Even lower..

I can feel myself slipping again.
Lower even..
Not wanting to get out of bed.
And even when I do nothing feels real..
Dream-like state.. 
I've spent more time looking at my walls and the duvet cover then actually reading this book.
I cant focus or concentrate which is making things harder..
I'm feeling tempted to follow through with my plans whilst I still have to energy to do them - but then when I actually consider how I am, I can't decide if the moment has passed already.
I'm hurting so much, I wish someone could just wrap me in a hug and make me feel safe again. :(
Flashbacks. Nightmares. Intrusive thoughts.. 
The world is too bright and too loud in different ways.. hiding away from the world just doesn't seem to be working though. 

Update.. [poss trig]

** Just as an extra note! I'm so sorry I'm not posting very frequently at the moment. Things are struggling and I'd hate to sound like I'm complaining all the time and my concentration levels are shit right now**




The funeral has been and gone now. It was horrible, but not in the ways I'd thought about and tried to prepare for.. I will never forget the sound of the roses hitting the coffin after it'd been lowered into the ground. The sickness I felt when others were crying and I just couldn't myself. Feeling selfish, evil. I couldn't help but think that it'd be so much better if I was with her. It still doesn't feel real. I'm still waiting for her call asking when I'll next be going to see her..

The flashbacks are bad. They are on and off causing problems between me and my boyfriend.. obviously the physical contact between us and even just some things that he'll say can trigger me and at the moment I'm being triggered so easily.

This week is the anniversary of the first rape. I can't stop thinking about it. Crying myself to sleep just to dream of it. Wanting to hurt myself so much, all the time.. but knowing that it wont help and trying it anyway.. Specifically this is the worst month of my life.. Most of the 'firsts' would happen roughly April being the big stand off because it's just before my birthday.

I'm making plans, trying to keep busy, keep my mind off of everything.. Shopping Friday, time with my little sister on Monday.. shopping again on my birthday, Thorpe Park on the 16th May.. There will be various things in between but I needed big things to focus on. I'm hoping I can just look at things as until the next 'big' focus I have and work through like that..

I have been accepted into college but as pleased as I am for that I can't help but see it as a positive for something I'd achieved before I'd died. Something I'd not had a chance to fuck up.

I'm fairly 50/50 for suicide. Some days.. or more at night I am alot more like 70-80/20 but even on the better days where the flashbacks are bearable and I have okay times with people I care about it's still there, in my mind, haunting me.. In some ways I keep thinking maybe if I just got through the 'bad' part of the year then my plans would be more likely to succeed because it would be less suspected, but then on the other hand if I can get through the bad part of the year I want to live and enjoy everything that I haven't been able to whilst I'm struggling..

Basically. My mind is a mess. Should I or shouldn't I. Will I or won't I. My biggest fear is that I wont make a decision. That I'll just react to a particularly bad flashback or bad dream.. I scared of when losing my Nan becomes real. I'm scared of losing all my reasons to keep fighting.. 


Self-harming is becoming so much more frequent.. That bothers me too with the weather becoming so much better now.. :/ Please, god, kill me now.

Suicidal Thoughts.

I've spent most of the day looking for/researching types and specifics of rope. 
I can't stop thinking about it. Its something that plays in my mind. 
Stuck on replay.
Suicide.
Really feels like the best option right now..
I'm losing hope.
I feel like I'm falling.. 
I don't really know what to say..
I really don't want to be alive anymore.
But I always said I would go to Nan's funeral. 
I will do that for her, be there for her.
Then I will sort things and leave.
I'm thinking the 25th April. Would have been my Nan's birthday..
Toying with dates. 
Flashbacks. Death. Funeral. Nightmares. Stress. Anxiety. Pain. Cut. 
Maybe I should be scared, but I'm hurting too much to care..


Please. I just need to be free.

Care-Co-Ordinator Appointment [CC]

Met with my CC this morning, and it was actually okay. I mean I started fairly closed down but with alot of effort I managed to be more honest about the thought's that I've been having. She has read my file - she declared it lengthy.. well I have been in the services for years.. There is going to be a change in my consultant: although as of yet we don't know who, but if I need someone she will find someone. Dr B was fairly useless anyway, so maybe I'd find someone else more helpful. I'm not sure how much of it was to do with my diagnosis, but I felt so invalidated and patronized by him. Maybe not deliberately, but I hate so much how he tried to refuse to see how I don't fit the criteria - maybe I did [although I still think something else would have fit me better and they just chose to see me being 'difficult' instead of having a lot of issues that I wasn't just going to turn around and tell them easy as pie. I have trust issues you fucking twats! I'm not just not telling you to 'test' you and I'm not trying to kill myself to 'manipulate' you in any way but actually because I am fucking hurting beyond what I can cope with. Plus, to think that I actually care enough about what you think/do to feel the need to manipulate you means you have one hell of an excessive ego] but I'm on about NOW. I don't fit the criteria and with the way you get treated when you have this diagnosis, although no-one should have to deal with it, it is something I refuse to have to deal with when it doesn't even make sense. She feels getting my sleeping better seems to be very important in helping me cope so, first I've gotta try some Nytol shit.. then when that doesn't work she'll find someone who will prescribe me proper sleeping tablets. I got the Nytol today but seriously almost threw up trying to take it - seriously awkward because I can't swallow tablets. Which after my initial optimism about sleeping better helping, I'd completely forgotten how sensitive my system still is to tablets of any kind: probably due to all my various overdoses, but yeah, I now struggle to take pretty much anything without almost or actually throwing up. Knowing that she's read my file at least means she'll have a rough idea when I mention flashbacks and nightmares.. I struggle to communicate those things clearly, so anyone I'm talking about them to needs an idea of what I'm trying to go on about otherwise we both end up frustrated by the lack of understanding. I cried. Calmed down, and then cried again. God I am so fucking pathetic. I feel like such a failure: 
I'm supposed to be okay, I'm supposed to be coping. 
I'm supposed to be the strong one.
She just kept saying "What about your sisters, and your family, with everything else that has gone on they really don't need to lose you too" Like I haven't been thinking that anyway.. I truly don't want to hurt them.. but there is also nothing I can actually do to help them. I feel so fucking helpless when it comes to them. I want to get involved and try and help but because everyone [read Dad] feels that Mum still needs to be a 'proper' part of the girls lives. Yes, fine whatever. I get that, of course I do, I don't want my Mum upset and angry or feeling like I'm taking over her place, but she is NOT able to do it. What would be the point of anyone talking to my Mum about the girls, depending on my Mum's mood you'll either get the 'low down' on how she almost died - which by the way is an excuse for everything apparently, way too much information on her being sexually abused - although so far we've managed to keep that from the girls [triggering me heavily of course] , or a lecture on how hard everything is for her and how we don't appreciate her enough. To try and talk to her about the girls is virtually impossible because for her the world revolves around her, so the bits about the girls you may end up with is how there 'horrible' to her, and behave just generally difficult for her.What is the point of me trying to take on her role in every other way when I can't actually do anything about any of it. Instead I just have to nag Dad which makes me feel guilty, and also means that the simplest things may take up to or over a month to get down, which obviously means anything I'm trying to help my sisters with by the time Dad  'gets round' to doing it have had enough and don't want to bother anymore. I've told Dad lots of times to get more help and support for the girls, and it should be a priority. I understand his work in important, but then again, I've never known him to miss any of Mum's appointments or extra needs. I can't take on the extra worries and concerns of a parent without the rights and for-say to actually do so. I still feel like suicide is the best option to be honest. It is purely my sisters keeping me here and as long as they've got support in place, I'm sure they'll do okay. Yes, it's wrong, selfish, evil of me to do this, but to be honest if I get to be selfish at any point in my life I rather it was for the very end. I can't keep living for other people. It will hurt them, I know, I feel terrible already but I just can't see any other way right now.

Letting Go.

I can't do this anymore.
The memories, the pain.. losing everything I once had..
I don't have a Mum anymore. Well. Essentially anyway. And now I've lost my Nan. I have no-one to look after me, no-one who can care for me when I can't anymore, no-one I can go to when I need someone, no-one to have 'adult' advice talks with.. no-one to resolve family issues with anymore..

No-one to worry about the broken promises for now.

Evil selfish bitch! Slut! Dirty fucking whore! Deserve everything you got.. How dare you think you should be getting better than this. Your worth nothing but less. Fucking slut. Stupid fat bitch! Stupid fucking bitch. Fat. Fat Bitch. Slut. Murderer.
I just need to get the funeral out of the way..
I'm letting go
Then I can go, forget, hide forever, never worry, never think, never feel fear again;
It can all go away.

Then I will be free.

Detached.

I feel so detached today.
Other than tired, nothing is really getting through, with how I've been feeling recently it IS a relief..
But then the way I consider 'fakeness' makes it hard for me to deal with..
[Ironically I have spent years and years pretending I am okay etc.. Yet I still can't stand fakeness]
Not that it's a choice. It is just the way it is. 
How I cope, but with a mind of it's own.
In most terms I feel like things are definitely getting harder.
It's getting harder to do simple things again. Get out of bed. Clean the flat.
Clean myself to be honest.. I'm not as bad as I know I can be with my personal hygiene 
but I know it's worse then I have been doing for a while in those terms.
Concentration is going out of the window. I can't seem to read properly anymore..
It all ends up blurring and I re-read the same lines over and over.
Getting to the end of a few pages and realizing that I haven't taken any of it in..
Frustration when I'm trying to explain myself, except on here where I can take as many hours as I need to get what I'm trying to say across, my brain feels like it's being so deliberately slow JUST to annoy me further. I know logically that makes no sense and is impossible but after quite a while doing better, it's really hurting to find myself struggling again. These ED thoughts are taking a front seat aswell. It's hard, trying to please them when I don't even have to energy to read, let alone, go for a run or something like that..The flashbacks are still bad. It's hurting me so much. Like even more then multiple kicks in the stomach every time I think about 'him' Dad's got parent's evening for my sister tomorrow; he swears that he'll talk to someone about supporting her then. [We'll see I suppose]

Pathetic!

I feel like it's ridiculous that I'm hurting so much.
I feel pathetic.
I am pathetic!
Nightmares, flashbacks and all these thoughts.
I don't wanna hurt anymore. I truly can't bare it!
Please someone, anyone, help me.
Before it's too late.

I Just Wanna Forget It.

I'm fed up with remembering.
Why can't I forget.
Let it all just get the hell away from me!
I don't want to keep remembering.
It hurts so much.
I remember most of the time anyway, 
but it is so much worse generally for this part of the year.
I'm fed up of feeling like this.
I'm fed up of being responsible.
Shouldn't we be able to choose whether we remember things or not?!?!
Like a switch; yes please let's remember that, no thank-you, don't want to remember that.
Unrealistic of course.
But that doesn't change the feeling of wanting that..

Struggling Again.

I felt pretty flat yesterday; but in a more, seriously depressed but so tired that I can't even feel it type way. It's kinda hard, thoughts of hurting myself are becoming so much more constant..This hatred I have for myself is becoming harder to control.. I feel like I am falling apart, bit by bit, day by day; memory by memory. Why do I have to have such a long seriously bad memory period.. If I knew this would only last a short while then I think it would be easier to take, to deal with.. But knowing this will be hard, for the next load of months [5ish]..  Knowing things are not going to get better for a long time and that they are going to get a whole lot harder for ages before theres any kind of improvement, does not exactly help fill me with hope. Struggling already, does definitely not help me feel like I'm going to be doing well this year.

Fighting This Losing Battle.

I really don't think I can win this. 

The Funny thing is;

I don't think I was ever meant to.

Today I cut again. Deep.

I couldn't see another way around it, I can't feel like this, 

feeling like this triggers the memories and the memories trigger the feelings. 

I can't win. 

This is a lose:lose situation that will always be one to him and nil to me.

I'm falling so fast this time, I don't know how to stop this, 

how to change it, how to manage this. 

I'm alone, just as alone as I was whilst it was all happening.

And I'm dealing with this alone, just like I did at the time. 

I don't want to hurt anyone.

How come things screw up just as I sort things out with the family?

I love my sisters more than anything, it scares me that if I do anything

then maybe he would manage somehow to get access to them.

There'd be a way of him going back on his word, 

without me here, to ensure he doesn't.

It's harder to keep him from my mind every day.

The more I think of him, the more the memories,

the more the worry, the stress, the fear.

He's at Uni now, and even though that is not exactly far

it is a hell of a lot further away then before.

I am able to go to my parent's house without completely 

freaking out.. Well. Sort of.

I think this is all just showing me just how alone I am. 

As long as before I die, I get a few things sorted.

Couple of tasks to complete first.

I was always meant to lose. 

I know that now.

Sleep.. Or Lack Thereof.

I am soo tired. The only problem is by the evening/nights I’m so over tired that I end up slightly energetic; well no, maybe more hyper than anything. You know with some little kids when they get over tired they start running around and being a bit difficult and actually seem completely unable to stop themselves. Well that’s me to the T. I am trying to sleep, trying to settle and I seriously just can’t, I’m keeping a better routine than I ever have before, I’m trying to avoid all napping during the day to avoid that issue, but seriously, it just still doesn’t happen. I’m dissociating A LOT at the moment, and I was wondering if being so tired was making this worse? Probably, I knew my sleep was going to mess up, time of year, memories, and my sleep is always the first thing to go. For me, that’s just how it is, so it was EXPECTED that I would have problems sleeping, but not this bad this fast and I wasn’t expecting that I would be getting no relief at all. Dissociation is being so wide and varied at the moment, which is different to how it normally works for me, normally; I mainly have one type of dissociation for a while and then it kinda moves on, or steps up. I am having a lot of lost time, but any time I am here I feel completely cut off, emotionally, physically sometimes feeling completely unreal. Everyone keeps telling me I seem very ‘guarded’ I can understand why it’s happening now, the memories are pretty bad, worse than they normally are by this point in the year. What bothers me the most I think is the lack of control for it all. When all this began, I CHOSE to ‘leave my mind’ to cope, whereas as things got worse, and as I’ve gotten older it seems completely out of my control, and I’m losing and missing out on things I really don’t want to do, and remembering more and more.I think those are what hurts the most, I’ve spent so long trying to convince myself that I was overreacting and that really I had nothing much to complain about, but the more I remember the harder it is for me to keep reminding myself of this. It's so much harder to make it all make sense, it's so much harder to make it feel like it's not my fault; I realise maybe that doesn't make sense, but for me, to do those things to someone they must have done something really bad to you. So it is my fault, I must have done some terrible things to deserve this. Also, does anyone know how to switch the repressed memories off? Seriously I have enough memories to deal with right now without more on top. Plus, my support keeps getting cancelled. I really don't know how much longer I can keep a lid on this, and it scares me to know that this is only going to get worse. 

Please, Please Free Me ♥

Today is a day like no other. 

I'm too much of a mess to make much sense. 

I'm sorry.

For everything.

I'm hurting so much.

11 years of fear, tears and pain, 

all rolled into and remembered in one.

How do I make it all go away.

Please, please. 

Help me. 

I need to hurt myself so much.

What Was The Point Of Successful Failure?

I cried tonight. I never cry, I shouldn't give in, I'm such a fucking failure!
Scared the fuck out of my new boyfriend.
I'd been slightly dissociated all night, when i first got there, he kept asking 
if I was okay, and I kept saying that I was fine.. but then I was pretty zoned out within minutes of falling apart so wasn't able to properly reply when he was asking what was wrong.
He's scared I'm going to hurt myself.
I really want to hurt myself.
I said it was only likely to get worse over the next few months or more..
He said he'd never going to leave, however tough it gets.
I don't know what to think, what to do..
What was the point of surviving it all; 
of fighting this most of the year, every year for 11 years.. 
to live like this; 
to feel like this, 
to still remember all of this.

Memories; Haunting And Taunting My Mind

It's his birthday on Thursday.


10th February has been one of the worst 
days of the year since I was 9; so since 
2000. This will be the 11th year. 
The first year that I will not be seeing him [unless he manages to find me]
This will be, something that should make 
me feel so free, yet it continues to 
remind me how trapped I still feel.


It hurts. 
It still hurts so much.


Such specific memories, hurting me, haunting me, taunting me, playing twisted games.


The things that have happened on his birthday.


Like it was his right to make it more; longer, painful, detrimental and with an extra dose of fear on top of what was already there.

Like I owed him something because he was still bigger and stronger then me.
It feels like the beginning of the 'build up' between now and my own birthday everything stepped up levels regarding the physical and sexual abuse and the mental and emotional torment that was caused.

  
I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile.  I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile.  I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile.  I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile.  I will do this. I will cope.

And no-one will ever need know. 

Happiness, Fear && Lurking Memories ♥

I think I am happy.


He gives me butterflies.


I want him to touch me, but it just doesn't feel do-able at the moment.
But then I'm scared and weirded out, because I've never wanted to be touched before.


I even ate with him today. Breaking the rules. Breaking my record.


He held me and I didn't freak out.


I felt safe.


Yet.


I'm already contemplating the end of March/beginning of April for my death.
It's isn't an insistent, unbearable, impossible to ignore thought yet.. but it will be.
Soon enough. 


I don't want to hurt him at all.


Do I break it off now?


Or do I keep everything that might get me through the first April, since it all, unscathed. 

♥ I think I might be falling in Love ♥

Sleep Sweet Dreams ♥

  

A bit of a "This Too Shall Pass" moment..

Should be asleep. Well beyond asleep by now, seeing as it's nearly 6am. I am tired, 
yet so wired at the same time.. it's not fair. 
When I feel like this, I could really do with being able to sleep.
At least getting some kind of relief from it all.
Even knowing it will pass isn't helpful, as being at the beginning of the year, 
it is all going to get so much worse, before it gets better.
I'm trying to cope. I truly am. I keep telling myself that I can do this, I've done this before..

I fear my mistakes, I fear the risk and I fear failing. 

But.

Something has got to give.

And I don't know if I can do this again. I realise I feel the same every year, for the first, say 6 months.. because of dates and memories.. but after doing so much better recently..

after Mum being more well.. 

I'm not sure I can do this. 

I get through these times of year with self-harming and suicide attempts, 

psychotic symptoms, severe dissociation and paranoia [to name a few] 

this time of the year really messes me up.

I don't wanna do this all again. 

I am doing better with my self-harm..

My last suicide attempt was last year in April. 

I don't wanna go back to all this just to get through.

When I know that I'll have to do the same next year.

And the year after that.

Everyone keeps asking me if I've taken anything.

Apparently I'm talking pretty fast, and being 'too' open..

About useless stuff I imagine because I haven't told anyone much about my 

feelings of what's coming up, they all know already, 

they don't need to keep being told.

Hyperactive type, and jumpy thought process.

I don't know if this is just a random thing for the moment, 

or my mood getting higher.. in a way, it feels like that would be such a relief.

Although I do not need to be feeling out of control right now.

I'm not really noticing the things that there mentioning.. 

I realise that it's likely for me.

Just another thing to think about.

Cycle Of This Life Must End Now.

Back when my Nan was young, things that are considered abuse was normal. Due to her illnesses she was abusive to my Mum and Uncles, physically and emotionally. Not that being ill is an excuse - but she thought my Mum was the devil and things, tried beating the 'evil' out of her. When my Mum was very ill still and getting some of her first memories back, she had some memories of being touched inappropriately [sexually] when she would have been very young - about 5 years. By her father. This was clarified by her elder brother - who had caught him at times and being older understood it more. It was hard to hear. Horrible in fact. My Grandad died when my Mum was 12 so I've never met him and before my Mums illness and these memories he was a kind of 'hero' in the family. My Mum always considered herself a 'Daddies Girl' although never seemed able to explain why this was the case. I've been thinking about this alot recently. It explains so much. The way she was with me, our relationship, the problems and differences in abilities of parenting from my Mum and my Dad, but with Mum being the one at home all the time. Dad wasn't about enough to make up for the way Mum was. And then he was never mine anyway. My Mum, completely unintentionally [I think] messed me up - and since all this came to light it's all made so much more sense and logic - BUT I am worrying about my own future so much more since this all came out. Now, I know my Mum loves me, I know she cares - in her own way. I understand that most of the anger wasn't actually caused by me, I just seemed to be someone who triggered it off. I know that now.. but at 5 when my Mum wouldn't look at me for weeks, when Mum would send me to Nan's because she couldn't cope with me and my little sister at the same time.. at 7 when she would scream and shout and tell me she hated me, that I'd ruined her life and any chances of her making anything of herself, that she just wanted me to go, still spending so much time at my Nan's. At 9, trying to kill myself, hurting myself, hitting my head on walls, punching things, feeling like I was gonna break but that it didn't matter because Mum hated me anyway. Meeting J, falling apart more. But then I was sick, evil, twisted little girl who was hated by everybody. Why would I expect any different; even if he did promise to be my best friend. Getting off track now, but you know what I mean.
I'm worried that despite all my best intentions I will end up screwing up my children. I don't have any yet and no plans anytime soon, but I cant help but think and worry that that's how it will be with my children. That I'll be so focused on my own pain I'll lash out at whoever's closest. I don't wanna mess up my children. I want this all to stop. I wanna stop this cycle here.

A Fuck Up Waiting To Happen.

It's a fuck up waiting to happen.

I'm a fuck up!

I've brought new blades. Not just new blades, 

but stanley knife, proper blades.

I don't want this pain, it all hurts so much, 

I'm insisting that I carry on for now..

Keep trying.

But then another part of me just thinks

"what's the point?" 

Nothing is going to change.

I believed them 7 years ago when they said it would change - 

that things would get better. 

I believed them 4 years ago again - with the promise of change.

It hasn't.

It wont.

And it never will.

I dont have the belief in me to believe or trust for any different.

Pain is all I shall ever know..

I can't hurt like this forever.

I'm not as strong as people think I am.

And So The Struggle Continues..

I feel shit today; and I'm really truely feeling it..

As such, I've ended up bingeing and now  and

tommorrow, I do already and will  feel absolutely 

shit when I most probably will gain weight. 

I did a huge work out - but I dont think it will be 

enough to fix this..

 Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

I dont wanna hurt like this. 

It's not fair.

I'm fed up, I'm scared, I'm so

fucking scared.He's had so much of my life, 

and even after leaving it physically, he still has me.. 

still as much control, causing as much pain as ever;

if not more because I didn't remember most of it as it was happening..

I did say stop.

I keep trying to tell myself..

*It's not my fault, it's not my fault* but then..

 .. why does it feel like it is?

I cant remember a time before this.

More Weight Loss.

I weigh myself in the morning; like most people do I'm sure..I'd lost another 3 pounds this morning.. so it's already 7 pounds in these 2 days. I should be happy? I am pleased that I've done this well already, but it's a bit like homework from school that you get a good grade on; sure you feel good about it, but it kinda feels like an expectation..One thing down, lets move onto the next thing.. MY expectations which to be honest, through my extremely high standards will  be likely to be hell to keep up with.. Why am I pushing for more.. I'd like to lose 14 pounds this week.. And then again the same for next week. I'd promised myself that I wouldn't let this get out of control; sometimes I just don't care anymore.. but even when I do I can't help but think that I NEED to lose weight anyway, I am overweight.. very overweight..Plus with everything such a mess at the moment..In my life; In my head.. It's actually quite the relief..in some ways. I don't like the dizziness or headaches..Nor the hunger generally.. BUT I will deal with them just because I have too.. I don't think it's a choice anymore, I really want to say that this isn't going to get out of control like I've been insisting to my friends. 

But now.. I'm not so sure anymore.