Update.. [poss trig]

** Just as an extra note! I'm so sorry I'm not posting very frequently at the moment. Things are struggling and I'd hate to sound like I'm complaining all the time and my concentration levels are shit right now**




The funeral has been and gone now. It was horrible, but not in the ways I'd thought about and tried to prepare for.. I will never forget the sound of the roses hitting the coffin after it'd been lowered into the ground. The sickness I felt when others were crying and I just couldn't myself. Feeling selfish, evil. I couldn't help but think that it'd be so much better if I was with her. It still doesn't feel real. I'm still waiting for her call asking when I'll next be going to see her..

The flashbacks are bad. They are on and off causing problems between me and my boyfriend.. obviously the physical contact between us and even just some things that he'll say can trigger me and at the moment I'm being triggered so easily.

This week is the anniversary of the first rape. I can't stop thinking about it. Crying myself to sleep just to dream of it. Wanting to hurt myself so much, all the time.. but knowing that it wont help and trying it anyway.. Specifically this is the worst month of my life.. Most of the 'firsts' would happen roughly April being the big stand off because it's just before my birthday.

I'm making plans, trying to keep busy, keep my mind off of everything.. Shopping Friday, time with my little sister on Monday.. shopping again on my birthday, Thorpe Park on the 16th May.. There will be various things in between but I needed big things to focus on. I'm hoping I can just look at things as until the next 'big' focus I have and work through like that..

I have been accepted into college but as pleased as I am for that I can't help but see it as a positive for something I'd achieved before I'd died. Something I'd not had a chance to fuck up.

I'm fairly 50/50 for suicide. Some days.. or more at night I am alot more like 70-80/20 but even on the better days where the flashbacks are bearable and I have okay times with people I care about it's still there, in my mind, haunting me.. In some ways I keep thinking maybe if I just got through the 'bad' part of the year then my plans would be more likely to succeed because it would be less suspected, but then on the other hand if I can get through the bad part of the year I want to live and enjoy everything that I haven't been able to whilst I'm struggling..

Basically. My mind is a mess. Should I or shouldn't I. Will I or won't I. My biggest fear is that I wont make a decision. That I'll just react to a particularly bad flashback or bad dream.. I scared of when losing my Nan becomes real. I'm scared of losing all my reasons to keep fighting.. 


Self-harming is becoming so much more frequent.. That bothers me too with the weather becoming so much better now.. :/ Please, god, kill me now.

My Angel, My Devil And Everything Inbetween.

I feel terrible.

My dreams. 

Flashbacks. 

Thoughts. 

Memories. 

Feelings.

It's all against me. Aiming for me to really really hurt myself.. I don't know what to do! I truely don't wanna give in, I truely dont want to self-harm, I don't want to have these thoughts of killing myself.. I know, I'm weak, pathetic, I deserve to hurt this much.. I deserve it all but I just can't bear to have it all again.. this is the week.. doctors, care-co-ordinators and other randomers all within one week.. I don't like hospitals - in fact I hate hospitals!! And I'm going to have to be in one, for hours.. and knowing the fact that there never running on time, it'll probably be even longer then it's supposed to be anyway..I don't want to die - not yet. I need this achievement first, I need to make it to my very end goal weight.. it's all very well to be achieving my smaller goals.. but I've still got so far to go.. I will be strong. I will continue.. I will do this.. but these memories.. they haunt me. Break me. I think about him all the time, it's not fair he already had so many years of my life and he's still got me.. still scaring me, still making me feel like this. I want to sleep. I want to be able to properly sleep, and not wake up screaming.. not wake up crying, absolutely sobbing.. I want it all to stop hurting. It's been so long.. and I know last year was my first year without any contact with him.. but I cant take it.. It hurts. My head hurts, my chest hurts, my heart hurts, pounding and heavy, my eyes swollen from the tears.. but still it continues. This assault of my mind.. even now it's stopped, I don't feel any free-er, I was promised cutting off from him completely would make it better, but I'm still stuck, a hostage from my own mind. Why do I still love him! I'm stupid. Sick. It's ridiculous to love someone who has done the things he has done.. but everyone else forgets he once saved me.. the bullying.. the suicide attempts.. the one that I would never have survived if he hadn't of cut me down, family life and friendship problems.. despite everything.. he did good too.. maybe for his own selfish reasons others say, yeah, maybe it was.. but he still did it.. he could have let them beat me, again and again, he could have left me, let me die, let it all end, he didn't have to be waiting outside my house that time my mum hit me.. he didn't need to be there the time my boyfriend raped me.. of course he never knew [I dont think] that K had raped me, but upset and a mess nevertheless, he was still there.

I hate him, but I don't. He was evil, yet he wasn't. He saved me, yet destroyed what was left.

I hate the confusion in my head, in my own mind of how I feel about him and how I see him..

Everyone else says he's evil. So why do I have so many memories where I'm considering him my angel?

A Needed Good Letter :)

So, I recieved a wonderful letter in the post this morning.. they have fucked up my payments for the last 20 months so now owe me.. wait for it.. £4099.85. Seriously.. how the fuck do you mess up that much.. I'm not exactly fussed, because I managed and now am going to have all my moving flats money pretty much sorted, but again.. maybe up to £1000 I could understand, the rates change all the fucking time and they take forever to remember to higher your amount paid.. but over £4000.. as happy as I am.. I needed this, I needed something good.. for the first time in quite a while :) Still tired, still stressed, worried, dissociated and fucked in the head.. but now I can be all that without the bills breathing down my neck. Hopefully it could mean a pretty good new beginning.. a re-vamp of my life.

Content With Failure? ♥

I have had a better day, slept about 4 hours, which is a little more then it has been recently which is better.. I woke up stressed but more tolerant then yesterday. Havent eaten at all. 

So I am content. Content with giving in, content with this failure on my part. Content that when I wake up tommorow the scale will have a lower number.

I am upset at the same time that when I struggle to catch and keep a tight hold on one thing, something else, whilst my back is turned starts the fall apart again. I'm reaching for things to stop me killing myself and to do so I forget [at first; then willingly] to eat and ENJOY not doing so..

Yesterday I was ready to jump in front of a train, if I allow my eating and exercising to slip, I can't cope. To such a point where it's even subconcious.. I will naturally just be more relaxed and cope better if I haven't eated anything/much or if I've done all the exercise I needed to do.

I re-joined a site I was on years ago, TeenHelp ♥ 

I'm not a hero. I never was and I never will be.

I can't do it all, and to be fair, I'm fat enough for weight loss to not particularly be noticable or damaging anyway. Plus one day, one day wont hurt. I gained weight over Christmas anyway.

It confuses me when other people seem to think I'm strong. I'm not strong. I'm weak, I'm pathetic. 

My head feels a mess. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I don't want to gain weight; I want to lose, but I don't want to be fasting like I am even though my weight loss goals are my only reason to be alive, to see if I can achieve them again.. I dont want these moods swings, yet medication will make me even fatter.. How am I supposed to decide? How do you decide if self-harm is okay as long as it stops you attempting suicide, when you might take it too far anyway, accidently, subconciously aiming for more..

Damn my racing mind. I'm still falling apart bit by bit and I don't think I remember where all the pieces go anymore. I don't think I'm fixable now, it's been too long. Too much and too long.