks until I see my CC but then again even then, I have no idea what she can do. It'll just be all the usual crap she says; routine, sleep, eat, etc. Relaxation blah blah blah.. I KNOW all this stuff. I am doing all of this stuff to the best I can do it for now. What I need is something else.. Reminding me of all these things I could understand if I wasn't already doing them.. I need something new, something helpful to try and get me through this. I truly don't want to get back to a point where suicide is an option; let alone the only option. If they put more effort into prevention then they wouldn't have to worry so much about 'fixing' things when they've not only fallen apart, but also all the pieces to have been smashed up and burned to the ground. On another ranty-type note; my Dad's still screwing up with the girls. Seriously. how many more times do I say this, how more often does he require being 'nagged' This shouldn't be my job but it is! Why am I the only person being left to deal with all this, why when that is the case. Do I not have an adult. Anyone else, who can look after me aswell. Why do i have to be the grown-up all the time.. I'm struggling now, and the only thing holding me together is knowing my sisters need me. So who do I go to; when I need someone?!

2 Weeks && Sibling Stay.

So.. 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 weeks today. [ Not exactly the biggest achievement but for me, who has extreme trust and relationship issues. J I think I’m happy. Besides struggling so much with my own personal issues, I am happy with him. I do still feel safe with him, but I understand that he is really worried that it’s just going to be a matter of time before I don’t feel safe with him anymore; I suppose for me, the hardest thing is, that I can’t guarantee him that that won’t be the case. I really am so fed up of my past destroying my future. I’ve got my sister over to stay this weekend.. I’m not sure how it’ll go really. It is nice to have her here and to be able to spend some proper time together. [ I had my other sister other last weekend] [ Even if we’ve spent most of the day inside, watching DVDs and playing on the Wii.. She wants to go to the park so I’ve said to leave it till a bit later so it’ll be empty – although really it’s because I really don’t feel up to doing the whole sociable bit and despite the fact I’ve got my sister over, she’s pretty good at amusing herself for the general part of it all. I know that it’s not the point of having her here, despite giving my family a break, I do like being with her but because she’s seen me, as bad as it sounds, in terrible worse then this states, it really doesn’t phase her. 

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Cycle Of This Life Must End Now.

Back when my Nan was young, things that are considered abuse was normal. Due to her illnesses she was abusive to my Mum and Uncles, physically and emotionally. Not that being ill is an excuse - but she thought my Mum was the devil and things, tried beating the 'evil' out of her. When my Mum was very ill still and getting some of her first memories back, she had some memories of being touched inappropriately [sexually] when she would have been very young - about 5 years. By her father. This was clarified by her elder brother - who had caught him at times and being older understood it more. It was hard to hear. Horrible in fact. My Grandad died when my Mum was 12 so I've never met him and before my Mums illness and these memories he was a kind of 'hero' in the family. My Mum always considered herself a 'Daddies Girl' although never seemed able to explain why this was the case. I've been thinking about this alot recently. It explains so much. The way she was with me, our relationship, the problems and differences in abilities of parenting from my Mum and my Dad, but with Mum being the one at home all the time. Dad wasn't about enough to make up for the way Mum was. And then he was never mine anyway. My Mum, completely unintentionally [I think] messed me up - and since all this came to light it's all made so much more sense and logic - BUT I am worrying about my own future so much more since this all came out. Now, I know my Mum loves me, I know she cares - in her own way. I understand that most of the anger wasn't actually caused by me, I just seemed to be someone who triggered it off. I know that now.. but at 5 when my Mum wouldn't look at me for weeks, when Mum would send me to Nan's because she couldn't cope with me and my little sister at the same time.. at 7 when she would scream and shout and tell me she hated me, that I'd ruined her life and any chances of her making anything of herself, that she just wanted me to go, still spending so much time at my Nan's. At 9, trying to kill myself, hurting myself, hitting my head on walls, punching things, feeling like I was gonna break but that it didn't matter because Mum hated me anyway. Meeting J, falling apart more. But then I was sick, evil, twisted little girl who was hated by everybody. Why would I expect any different; even if he did promise to be my best friend. Getting off track now, but you know what I mean.
I'm worried that despite all my best intentions I will end up screwing up my children. I don't have any yet and no plans anytime soon, but I cant help but think and worry that that's how it will be with my children. That I'll be so focused on my own pain I'll lash out at whoever's closest. I don't wanna mess up my children. I want this all to stop. I wanna stop this cycle here.

My Love For You Is Only Overshadowed By My Hate ♥

My mum. Things have always been incredibly up and down regarding my relationship with my mum. We are very similar personality-wise so 'clash' as my mother used to call it. I don't particularly see the similarities too much; she is selfish, self-centred, pigheaded, wannabe know it all who has intense anger problems and distrust of 'professionals' She is also stubborn, likes to have the the last word is controlling and obsessive.. in regards the last sentence I am like her. I am stubborn and I do prefer to have the last word. I do like to be in control -but I control myself excessively and damagingly- whereas she likes to control other people and everything else. My mother is a dramatic 'actor' she never saw anything wrong with turning on the tears/anger if she felt that situation was required or if she felt she was in some way losing control of what/who ever she was trying it on. It was a miracle if, despite the fact she ignored my issues and never saw them fit for help, she did not cry with other members of the family and neighbours/ANYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN.. about how she had a screw up for a daughter, how hard it was for her to have to deal with my suicide attempts and self-harm. How she had been unable to get me to eat for 'soo long' and how terribly stressful it was for her and how she felt she was getting ill herself. I am not denying that it must be hard and stressful to have your child struggling like that but I think it was harder knowing she knew what I was doing and was still completely ignoring it and still refusing to get me any support. I have had countless plates, chairs, knifes, ornaments thrown at me/in my direction. I tried to tell her once, before I actually attempted suicide, about how I was feeling but it ended up being a conversation about her and her difficulties and firstly, how I didn't know the meaning of struggling, and secondly, how to be honest I could just go ahead because she didn't care, no-body cared and it would actually be a relief for her. Needless to say, I went ahead. I can remember when I was 9, I tried to kill myself for the first time, I stole my dad's tie, tied one end to my wardrobe bar and the other around my neck; I don't really remember how well I'd actually done it, I can remember having a headache and my eyes going funny and a 'rushing' in my ears [from further experience it doesn't seem like I'd actually done too badly despite my age and lack of knowledge] My mum found me untied and took it off of me and picked me up and threw me on my bed, shouting that I was a complete idiot and what would the neighbours/school/family think of her. She looked through my clothes drawers and found my polarneck top and told me I was too wear that until she said I could take it off. I don't remember marks but I'm assuming there was. In terms of good moments the only one I can remember from when I was living at home still, was when I was in a complete mess, I'd self-harmed quite badly, couldn't stop crying and vomiting and still kept having flashbacks; she actually asked me how to help! not for a parent the bestest answer ever but the best I'd ever had yet, I told her I wanted my friend H, and [which suprised me even more] she actually got hold of her and got her to come over. Okay, within days she was going on to everyone about how her daughter hated her and refused to talk to her about how things really were, preferring to talk to her friends, how I was shutting her out of my life and that she didn't know what to do anymore [with I'm sure, plenty of tears]. My mum could be physical - although it wasn't a regular occurance - I can only really recall a handful of times when she'd actually hit me, although generally my dad would get involved before it got to that point and I would [once again] be kicked out and not allowed back until mum saw fit. I can remember there was this time where I'd spent 3 nights out in our local woods/common because mum just was not calming down. I had a CAMH's session that day and without meaning to it was mentioned. Obviously she was concerned but I just laughed it off and said I was sure mum would have calmed down by now, but she made me promise that I would be going 'home' that night, and that she would call my mum; I kinda freaked, and said it was fine, I could/would sort it out but typically she got involved, plus informed social services [I know their kinda obliged to do it but I couldn't help thinking it'd just made things worse]. When I got back that night, my mum completely flipped out at me, "for one telling things that should 'remain within the family' to outsiders and if that wasn't bad enough I'd told a fucking professional! Plus that I was every name under the sun and again she regretted having me because I did nothing but ruin her life, and I did nothing but ruin her figure"

Then she pushed me, pulled me onto the floor and pretty much just layed into me. Until my dad pulled her off of me and told me to go to my room. The only other time that I remember specifically was not long after she told me about my dad not being my biological father, and me telling her she was a slut [because she said she didn't know who my real father was] she slapped me so hard I actually saw stars, and I can remember being amazed that that could actually happen then just walked out.. My friend was waiting for me on the wall outside, and he took me back to his to try and sort it out. It still bruised and I had my mothers handprint on my face for almost a week.. Luckily [I suppose] I naturally have red cheeks so once the purple had gone it wasn't too bad. I missed that weeks CAMH's appointment. My mum has been really ill recently, as in on life support kinda ill. It was a heart condition -hereditory, which coincidently I have too, thanks mum :/- that caused it and she ended up with brain damage including very bad memory problems. Now my mum can't remember half of anything she's done/said to me. In fact probably even less then half, she can barely remember any of it. So now I hate someone for things that she can't remember doing and under her new temperament [she's changed one hell of alot] wouldn't even dream of or imagine herself doing. I had finally got myself to a point where I wanted to talk through these things with her, if she refused then I'd know that I tried, if she agreed then great, hopefully we could resolve some issues. Win, win I thought. Then she got ill. I put it all on hold, wait till she's better, now it's 7 months down the line and her memory issues are still bad. She still can't remember much at all so dicussing these things would be pointless. So now what do I do? I've got so much in my head, all her hate, the anger she felt for me and the questions that come with it.. generally why kinda questions. Why did you treat me like that? Why do you treat me so different to the other girls? Why do you hate me so much? etc. So yeah, I have questions. And still no way of getting answers. I love her. Still. Despite everything. [Which annoyingly enough seems to be a bit of a trend with me] and I always will. I just can't see our relationship getting any better/closer if I can't resolve this stuff in my head. Doctors have said even if theres improvement she's unlikely to get many memories back. That she's always going to be different to how she was before. Being different is not the problem - it's actually brilliant, she's such a nicer, kinder person in some ways; in other ways she's still arkwardly difficult and controlling but whatever, it's not in the same league as before. I'm still stuck with it all though. In my head.. why was I never good enough? Never smart, funny, pretty, thin enough.. Plus how can someones mother appear to hate them so much..

Christmas Eve [just] ♥

It's here. Finally. I suppose the sooner it's here the sooner it's over. I don't wanna feel so negative about it all, and I'm really truely trying to join in with everyone, and everything.. I'm making so much effort and sometimes I feel so good it's like I'm convincing myself that I actually wanna be here too. We've had a few drinks tonight (: not much but enough for us to be a bit 'giggly' then we played Twister.. which although being so close to other people freaked me out was funny enough to overcome that so I think I genuinely enjoyed that. My mum told me I'd regret it if I didn't come over.. which is probably right, to be fair.. but I wish I could have come to this conclusion by myself. To have made this decision to come over on my own. So it was completely my OWN decision - I don't wanna have a little thing against mum for a while because I felt 'forced' into this. I don't think I'd have felt so forced if she hadn't of brought the girls into it all.. she ended up doing the whole "But the girls need you here, it wont be the same for them if there sister isn't here" and "After the year we've had your gonna let your sisters down like this" STUPID! I dont wanna be guilted into doing things that I might not wanna do.  My sisters do mean the absolute world to me. Beyond this world! I am fed up of my feelings for people being used against me. I'm supposed to be watching some movie with the family, but I'm so damn tired. Still. So I've come up to settle for bed. Having this act on for such a long period of time is so hard.. I'd forgotten how hard it was seeing as I haven't been home for this length of time in a fairly long time. *sigh* I just want it all to be over to be honest. I'm hoping people will like there presents of course, but I know already I'm going to be beyond stressed for the next few days especially.. when I go back home I'm gonna end up sleeping for a few days pretty straight I can imagine. Okay, gotta try and get some sleep. On top of everything else, I've forgotten to bring my teddy - I actually can't sleep without him, so tonight should be interesting I suppose. I'm so annoyed with myself for that! Stupidness, allowing the stress of it all to get to me so much that I've left behind things I need.

Daddy, I Love You So..♥

Dad, 
Firstly Merry Christmas!
We've made it through to the end of this year and damn, what a year we've had. I know I probably don't say it enough, in fact I can't even remember the last time I did. I love you. You mean the world to me, you are my dad and I never imagine it or want it any other way. I know it should be water under the bridge by now but things like that still hurt, but thank-you! The way yoiu have been with me through-out the break up and Mum's illness has made me feel more part of the family now then I ever have before. I suppose because I'm not the easiest person to be with I assumed if there was ever a chance to leave me out, you'd take it. Obviously this year there has been more then one chance for you to do that and you still havent. I can now believe things you told me when I was 13. You ARE my dad, you always will be and I love you so much. I'm sorry I've never really told you this before. Again, I love you, I'm sorry for how I have been in the past and although I don't think you will. Please don't leave me now. 
Love Forever

x

Okay, so this is most of a letter I'm putting in my dad's christmas card,  things have been difficult in the past, particularly after I found out he wasn't my biological father at 13. I thought I'd dealt with all of this.. years and years ago. Writing to my dad was supposed to just be a 'Thank-You' note, for being amazing whilst all the shit was going down. :/ Whilst writing a lot more came out, and I've realised that so much of the time I thought I was fine with it all I wasnt.. and in those terms, it explains one hell of a lot. It's really making me think alot about different things. [I'll post more when I've got my head around it a bit more, having to re-open doors that I didn't realise needed to be re-looked at and into] Christmas very soon now. Still worried, still slightly freaking out. But also kinda resigned for the inevitable. Really short post today. I'm sorry. :( I've got a lot on my mind but don't seem able to focus enough to get it out in a sensible and logical manner. I'll probably try again later.

Ergh.

Today, is just one of those days. It's closer and closer to christmas all the time, and I am completely freaking out over it all.. Its not just the food/eating part.. it's all of it, the social part terrifies me! I have such social anxiety but it causes problems because my family decide I'm being 'anti-social' it's stupid but I don't really feel like I can explain to them. I'd feel stupid at my age [although age has nothing to do with it] saying that seeing people freaks me out, the whole making conversation, small talk, all the usual social graces; fear is imminent! Plus at christmas people are so unbelievably touchy-feely, I mean seriously, does someone need to touch me whilst there talking to me?! Is it normal? Am I the only person who finds this beyond point of coping? To be fair it is generally just the older generations who are like that to an excessive extent. But either way I end up having to deal with them the most since I left my parents home as they don't get to see me as much, therefore they seem to use this as a chance to completely bombard me with questions and opinions on my life. Ergh. Then we get onto the food. :/ I HATE this time of year, I'm gaining weight already because of all the stupid meets with everyone else that happens around christmas and I'm hating it so much. There will be more weight gain before the week is out and I'm struggling so hard to cope with it.. I'm using every trick in the book to try and get out of eating but they've got an answer for everything. It really makes me wonder if I've really been avoiding food for so long that theres nothing they can't work around! I've already figured out my food/exercise plan for the two weeks after and needless to say it's gonna be fairly strict. Try and lose the stuff I've gained and then continue to lose once I'm back on track. Damn. This has definately not been my week weight wise.. so much anxiety about it all though.. I'm so fed up of being fat and it's killing me to know that I can't really do anything about it till next week. :/ On top of everything else I'm still so fucking damn tired. Stupid, stupid brain. Sort it out for gods sake. I want my life back.

Sleep [Or Lack Of Anything Else]

At the moment I'm in the low of my mood cycle :/ Sucks, but whatever. I'm in it, and I'm shattered. Seriously. Constantly drowsy, if I'm don't get like 16 hours sleep then I'm a complete mess! Irritable, unable to focus, all the nice usual things that come with lack of sleep.. although I feel like a freak because I get them when I've slept like 12 odd hours.. Obviously this is the wrong time of year to need to sleep this much.. I am struggling to get everything organised like I need to and it's causing me even more stress over it all. So for the last couple of months I've been sleeping like this, in terms of getting everything else sorted I'm managing except social life is kinda down the drain.. but these last couple of days I've been feeling worse, emotionally/mentally.. the thoughts of self-harm and suicide a more focal point in my mind now, and that's getting me down even more. I believe it's the "lack" of sleep over the last couple of weeks where I've been busier with christmas and all that but I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to enjoy christmas at all.. cause I'm either so tired I'm paying nothing else any attention, or all I can think about is hurting myself. :/ I haven't been 'low' at christmas for a few years and with all thats gone on this year I was hoping this would be able to be a really good year.. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm stressed plus god knows what else and it's all cycling and making the other feelings consequently worse. I realise thats whats happening, but don't seem to know how to stop it.. My team are useless. I have been told to have a routine; have hot drinks and baths.. although I'm sure these must work for some people - they must get this shit advice from somewhere - I know they do not work for me.. I have ALWAYS had messed up sleep. Even as a kid, it used to drive my mum mad cause I either couldn't [in her eyes, wouldn't] sleep at all or it's all I wanted to do. To be fair, that hasn't particularly changed, but I'm sure you can appreciate that since being a child, and I'm talking 3/4 my sleep has been screwed [my mum said it always has been including when I was a baby, but I don't want to include when I was 2/3ish years because my sister came along and I can imagine that wouldn't have helped my sleeping.] so in 16 years I've had messed up sleep.. I have tried and tested every imaginable and possible chance of something that may help one sleep. From extremely specific bed-time routines with baths and hot drinks to relaxing music and soothing lights.. so you can see why it fustrates me to keep getting the same replies.. it's not like I'm after sleeping tablets. I dont want them. I've had them. Been re-offered them. It's not what I want, they work fine whilst I'm on them, but once I'm off them its screwed again.. and I don't wanna be on things that can be so dangerous and addictive for long.. so I fail to see the point to try them again. The difference is obviously I don't want help to sleep, for these couple of months I'm sleeping fine.. too much, but fine. I just need some useful techniques to stop the [illogical] tiredness screwing up everything else. I only need to manage for the next week at most really, then I can just give in for a while.. but I don't wanna self-harm and I don't want to kill myself.. which makes the thoughts and images all the more distressing. I don't really have many good coping strategies.. it's hard to get ones that consistently work because my moods change to extremes and they change ability to focus on other things and ability to remember other things to do. The only thing I really do do alot is use distraction.. but my team are worried that I'm taking it too far and am entering 'avoidance' So either way I can't win; I have a technique that works/helps and I'm not supposed to use it because it works to well :/ I'm trying to stay aware and I know that, even though I'm not struggling as much as I know I can, if I just leave it it'll just get worse, I try and do something about it now, and no-one takes any notice because I'm not yet at a point where I'm about the try and jump in front of a train. These stupid services are going to be the death of me yet.

Newbie (:

Haii (:
I am me. (: Alot of my own information I will choose to keep private due to not wanting my blog to be found by certain people in my real life. I am young, not 20 years yet. Yet things have been difficult my whole life; as far as I remember. Most of my memories are of struggling with one thing or another. I am in the adult mental health services - and they suck! I am sorry to those people who work in the services and are truely good and caring, but are incredibly let down by the load of idiots who work there for god knows what reason because they do not give a flying fuck and actually seem to get a kick outta watching me struggle. Maybe I'm just particularly unlucky in terms of when I've had my team handed out, I don't know, but I have found most of my team to be incompetent idiots who know nothing about recent mental health and trauma. I have been with my CMHT since June09 and have had 2 psychs and 3 Care-Co-ordinators; in forms of a social worker, a CPN and an OT.. to be fair I don't actually care much what their qualification is.. I just want them to listen and to try and understand. I can remember HATING it when I was in CAMHs but seriously, there mess ups are NOTHING compared to how much my adult team manage to screw up.. I am willing to say I did not make things easy for my first Care-Co-ordinator; I was fresh out of hospital, kicked outta the family home and the transition period was, well.. non-existent. I saw my CAMHs social worker once whilst I was in hospital and that was it.. I met my adult social worker a couple of weeks before I left hospital, to almost leave hospital and be told that the person I'd met before wasn't actually going to be my social worker, she was just someone to meet me as who was mine was on holiday. Finally met him at my discharge meeting - HIM - because of past abuse issues I'd requested to not have a male.. I know theres problems with sharing out clients sometimes but I KNEW I would not be able to be honest properly with him due to not wanting to feel vunerable in front of him. Not his fault I know, and even though I'd tried to counter-act this happening, it still managed to make me look like a difficult, un-co-operative stroppy teenager because I wasn't able to tell him when I was struggling. I have been bullied, abused and emotionally neglected through out most of my life and they wonder why I have 'trust issues' God damn.. these 'professionals' really piss me off sometimes. I dissociate regularly and have relationship and trust issues.. I have high's so high I feel I could do anything, I won't sleep for days and when I do, a couple of hours will do, not eating feels normal and crashing into lows where I easily sleep 20 odd hours a day for a month or more.. crying, wanting to die, anxiety, self-harm and suicide attempts.. Or I hallucinate.. voices, people.. delusional ideas of plans to 'get' me and harm me in various ways. I have nightmares and flashbacks and have not yet found someone who understands it all.. I am fed up of being told I'm 'difficult' when to be honest, it's the only things keeping me alive. I have better relationships with my family again.. but it's not the same. I wont get back those years I needed and wanted care and love. I wont get back all the times I've hurt myself because my mum just wouldn't give a fuck. The nights other people have managed to hurt me because my mum chose to lock me out so I wandered about all night. They say they know.. that they understand. They understand jack-shit. They don't know me and they don't know whats going on in my head. I do not expect them to be mind-readers, of course, but they have never took the time to find out. They have worked with so-and-so who had bipolar, another who had bpd and many people with trauma issues.. so they KNOW.. bullshit. If they ever took the time to listen, they'd realise just how much they really don't know. And maybe, thats what there scared of.