Feeling A Mess

 

I am hurting so much right now.. I can't even describe it.. 

It doesn't  seem real that I can feel like this; again. 

 

I feel so trapped, a bubble inside of me is refusing to burst. 

I'm trying to contain everything but at the same time,  

needing to appear completely fine to everyone else.

I can't stop thinking about cutting, or self-harm in general; 

overdosing, burning, hitting things, hitting myself.. Intrusively intense. 

The thoughts just will NOT leave my mind, constantly there,

thoughts, feelings, ideas and plans.. I feel so bad, I feel alone, 

I am scared!

I'm not eating, fasting if you like, controlling, enjoying the pain of 

hunger in some ways, fearing it in others.. feeling dizzy, light-headed 

and head-achey already, but I won't give in. I can't let go of this; 

My only lifeline. I lost 4 pounds during yesterday I found out this 

morning.. I can do this, I need to do this.

 Everything's that happened with him in stuck in my mind. 

On replay. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and nightmares.

Memories, painful, painful memories, all I can think is 

that I'm a SLUT. I know it, and everyone else knew it.

J knew it.. I know it's MY fault, I'm willing to take the blame,

I just need it to stop hurting me so much..

 

BUT I can't talk about it, I can't tell anyone. I can't ruin my silence.

It's the only thing holding me together - despite ripping me apart.

I don't have the strength to go through it all, to admit to it all..

Plus I need everyone to think I'm okay, that everythings fine, all

wonderful and dandy..

The word. Hurts so much, everyone says that it's a 'horrible

word for a horrible act' but it hurts, having people tell me

that I was raped, saying that word.. it's triggering, 

it's easier to not mention it.. I know I would say different

to anyone else who was in the same position but I just

don't wanna hear it.. I'm hurting too much right now..

 Suicide. It feels like the only way out. 

I don't want to hurt anymore, cry anymore,

cut anymore.. think and remember anymore.

But I always will whilst alive. 

I can't do this anymore.

Once I reach my goal weight.

I shall go.

I need to have this success before I leave,

so I'm not a complete failure.

Spending..

In an effort to cheer myself up I've spent money.. a LOT of money.. damn the stupid people for fucking things for so long, now having this money all at once makes it soo damn hard to not spend.. luckily, I'd already put a lot of it into my savings account. I should be receiving a; New 27" TV, Wii Fit game thingy and a new laptop :) I am happy I'm getting them, but I feel guilty despite the fact I shouldn't be.. *sigh* I really don't know what's going on in my head today.. On a more? positive note despite horrendous flashbacks and nightmares last night, I didn't cut again.

My Angel, My Devil And Everything Inbetween.

I feel terrible.

My dreams. 

Flashbacks. 

Thoughts. 

Memories. 

Feelings.

It's all against me. Aiming for me to really really hurt myself.. I don't know what to do! I truely don't wanna give in, I truely dont want to self-harm, I don't want to have these thoughts of killing myself.. I know, I'm weak, pathetic, I deserve to hurt this much.. I deserve it all but I just can't bear to have it all again.. this is the week.. doctors, care-co-ordinators and other randomers all within one week.. I don't like hospitals - in fact I hate hospitals!! And I'm going to have to be in one, for hours.. and knowing the fact that there never running on time, it'll probably be even longer then it's supposed to be anyway..I don't want to die - not yet. I need this achievement first, I need to make it to my very end goal weight.. it's all very well to be achieving my smaller goals.. but I've still got so far to go.. I will be strong. I will continue.. I will do this.. but these memories.. they haunt me. Break me. I think about him all the time, it's not fair he already had so many years of my life and he's still got me.. still scaring me, still making me feel like this. I want to sleep. I want to be able to properly sleep, and not wake up screaming.. not wake up crying, absolutely sobbing.. I want it all to stop hurting. It's been so long.. and I know last year was my first year without any contact with him.. but I cant take it.. It hurts. My head hurts, my chest hurts, my heart hurts, pounding and heavy, my eyes swollen from the tears.. but still it continues. This assault of my mind.. even now it's stopped, I don't feel any free-er, I was promised cutting off from him completely would make it better, but I'm still stuck, a hostage from my own mind. Why do I still love him! I'm stupid. Sick. It's ridiculous to love someone who has done the things he has done.. but everyone else forgets he once saved me.. the bullying.. the suicide attempts.. the one that I would never have survived if he hadn't of cut me down, family life and friendship problems.. despite everything.. he did good too.. maybe for his own selfish reasons others say, yeah, maybe it was.. but he still did it.. he could have let them beat me, again and again, he could have left me, let me die, let it all end, he didn't have to be waiting outside my house that time my mum hit me.. he didn't need to be there the time my boyfriend raped me.. of course he never knew [I dont think] that K had raped me, but upset and a mess nevertheless, he was still there.

I hate him, but I don't. He was evil, yet he wasn't. He saved me, yet destroyed what was left.

I hate the confusion in my head, in my own mind of how I feel about him and how I see him..

Everyone else says he's evil. So why do I have so many memories where I'm considering him my angel?