I feel terrible.
My dreams.
Flashbacks.
Thoughts.
Memories.
Feelings.
It's all against me. Aiming for me to really really hurt myself.. I don't know what to do! I truely don't wanna give in, I truely dont want to self-harm, I don't want to have these thoughts of killing myself.. I know, I'm weak, pathetic, I deserve to hurt this much.. I deserve it all but I just can't bear to have it all again.. this is the week.. doctors, care-co-ordinators and other randomers all within one week.. I don't like hospitals - in fact I hate hospitals!! And I'm going to have to be in one, for hours.. and knowing the fact that there never running on time, it'll probably be even longer then it's supposed to be anyway..I don't want to die - not yet. I need this achievement first, I need to make it to my very end goal weight.. it's all very well to be achieving my smaller goals.. but I've still got so far to go.. I will be strong. I will continue.. I will do this.. but these memories.. they haunt me. Break me. I think about him all the time, it's not fair he already had so many years of my life and he's still got me.. still scaring me, still making me feel like this. I want to sleep. I want to be able to properly sleep, and not wake up screaming.. not wake up crying, absolutely sobbing.. I want it all to stop hurting. It's been so long.. and I know last year was my first year without any contact with him.. but I cant take it.. It hurts. My head hurts, my chest hurts, my heart hurts, pounding and heavy, my eyes swollen from the tears.. but still it continues. This assault of my mind.. even now it's stopped, I don't feel any free-er, I was promised cutting off from him completely would make it better, but I'm still stuck, a hostage from my own mind. Why do I still love him! I'm stupid. Sick. It's ridiculous to love someone who has done the things he has done.. but everyone else forgets he once saved me.. the bullying.. the suicide attempts.. the one that I would never have survived if he hadn't of cut me down, family life and friendship problems.. despite everything.. he did good too.. maybe for his own selfish reasons others say, yeah, maybe it was.. but he still did it.. he could have let them beat me, again and again, he could have left me, let me die, let it all end, he didn't have to be waiting outside my house that time my mum hit me.. he didn't need to be there the time my boyfriend raped me.. of course he never knew [I dont think] that K had raped me, but upset and a mess nevertheless, he was still there.
I hate him, but I don't. He was evil, yet he wasn't. He saved me, yet destroyed what was left.
I hate the confusion in my head, in my own mind of how I feel about him and how I see him..
Everyone else says he's evil. So why do I have so many memories where I'm considering him my angel?
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