Giant Lava Lamp ♥

Just had to declare that my giant lava lamp is amazing, 

and incredibly fun to watch!

♥ ♥ ♥

Guess who is in a RELATIONSHIP! ♥
Aha. Me of course. (: 
This being my blog and everything [Hmmm, state the obvious dumbass]
He's also 19. Lives near me, makes me feel special, happy, safe.
I really think I like him, but this is seriously one of those, 
I'm just not sure.. sometimes I think 

"Wow, I have never felt like this before" 

type thoughts, but other times I think 

"Don't be silly, he wouldn't like you anyway, he just wants to get into your pants, you don't even know what love feels like so why would you have a clue" 

type ones aswell.


I can't even decide what I feel. What if I only think I like him, 
and that's only because he's paying me attention.


Ahh. Why do guys make things so damn complicated!


BUT 
despite all the questioning mess in my head; 


I now have a boyfriend. ♥

Stupidly Pointless Post. ♥

I know it's incredibly early to be worrying about this.. but I am terrified of April.

It is one hellish month for me, I've got lots of memories, lots of 'anniversary dates' if you like of bad things that have happened.. I don't wanna think about it right now, but I am.. Ahh. I wanna scream, why am I doing this to myself ALREADY?!? I know I'm worried because I've been coping 'generally' better for a while and only had occasional slips really, I'm scared this is gonna completely throw me off track. It's getting closer, I know we've got Febuary and March first, but things will be harder in March anyway purely BECAUSE it's so close to April.. Why does it all have to hurt so much. Sorry. Pointless post, but I'm stressing out already, I'm struggling to keep a handle on things but other than this week because of all the appointments, I have been doing well, even with self-harming; I nearly got to 3 months free, and before I started this one it was over 6 months free.. It does seem to be getting harder, and like I said, I realise it's getting to that time of year again and that I'm struggling more and more with that knowledge. Plus I've got a hectic year this year, moving out, back to college - if I'm accepted - and all this heart stuff. Everything is going to be new and I wanted it to be a new start, not something that creates havoc in my life trying to just GET TO THAT POINT. It's nearly 4:30 am.. damn I'm tired but sleeping is a mess it seems. If only I could sleep, might stop the worry for a while. Wow. I do complain alot. You guys must be fed up of me.

'Professionals,' Stupid Advice && Struggling To Cope ♥

I recieved my first comment (: Does it make me slightly pathetic to be this happy about it? XD ClinicallyClueless ♥ I can offically LOVE YOU forever now (:

Okay, so slightly random note outta the way (: Things were bad today, still, but I think after reading my comment I felt a little more positive in trying to work through my [plentiful] techniques, I feel awful in some ways to know that people can relate, and in some ways the relief that some people can makes me feel sick about myself.. because in that I am asking that people have been through some truely horrific things. Obviously thats not quite what I mean but I still feel bad about it. I am not going to be blind-sighted over it all; things things DO happen, and they happen with a frequency that is digusting in the terms of how many people think it's okay to do it. I'm not sure what other people find useful with flashbacks, but I generally use distraction. With my old therapist we had a couple of 'games' we would play; either working our way through the different senses trying to name between 3-5 things for each, or keeping my eyes closed trying to name things that are in the room [without peeking] or she'd ask specific questions like "What colour is the chair by the door".. which we did depended on how much more triggering it would have been for me to keep my eyes closed for a longer period. Obviously without someone else who knows me well enough, I struggle to generally catch myself before I completely slip into it, I'm sometimes too far gone for these kinda things to work. If I'm truely honest, I find hurting myself tends to be a fairly good way of 'bringing myself back' but I don't like resorting to that, either to bring myself out or to deal with the pain after.. I'm trying to deal with things with 'positive coping strategies' but they never seem to work/help like the negative ones do.. it's not fair.. Any ideas or ways other people have/use would be incredibly welcome! I'm so beyond fed up with being told that I'm CHOOSING to continue these negative behaviours, and although in some ways, yes, of course I am choosing to do this but then what else am I supposed to do. If they keep having to  get the police bringing me into the psych ward they wouldn't be amused but despite that instead of trying to help me cope without attempting suicide, they choose to get stroppy over ways that do help me cope. Ergh. If I have another idiot 'professional' tell me to take a bath and have a hot drink I will scream. It takes a hell of a lot for me to admit to ANYONE that I've 'lost control' and that I need help, if I'm asking for help I am so far beyond 'having a bath and hot drink' if I'm asking for help, I truely truely need it, I need support, right then and there because if I come away from my attempt to get help with stupid, unhelpful [for that time] advice I am pretty much definately going to do something. Then after all of that, I get told my 'attempt' was stupid, impulsive and that I need to learn to ASK FOR HELP! Omg, I am going to kill that stupid pathetic excuse for an AMHP! For one, it's never stupid if that's how you feel/felt, two, it was not impulsive; it took me weeks, maybe even months to get to this point and you dare to tell me I didn't think it over enough, three, I fucking did ask for help and to be fair, when I have a bazillion tablets right in front of me, I definately need more then to be told to have a bath. I do realise that I am sooo negative alot of the time, I'm sorry, I really am but things have been getting steadily worse again and I'm struggling to see the light at the end of this tunnel anymore. - Just a quick note those comments I got from the AMHP was over 6 months ago.. It just still annoys me so much -
I am struggling so much, yet no-one wants to hear it, I'm moving at some point next year, will be possibly dropping my CPN and I absolutely hate my psych [not exactly a change for next year, except I will have to start communicating with him myself which is going to be problematic] . I did not self-harm today, despite the flashbacks and everything.. although I did fast and walked 18miles so I suppose it would depend on your perspective on whether thats a positive thing or not.. I hate my team but have already been through so many [through no fault of my own] that I am not able to change in any way again anytime soon. I also wonder if anyone else has had the confusion of loving/hating there abuser? Sorry again for all the negativity :/