Detached.

I feel so detached today.
Other than tired, nothing is really getting through, with how I've been feeling recently it IS a relief..
But then the way I consider 'fakeness' makes it hard for me to deal with..
[Ironically I have spent years and years pretending I am okay etc.. Yet I still can't stand fakeness]
Not that it's a choice. It is just the way it is. 
How I cope, but with a mind of it's own.
In most terms I feel like things are definitely getting harder.
It's getting harder to do simple things again. Get out of bed. Clean the flat.
Clean myself to be honest.. I'm not as bad as I know I can be with my personal hygiene 
but I know it's worse then I have been doing for a while in those terms.
Concentration is going out of the window. I can't seem to read properly anymore..
It all ends up blurring and I re-read the same lines over and over.
Getting to the end of a few pages and realizing that I haven't taken any of it in..
Frustration when I'm trying to explain myself, except on here where I can take as many hours as I need to get what I'm trying to say across, my brain feels like it's being so deliberately slow JUST to annoy me further. I know logically that makes no sense and is impossible but after quite a while doing better, it's really hurting to find myself struggling again. These ED thoughts are taking a front seat aswell. It's hard, trying to please them when I don't even have to energy to read, let alone, go for a run or something like that..The flashbacks are still bad. It's hurting me so much. Like even more then multiple kicks in the stomach every time I think about 'him' Dad's got parent's evening for my sister tomorrow; he swears that he'll talk to someone about supporting her then. [We'll see I suppose]

You Can Take Me, But Not My Dreams ♥

You were supposed to save me.  

Instead you broke me more.

I loved you. 

I LOVE you!

Yet pretty much every memory I have of you is painful.

Why can't I think about you without feeling sick.

Tears filling my eyes, fear, pain, desperation..

I wish I could hate you like I want to.

Tonight I would like to sleep and not think of you. 

Not remember you touching me, holding me, hurting me..

I don't want to remember how much I cried. 

Everytime you used my problematic family relationships against me.

I can still feel you on me. Smell you near. 

Can you feel my fear? Or would that be too close to reality for you?

I don't want to think about how I am to blame..

How 'I wanted this' and how much of a 'tease' I am.

I don't wanna see your eyes flash; that warning sign..

To realise I am not safe, I'm not your's, but again, I'm still not mine.

Your ownership and possession of my body; of my mind.

Bruised, battered, blood and pain.

I still don't want to hear that you are sorry, again.

Promises upon promises. 

Broken, again and again.

I want MY mind back, my body, my soul. 

Despite the 9 months since I last saw you.. 

You still have me. 

All of me. Every last part.

My first and last thoughts.

Haunting my days and in turn, playing with my dreams.

The thrill I'm sure you'd feel if you knew all this.

You've caused me irrepairable damage.

And I still love you. 

And I hate it.

What do I have to do to let go?

MY J, would never have hurt me like you have.

Was MY J an act? Did he even exist at all?

♥ "Why do I love you? 

Don't even want to.

Why do I love you like I, 

like I always do" ♥